Monday, October 15, 2012
Pages
I created these pages in the past two hours. Not bad, if I do say so myself. :) I would love to include photos of Andrew but he is incredibly difficult to get pictures of...I'm prety sure he believes the camera will steal his soul. :) I'm confident that, in time, I will get a few good shots of him.
I really like the one of Kaylen and the one of Stephanie and me. The pumpkin one I'm lukewarm on. I may have to play with it again on another day.
But still.....not bad. I said I wanted to get back into it and into it I got. :)
Rainy Monday
The rains arrived late yesterday evening and they have been steadily falling ever since. We all slept with our windows open a little so we could enjoy the sounds. The kids thought it was so cool and it dawned on me, as they went on and on about how great it was, I had never opened their bedroom windows on a rainy night at the other house. I wonder why.
Today was the first day of rain on a school day for this school year. The tension was thick as Kaylen grappled with having to walk down the road in the rain after school. I gave her an umbrella but she still isn't liking it. I guess it IS a lot different than jumping off the bus and running up the driveway to the dry warmth of the house like she has done in years gone by. That's for sure.
It was a three day weekend for the kiddos. Friday was a teacher in-service day so the last three days at the house were full of noise, chaos, laughter, arguments, messes everywhere, etc. Today, after they all were off for the day, I came back and cleaned the house. It's serene, calm, clean.....quiet. A nice change - even though I do miss the kids being home. Still - there is an upside to them being at school. It's quiet enough that I can hear myself think. :)
This Friday is Book Fair set up. It feels surreal to me. I'm used to book fair being in early March so needless to say, the timeline is kind of messing with me. Next week is conference week and book fair week. I am working several mornings at the book fair and then the kids will be out of school for the day at 11:15am. A whole new mindset. I'm still not clear on the thoughts behind book fair during conference week but apparently it is because most of the business will come from parents after conferences. As, as opposed to our last school, kids are encouraged to be in attendance for the conference. Personally, I think that is odd since it seems to be that the adults will have a difficult time really discussing the child in question. There are questions I want to ask that I don't want asked in front of them. Ugh. Again, it's different here.
Oh- and I don't yet know what day the kids conferences will be. I'm hoping that info comes home today.
Time for another cup of coffee.....and time to enjoy the quiet. :)
Today was the first day of rain on a school day for this school year. The tension was thick as Kaylen grappled with having to walk down the road in the rain after school. I gave her an umbrella but she still isn't liking it. I guess it IS a lot different than jumping off the bus and running up the driveway to the dry warmth of the house like she has done in years gone by. That's for sure.
It was a three day weekend for the kiddos. Friday was a teacher in-service day so the last three days at the house were full of noise, chaos, laughter, arguments, messes everywhere, etc. Today, after they all were off for the day, I came back and cleaned the house. It's serene, calm, clean.....quiet. A nice change - even though I do miss the kids being home. Still - there is an upside to them being at school. It's quiet enough that I can hear myself think. :)
This Friday is Book Fair set up. It feels surreal to me. I'm used to book fair being in early March so needless to say, the timeline is kind of messing with me. Next week is conference week and book fair week. I am working several mornings at the book fair and then the kids will be out of school for the day at 11:15am. A whole new mindset. I'm still not clear on the thoughts behind book fair during conference week but apparently it is because most of the business will come from parents after conferences. As, as opposed to our last school, kids are encouraged to be in attendance for the conference. Personally, I think that is odd since it seems to be that the adults will have a difficult time really discussing the child in question. There are questions I want to ask that I don't want asked in front of them. Ugh. Again, it's different here.
Oh- and I don't yet know what day the kids conferences will be. I'm hoping that info comes home today.
Time for another cup of coffee.....and time to enjoy the quiet. :)
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Scrapping
I'm waaaaaaaaaay out of practice....like three years, give or take.....but I decided to see what I could do in the way of making a page. I'm definitely rusty but it was fun to get back into the program and create.
