287

287. That is the number of total visitors (not counting repeating visitors within a 24 hour time span) who came here yesterday. Sometimes it blows me away that so many people, on a daily basis, come to read what I have to say. Who are you all? The map has you spread over the entire globe. What brings you back day after day after day?

I think of you all often and wonder. Wonder what I have to say that keeps you coming back. I'm glad you are here, don't get me wrong. I just wonder who you all are. It's odd to have times when I feel so incredibly alone but when I check my stats you have been coming by in droves all day long to check on me. It's surreal. Comforting and yet still lonely.

And beyond all of that, I hope you find what you are looking for when you visit me.

Tonights Page

credit: Misty Cato's kit Always My Baby Girl

This is my baby girl when she was barely 2. Wasn't she just delicious? Oh how I miss those days. I love the little girl she is but some days I do so miss the baby she used to be.

Lately I have found that I am missing the kids babyhood's. I've been watching old videos from when they were small and sometimes the tears well up in my eyes. How could it have gone this fast already? Wasn't it just a year or two ago that I started taking prenatal vitamins in preparation of getting pregnant with Kelton? Last week that Kaylen was born?

They are amazing kids now but oh how I long for days gone by. The days are so long but the years? The years fly by! Way too fast.

Love This Song

"Cowgirls don't cry.....ride baby ride....lessons in life are gonna show you in time.... soon enough you're gonna know why. It's gonna hurt every now and then...if you fall get back on again....

More Pages

credit: A Perfect Day by Traci Reed

credit: Brighter Days Ahead by Shawna Clingerman

Are you KIDDING me?

To steal a phrase from Kaylen...."Are you KIDDING me?"

I just got a text from Dakota which states:
"Heads up - flight delay with airline. No idea if I will get out of Philly tonight. Will know more once we land in an hour or more. Sorry.....hopefully will not impact me being there tomorrow afternoon. Hope you are ok."

I responded with "Dang. I have plans tomorrow but I guess it's unavoidable if it happens. Crap. Why the delay?"

"Long story....sick pilot.....international laws about flying with 3 pilots and we only had 2. Oh - gotta turn off my phone. Bye for now. More when I can."

Ok here is what I don't get. They diverted the plane that had flown all these hours from London to Philly because they only have 2 pilots instead of 3? WTH? Taking them to Boston and having everyone miss their connecting flights corrects this issue how? Sanction them. Fine them. But for the love of all that is good and holy - land that plane!

It's not that she might not make it back tomorrow and I so desperately need a break. It's not that at all. What it IS...is I have plans tomorrow night to go out and I really have been looking forward to it. The kids are eagerly counting down the hours until Dakota arrives and I so don't want to crush them by telling them she might not make it tomorrow.

So it's wait and see. Wait and see. I know she is probably tired and frustrated too though being who she is - this is just one of lives adventures and she will enjoy the ride. I'm glad someone will. As for me? I really, really want to go out with my friend tomorrow. :)

It is, after all, all about me. :)

Friday

It's Friday. As the kids will tell you with much excitement, this is the day that Dakota is flying back to the United States. She will be in Seattle tonight, stay the night there and then will drive back down here and will be with the kids in the afternoon tomorrow.

All in all, from my perspective, this hasn't been bad at all. There was only once or twice when I hit points of saturation but they were short lived. Truthfully, these days haven't been any different from the law school years. I'm so used to doing this alone that it doesn't even phase me.

The kids? They were phased. They missed her but still came through the experience unscathed. The hardest parts for them were the days of no contact from Dakota as well as bedtimes (which is when they would fall apart because they wanted to say good night to her).

All in all - it was fine. And, if I were to be completely honest, it was less hectic for me because the kids behavior stayed consistent and we didn't deviate from our tightly strung routine.

But I know for sure that there will be two VERY excited children watching out the window most of the day tomorrow. They can't wait to see her!

Can You Even Believe It?

A third page for the day. Wow. I'm on a roll. I have to say, it feels good to create something. I don't know....I can't really explain it but I think I needed to break back into this for a lot of different reasons. Scrapping was such a huge part of my life for years and it's nice to have bits and pieces of it back. Anf right now, I need things to do to keep myself out of my head and to stop myself from going places in my imagination that drive me crazy. So it's a good distraction and helps to pass the time at night.

Credit: A Perfect Day by Traci Reed

Pittock Mansion

A couple weeks ago, a friend took me to see some of the sights in Portland which, after 8 years of living here, I am embarrassed to admit I had never seen. I have a good excuse though - I've been very busy raising newborns into children and honestly, many, many things took a backseat during those early years. Anyway.....one of the places she took me to see the Pittock Mansion, which was incredible! I love that type of stuff though so if you don't, I imagine it wouldn't be incredible to you. :)

It's completely restored and decorated in period furniture and it was so much fun to walk through. There was even a smoking room which left me with the feeling that I should go to the opus x website and order some cigars. :)

I didn't get photos on the inside (I was way too busy looking at everything and reading the information plaques) but I did get one of the outside as well as the few of Portland from one of the upstairs windows.