Here's to finding my groove....one of these days. :)
Here's to finding my groove....one of these days. :)
It's Fall
It's fall....and not much says that more than the leaves, in all sorts of colors, falling from the trees. Today, on the way home from the pumpkin patch (see below for pictures), we drove down a street and the leaves falling resembled falling snow. Very pretty.
Living in the country, I am surrounded by everygreen trees and not many leafy trees. I love evergreens but this time of years has me wishing for leaves in the yard. Though honestly? I'm loving the thought of not having to rake. :) So - as with everything, you take the good with the not so good.
Anyway.......autumn is my favorite time of the year. The colors, the scents, the cool, crisp air, and yes....even the rain.
I have all my fall decorations, as well as the halloween decorations, up in the house. What I don't have, however, are special fall curtains. Until recently, I never even considered it. Did you know you can find burlap curtains for sale? I know! Me either. But there you have it.
I have only ever thought of burlap as something you use for sack races. Bags that potatoes used to come in when I was a child. I never thought of using it as fiber for use in your home. But I think it's great! I mean, why not, right?
Fall. Such a great time of the year. So many possibilities. I love thinking of huddling down and doing inside things. I'm even itching to download some digital scrap book kits and get back to scrapping.
I better hurry though......Christmas is coming fast which means I only have a couple weeks to really enjoy the fall.
Living in the country, I am surrounded by everygreen trees and not many leafy trees. I love evergreens but this time of years has me wishing for leaves in the yard. Though honestly? I'm loving the thought of not having to rake. :) So - as with everything, you take the good with the not so good.
Anyway.......autumn is my favorite time of the year. The colors, the scents, the cool, crisp air, and yes....even the rain.
I have all my fall decorations, as well as the halloween decorations, up in the house. What I don't have, however, are special fall curtains. Until recently, I never even considered it. Did you know you can find burlap curtains for sale? I know! Me either. But there you have it.
I have only ever thought of burlap as something you use for sack races. Bags that potatoes used to come in when I was a child. I never thought of using it as fiber for use in your home. But I think it's great! I mean, why not, right?
Fall. Such a great time of the year. So many possibilities. I love thinking of huddling down and doing inside things. I'm even itching to download some digital scrap book kits and get back to scrapping.
I better hurry though......Christmas is coming fast which means I only have a couple weeks to really enjoy the fall.
Pumpkin Patch 2012
Despite the threat of rain, we headed off to the pumpkin patch this morning for our annual visit. I love going to BiZi Farms, mainly because it is the place where I have taken Kelton and Kaylen for almost every year of their lives. As it turns out, it is also the place that Stephanie has taken Andrew in his younger years. Kinda nice to have a place like that where we can merge the memories of both groups into one.
Thankfully, the rains held off. We fed the animals in the petting area, we sampled fresh apple juice, got lost, and found, in the corn maze, shot pumpkins, picked out pumpkins, enjoyed hot apple cider and/or hot cocoa, played on the hay pyramid, and played in the corn bin. All in all, a very good time.
Thankfully, the rains held off. We fed the animals in the petting area, we sampled fresh apple juice, got lost, and found, in the corn maze, shot pumpkins, picked out pumpkins, enjoyed hot apple cider and/or hot cocoa, played on the hay pyramid, and played in the corn bin. All in all, a very good time.
Friday, October 12, 2012
More Ramblings
What? You thought I was done? Silly you. :)
Guess what fun part happens when you put in a change of address at the post office? You get to sign up for a bunch of mail order catalogs and other fun stuff. It is a perk....well, if you are someone like me who likes to get catalogs in the mail. :)
Today I received Pottery Barn. So. Much. Fun.
I can't really afford to shop there but looking at everything, dreaming and scheming of how I might capture the feel of something for way less money makes me kinda happy. Sure - I might not be able to get something like boston bedroom furniture but I can look at the way they set up a room and glean some ideas that I cam implement on my own in other ways. I'm handy that way....making a home and all.
One of my favorite places to go, and not spend much money at all, is Big Lots. I picked up a few knicky-knacky type things for under $30 and gave several areas a little pick me up. Making the home I am building with Stephanie more "ours". Always a good feeling.
I love making a house a home by adding cozy touches. And I have to say, I think I have done, and continue to do, a really good job in the last six weeks of making this place a home.
Guess what fun part happens when you put in a change of address at the post office? You get to sign up for a bunch of mail order catalogs and other fun stuff. It is a perk....well, if you are someone like me who likes to get catalogs in the mail. :)
Today I received Pottery Barn. So. Much. Fun.
I can't really afford to shop there but looking at everything, dreaming and scheming of how I might capture the feel of something for way less money makes me kinda happy. Sure - I might not be able to get something like boston bedroom furniture but I can look at the way they set up a room and glean some ideas that I cam implement on my own in other ways. I'm handy that way....making a home and all.
One of my favorite places to go, and not spend much money at all, is Big Lots. I picked up a few knicky-knacky type things for under $30 and gave several areas a little pick me up. Making the home I am building with Stephanie more "ours". Always a good feeling.
I love making a house a home by adding cozy touches. And I have to say, I think I have done, and continue to do, a really good job in the last six weeks of making this place a home.
Saturday
Did you hear that? Yeah - I think it was me screaming. I just spent some time putting together a post and then we had a power flicker and I lost the connection and well.....lost my dang post. Which is really just the icing on the cake for right now.
Maybe it really is time to contact a raleigh commercial real estate attorney and see what some options are. :)
Ok ok - that would have made so much more sense if you could read the post I did prior to this one. You know, the one that is gone into never never land.
*sigh* It's just been one of those days.
One of those days when I give and do and do and give and it is never enough. And I'm tired. I tried to nap but that was a no go with the three kids. Stephanie, however, can sleep through anything so she is still snoozing away. I got up, made food, fed them, cleaned up a mess or two, folded laundry, broke up arguments, etc.
It's raining. My plans for the weekend went up in smoke. It sucks only having the kids every other weekend because it appears I just lost my chance to go to the pumpkin patch. Sure, I could drag us all in the rain but then I have to endure the complaining and whining and honestly? I'm not up for it.
It's been a week of whining and complaining....and standing firm with this kid or that kid. Dealing with the massive headache that "other people" bring. Dealing with an actual headache that I've had all freaking week long.
I'm cranky and crabby and tired and overwhelmed.
And tomorrow is soccer.....in the rain.
Just shoot me now.
Maybe it really is time to contact a raleigh commercial real estate attorney and see what some options are. :)
Ok ok - that would have made so much more sense if you could read the post I did prior to this one. You know, the one that is gone into never never land.
*sigh* It's just been one of those days.
One of those days when I give and do and do and give and it is never enough. And I'm tired. I tried to nap but that was a no go with the three kids. Stephanie, however, can sleep through anything so she is still snoozing away. I got up, made food, fed them, cleaned up a mess or two, folded laundry, broke up arguments, etc.
It's raining. My plans for the weekend went up in smoke. It sucks only having the kids every other weekend because it appears I just lost my chance to go to the pumpkin patch. Sure, I could drag us all in the rain but then I have to endure the complaining and whining and honestly? I'm not up for it.
It's been a week of whining and complaining....and standing firm with this kid or that kid. Dealing with the massive headache that "other people" bring. Dealing with an actual headache that I've had all freaking week long.
I'm cranky and crabby and tired and overwhelmed.
And tomorrow is soccer.....in the rain.
Just shoot me now.
More Guitar
Are you wondering how many posts I can have about guitars? Especially when I don't actually play or have a deep love of them? well wonder now more. Apparently, the answer is: A LOT.
But what's not to love about the Ibanez Artcore guitar? No, really. What's not to love?
I mean SERIOUSLY? It's red. That's all I need to know. :)
Red is an awesome color. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the color red. And it makes music. So right there - it's all good. :)
My friend, Stella, would probably love this guitar. Her birthday is Sunday. I would love to see the look on her face if I could present this to her to celebrate her years on the planet. Unfortunately, this won't be waiting for her special day b ut I hope what I did send will make her *almost* as happy.