Check it out:



Oh yes, I could very easily live in a place like that.....as long as I had a really great cleaning service. :)

Wow - Did I Really Scrap?

It's been a long time since I scrapped and I am clearly rusty but still...I think it's kinda cute. :)

The kit is named Quite Contrary which my friend, Shawna Clingerman, designed.

Needing to "Scale" Back

What? I think I hate my scale. I was actually kind of enjoying it there for a while but this week it betrayed me. I have somehow (!) managed to put on 5lbs in the past month. Say what??!?!?! It couldn't possible be the mint oreo cookies, the Thin Mint Girl Scout cookie ice cream, the cheese sticks, the cheeseburgers from Burgerville or the Mars Bar candy could it?

What? It *could*?

Well that bites.

Time to get back to basics and stop eating the junk. I get that I've been stress eating so at least there is that understanding. I just need to stay out of the kitchen and oh yeah, stop buying the junk! If it's not in the house, Ican't eat it, now can I? :)

I really don't want to have to turn to things like reading up on hydroxycut hardcore x reviews or the like but if I don't stop, that's exactly where this is headed. No thank you.

So...the race is on to lose the unwanted 5lbs before the next month rolls by....and speaking of......are you KIDDING me? June is just a few days away?!?!?! I figured by (at least) this time I would have a job and life would be looking different. WTH? *breathing deeply* Just breathe. Everything is working out as it should in its own time and way.

Yeah.....there are lots and lots of times I don't buy that one. *sigh*

Jog-a-Thon

If you live in the town I live in, than you know it's been raining. For days, for weeks...seemingly for months. Ok....we have had some nice days tossed in there but lately? Lately the rain has been falling fast and often.

Today was the jog-a-thon at Kelton's school and guess what I woke to? The sound of rain pouring, overflowing the back gutter. Lovely. The paperwork all said "rain or shine" (whose big idea what THAT!?!) so I got ready, got the kids ready and headed out into the land of water.

On the way to the school, I started receiving text messages from people asking if it was still happening. I responded with "On my way to the school. I'll let you know."

I drove into the parking lot and immediately noticed that it was completely flooded. There were pump trucks working to clear the drains. It was overwhelming. I got the kids out of the car and, as we side stepped around gigantic puddles, we made it to the office. I was greeted by several people, the principal included, saying "We need to cancel!" No kidding! The parking lot is flooded and, as it turns out, so is the field.

I'm pretty sure I saw a few tv stands and other furniture floating by! Someone really needs to build an arc....and soon!

So now the job at hand is to reschedule the jog-a-thon...and hope that it finally stops raining for a while. It is seriously crazy how much rain has fallen in the past week.

The First 24 Hours

Yesterday was the first day ever that the kids had zero contact with Dakota. In their entire lives. While that may seem strange to a lot of you, that is our reality. Even during the law school years she would always, always call and say good night to the kids. But yesterday, she was in transit, changing hotels and just not able to link up with the time difference. She had warned them it was very possible that she wouldn't be able to talk with them but the reality was hard for them to grasp.

Kaylen started in first thing yesterday morning about missing her and it went on all day. Kelton started asking as soon as he arrived home from school. I kept reminding them that she probably wasn't going to be able to call.

Then came a rescue plan! A friend of mine with a 10 year old son who my kids are crazy for asked if they could come over and hang out for a while. What a great distraction for the kids!! Kaylen loves to chase him through the house and, God bless him, he goes right along with it. Kelton and he both are into Pokemon so they hooked up their DS games and battled.

They hung out until almost bedtime which limited the whining and tears over Dakota to about an hour. Of course, that would be the hour I had them in their beds and was trying to get them to fall asleep. It was a "several lullaby" kind of night before they both drifted off.

Dakota sent an email last night and is hopeful she will be able to make contact with them tonight via Skype or a phone call. Here's hoping.

Pain, Pain and More Pain

So....ummm...I'm thinking that this flare up of my Syringomyelia isn't going to be the usual "eh...I can do my best to shove it to the back of my mind and not focus on it" deal. Tonight, as I was putting the kids to bed, I noticed the long forgotten sensation is electric shocks coursing through my body along with the low rumbling feeling which defies explanation. All I know is my muscles start to feel fatigued - like I've run a really long marathon or moved really heavy office furniture up and down stairs. You know that feeling - the quivering sensations of your muscles. It's a feeling I had for weeks back when all this started....I had forgotten how it felt and I was ok with that. *sigh*

So. Not. Fun.

My neck pain is growing worse by the hour and it has gotten difficult to turn my head side to said. My back? It's spasming pretty badly.

Oh yes. It's a joy to be me right now...and yet, life doesn't stop. I still have to keep going and so I will.