A red guitar. Seriously cool.
But what's not to love about the Ibanez Artcore guitar? No, really. What's not to love?
I mean SERIOUSLY? It's red. That's all I need to know. :)
Red is an awesome color. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the color red. And it makes music. So right there - it's all good. :)
My friend, Stella, would probably love this guitar. Her birthday is Sunday. I would love to see the look on her face if I could present this to her to celebrate her years on the planet. Unfortunately, this won't be waiting for her special day b ut I hope what I did send will make her *almost* as happy.
A red guitar. Seriously cool.
Tuesday, October 09, 2012
Kelton James: 5th Grade, Age 10
Kelton...my sweet first born. Such a great kid. His curly hair and never ending smile lights up my days. He is doing so well in school - reading at an almost 9th grade level and excelling at everything else. Well, except spelling and penmanship. The spelling is because of his speech issues (third year in speech and doing remarkably well) and penmanship because well......I have no reason. :) But it doesn't matter - I love him more than anything.
I look at this picture and seriously cannot believe it. In my eyes, he is still about 15 months old, toddling all over the place. But I guess there is no denying it - he is growing into a fine young man. And I could not be more proud of him. I love you, Kelton. You truly are my miracle.
Andrew: 7th Grade, Age 12
Andrew is such a great kid. Always ready with a joke and a smile. Loves to play with the other two and to hear all of them laughing together is an amazing sound. He tries to act tough but is a gentle, sweet kid at heart.
Monday, October 01, 2012
Kaylen Lane: Second Grade, Age 7
Look at her hair! I can't believe how long it has gotten over the past year. Her hair aside, she is one of the two best things I have ever done in my entire life. Sweet, caring, kind, loving, generous (to a fault), responsible, driven, imaginative, intelligent, funny, and oh so much more. Oh how I love this child!
(Kelton's school pictures were taken a week after Kaylen's so hopefully I will be posting his school picture in the next few days.)
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Sunday in the Country
Sunday in the fall around here for Stephanie can only mean one thing....football. At least, when the Seahawks are playing.
Sundays in the fall around here for me? Finding little things to do to keep me occupied while the football game is on. :)
Lucky you - today, that means blogging. :)
Both Kaylen and Andrew had soccer games yesterday so we spent the morning driving into Vancouver to be at Andrew's game at 9am and then racing out to Battleground for Kaylen's 11am game. Due to Andrew's game running over by...a lot....we missed Kaylen's warm up time and the first couple minutes of her game. Oh the life of multi-kid sport season. Next week, we have a game close to home and then another one an hour north. Since the kids are all at other parent's houses next weekend, we have time to get to both because we don't have to factor in warm up time. Only 4 more weeks for Kaylen's games and then her season is over. I think Andrew's schedule is the same but he might have two weeks longer.
Then we can go back to not rushing out of the door first thing Saturday morning.
Yesterday, at Andrew's game, I took a few pictures of the kids with me. Check them out:
Yep....silly kids. :)
So today. Let's see....what might today hold, you know.....AFTER the football game. We have the dishwasher that needs to be reinstalled from when we did the kitchen floor a few weeks back. We had tried to install it a couple times but as it turned out, we needed to replace a part which meant we had to order it and then wait for it to arrive. It's here now so hopefully, it will be a quick job to get it back in. Trust me - the novelty of washing dishes by hand for a family of 5 wore off a good long time ago. The kids, however, have had a good taste of doing dishes which I think can only benefit them in the long run.
Oh - did I tell you that I went to a PWT (People Working Together) meeting at the new school? It's their equivalent to a PTA or PTO. Anyway - I volunteered to be on the book fair committee for the October book fair. I am determined to keep my involvement down this year because I was so burned out by the end of last year....my 4th year running the PTO at Crestline. It's nice to see a higher number of parent volunteers at the new school but I heard the same thing from many people: it's always the same group volunteering. Same issue, different school. I suppose that's how it is everywhere, though.