Onward we go.

Droid

I am in serious lust.

Geez people! Get your minds out of the gutter.....wow. :)

I'm lusting after the Droid phone that Verizon has out. I know it's been out for a while and believe me, I'm been lusting after it for a while. Not that I can do anything about it since I only have had the phone I currently have for 6 months but still. It's pretty awesome.

Haven't seen it yet? Then get out your netbooks and go to verizonwireless.com and check it out. Pretty fancy!

I like my phone....I really do...but the draw of having a social networking phone is hard to walk away from. But sadly, walk away I must. Unless I win the lottery which doesn't seem likely since I don't play.

If you are looking for me - I'll be at the website drooling over the features. :)

The Nitty Gritty

My Syringomyelia is kicking me in the....well....honestly...in the back and the neck today. I really detest days when I can hear gritty sand sounds whenever I turn my head. It grosses me out...and it hurts, too.

It makes sense though with the headaches I've been having the past few days - not to mention my arms and hands going to sleep for no apparent reason and my grip being less than usual (though why I fail to put two and two together when I start getting the constant headache is beyond me. You'd think after two years I would start putting the pieces together but I guess that comes from 13 years of doing all I can to block out constant pain.) that I would be having a mini-flare up. I say "mini" because as much as it hurts and is frustrating, it is nothing like that first go around with it, which is my "go-to" when I remember how bad it *could* be.

Hopefully it will begin to settle down soon.

Ah Yes.....Evenings.

I'm tired. As in my eyes are burning and my head is pounding tired. Tired of the kids getting on each others nerves no matter how many times I redirect and help them find new things to do that have nothing to do with each other. I get they are out of sorts - it's evening and it's when the "I miss Mom." comments start increasing. I remind them that even if she were in town right now, she wouldn't be here tonight. "Yeah," they counter, "but we could call her as much as we wanted." "Yes true but let's be glad she doesn't live this far away all the time. This is just a small amount of time."

I can tell the stress of their stress is affecting me because I am hitting the kitchen at an alarming rate. And this after almost a year of hardly going in there unless it was to cook something for the kids. If I'm not careful I will need to start reading a lipozene review because there is no way I will graduate myself into my bigger jeans. No way, no how.

I need to go back to reaching for glass after glass of water during the day. That will help in many ways, I'm sure. And if the sun ever graces us with its appearance again, walks and bike rides would be nice, too.

I checked the weather though......it doesn't look like anything but rain for the next four days.....at least. Blick.

Only one more hour until bedtime.

The Kids are Fine

We are on Day 4 of Dakota being out of the country and so far, so good. We've had our tear filled moments (especially at night when they are tired) but overall, things are clicking right along.

Friday, Dakota was able to talk with them a couple times on the phone and Saturday and Sunday they were able to talk via Skype which really, really helped. They like being able to see her and she has been showing them things and even gave them a tour of her hotel room. I honestly believe that this whole thing is being made easier thanks to skyping. I'm not so much having that feeling that I will be needing hair dye and wrinkle cream once this week is behind us. :)

Kelton was really happy to realize that in 4 days Dakota will be on her way home. I had a feeling that the anticipation was far, far worse that the actuality of her being gone.

5 Going On 13

That would be my daughter. A 13 year old stuck in a 5 year old's body. It is clearly driving both of us insane. She screams "I hate you!" so much at me that I'm pretty sure I should just change my name to it. She will tell me that I annoy her (oh really? Join the club, missy!) and that she "really doesn't care for" me (she gets that from me - I will use that line when they tell me they "hate" something since I don't like hearing "hate" out of their little mouths). It's a joy.

Some moments I am so convinced that she is in her teen years that I wonder if I should start looking up information for the best acne treatments or the rules on make up application.

But then.....on a dime she will turn. Sweet and cute and adorable with her little voice saying "I'm sorry Mommy. I love you bigger than this whole house!" and I will forgive her....as I brace myself for her teen years.

Another one....

And another one from Cris:

We carry around with us a treasure-trove of old emotional pain, old memories with old emotions, stored up and ready to fire off whenever just the right set of circumstances arise. It could be a critical tone of voice, a certain word, almost anything. We are burdened, in this case, by thoughts about the past in which our identity is invested. One thing: stop investing in the past-movie, and come to the Present.

Thought Provoking

This morning, Cris Williamson posted:

Like many artists, I reflect the universal dilemma of alienation. This estrangement can happen when the voice in my head says a worrisome fearful thought is an actual situation. I respond as if I am in danger; really, it is mental fiction, a story disturbing the mind and body in a continuously negative loop. The positive real tale lies here in the Present Moment. Let me come to, and let go of “me and my story”.

I find this incredibly interesting and thought provoking. How many times have we done just that; let a thought or fear or worry control how we behaved in a situation that didn't necessarily call for the reaction we gave it based on our own internal baggage? "I respond as if I am in danger." Indeed.