Being back in the school means background check reports, which because I knew I was going to get involved on some level, I completed back in June. Maybe at the next open house, there should be a station set up for easy processing of the background checks. It could have a banner that reads: FREE SERVICE: check background checks here!! And then, once people have their checks run, you snag them for volunteering. :)
You know how people can't resist free things. Two birds, one stone. I'm all about that. :)
Okee doke - it's half time. Maybe we can work on the dishwasher and see if we can get it in before the second half of the same.
Sundays in the fall around here for me? Finding little things to do to keep me occupied while the football game is on. :)
Lucky you - today, that means blogging. :)
Both Kaylen and Andrew had soccer games yesterday so we spent the morning driving into Vancouver to be at Andrew's game at 9am and then racing out to Battleground for Kaylen's 11am game. Due to Andrew's game running over by...a lot....we missed Kaylen's warm up time and the first couple minutes of her game. Oh the life of multi-kid sport season. Next week, we have a game close to home and then another one an hour north. Since the kids are all at other parent's houses next weekend, we have time to get to both because we don't have to factor in warm up time. Only 4 more weeks for Kaylen's games and then her season is over. I think Andrew's schedule is the same but he might have two weeks longer.
Then we can go back to not rushing out of the door first thing Saturday morning.
Yesterday, at Andrew's game, I took a few pictures of the kids with me. Check them out:
I really like this one!
So today. Let's see....what might today hold, you know.....AFTER the football game. We have the dishwasher that needs to be reinstalled from when we did the kitchen floor a few weeks back. We had tried to install it a couple times but as it turned out, we needed to replace a part which meant we had to order it and then wait for it to arrive. It's here now so hopefully, it will be a quick job to get it back in. Trust me - the novelty of washing dishes by hand for a family of 5 wore off a good long time ago. The kids, however, have had a good taste of doing dishes which I think can only benefit them in the long run.
Oh - did I tell you that I went to a PWT (People Working Together) meeting at the new school? It's their equivalent to a PTA or PTO. Anyway - I volunteered to be on the book fair committee for the October book fair. I am determined to keep my involvement down this year because I was so burned out by the end of last year....my 4th year running the PTO at Crestline. It's nice to see a higher number of parent volunteers at the new school but I heard the same thing from many people: it's always the same group volunteering. Same issue, different school. I suppose that's how it is everywhere, though.
Being back in the school means background check reports, which because I knew I was going to get involved on some level, I completed back in June. Maybe at the next open house, there should be a station set up for easy processing of the background checks. It could have a banner that reads: FREE SERVICE: check background checks here!! And then, once people have their checks run, you snag them for volunteering. :)
You know how people can't resist free things. Two birds, one stone. I'm all about that. :)
Okee doke - it's half time. Maybe we can work on the dishwasher and see if we can get it in before the second half of the same.
Friday, September 28, 2012
All Up In My Grill
Who is all up in my grill? My sister. For two days running now I have gotten emails and phone calls saying "Your blog is boring." "You could blog about getting stung by a bee, ya know." "When are you going to blog?"
Ok ok ok. I get it. What can I say? I've been busy....and...most importantly....happily living life. When I get all happy, there isn't much need for blogging and getting all my thoughts out. Besides, if I did blog about all the ridiculously happy things, you all would start complaining that I'm pooping rainbows and unicorns. I can't win, can I? :)
So what's new.......we have two new kittens. They have yet to be named because we have yet to get to spend much time with them. They huddle together, sleep the day away, play all night, and hang out with Zip (the 2 year old cat) as they all try to avoid coming into contact with Cody and Maddie, the dogs. They have been with us two weeks today. As anti-social as they are, they have come a long, long way. If we catch them, we can hold them. Last night they let us pet them for a few minutes and one even snuggled with Kelton for a brief moment in time. They were from a wild litter, so really? We are making progress. Slow but steady.
Yesterday I got stung by a bee. Three times. That was fun. Not. I am still achy and sore but doing ok.
Life with Stephanie is going amazingly well. I'm happy, she's happy, the kids are happy......so life is good there. :)
I ruined a small section of the new floor which now needs to be replaced. Let's say dropping a bottle of carpet cleaner solution and not noticing the lid broke off of it isn't a good thing. It was only about 4 minutes of time but it was long enough to ruin about 4 boards. Stephanie, upon seeing my panic, assured me it was no big deal and she would fix it...and would, in fact, replace the entire house full of floors for me if she needed to. *swoon* She loves me, what can I say? All I could think of was "All those hours and hours of hard work she put in laying the flooring! Not even 6 weeks later, I go and wreck a patch. *sigh*
Life happens, though, right?
Let's see...what else...what else?
Kids are doing well in school. Kelton seems to be happier at the new school then he was at the old one. Kaylen misses her old friends (especially Ella) and familiar teachers but is doing ok. She hates the bus so I am peppering the week with running out to pick them up (I already take them every morning) while still having them ride the bus home some days. The school counselor will be working with Kaylen to introduce her to come of the girls who ride her bus (no one from her class rides her bus) so she won't feel quite so lost on the 40 minute ride home.
Kelton and Kaylen have settled into the new house and we have found routines that work (for the most part).
Other than that - I really don't think I have much to write about. Weekends are filled with home projects, soccer games, and some much needed down time. Life is busy and crazy and good.
(Lannon: Does this win my any points? I blogged just for you! *grin*)
Ok ok ok. I get it. What can I say? I've been busy....and...most importantly....happily living life. When I get all happy, there isn't much need for blogging and getting all my thoughts out. Besides, if I did blog about all the ridiculously happy things, you all would start complaining that I'm pooping rainbows and unicorns. I can't win, can I? :)
So what's new.......we have two new kittens. They have yet to be named because we have yet to get to spend much time with them. They huddle together, sleep the day away, play all night, and hang out with Zip (the 2 year old cat) as they all try to avoid coming into contact with Cody and Maddie, the dogs. They have been with us two weeks today. As anti-social as they are, they have come a long, long way. If we catch them, we can hold them. Last night they let us pet them for a few minutes and one even snuggled with Kelton for a brief moment in time. They were from a wild litter, so really? We are making progress. Slow but steady.
Yesterday I got stung by a bee. Three times. That was fun. Not. I am still achy and sore but doing ok.
Life with Stephanie is going amazingly well. I'm happy, she's happy, the kids are happy......so life is good there. :)
I ruined a small section of the new floor which now needs to be replaced. Let's say dropping a bottle of carpet cleaner solution and not noticing the lid broke off of it isn't a good thing. It was only about 4 minutes of time but it was long enough to ruin about 4 boards. Stephanie, upon seeing my panic, assured me it was no big deal and she would fix it...and would, in fact, replace the entire house full of floors for me if she needed to. *swoon* She loves me, what can I say? All I could think of was "All those hours and hours of hard work she put in laying the flooring! Not even 6 weeks later, I go and wreck a patch. *sigh*
Life happens, though, right?
Let's see...what else...what else?
Kids are doing well in school. Kelton seems to be happier at the new school then he was at the old one. Kaylen misses her old friends (especially Ella) and familiar teachers but is doing ok. She hates the bus so I am peppering the week with running out to pick them up (I already take them every morning) while still having them ride the bus home some days. The school counselor will be working with Kaylen to introduce her to come of the girls who ride her bus (no one from her class rides her bus) so she won't feel quite so lost on the 40 minute ride home.
Kelton and Kaylen have settled into the new house and we have found routines that work (for the most part).
Other than that - I really don't think I have much to write about. Weekends are filled with home projects, soccer games, and some much needed down time. Life is busy and crazy and good.
(Lannon: Does this win my any points? I blogged just for you! *grin*)
Thursday, September 06, 2012
The House
We have spent the past few weeks workig on the outside of the house. New paint, new gutters, and needed roof repairs. I have to say, we are really enjoying the peaceful light green color. It's a subtle difference, but a good difference.
I wish I had before and after photos of the inside. It is truly amazing what a lot of sweat equity gets you. :)
I wish I had before and after photos of the inside. It is truly amazing what a lot of sweat equity gets you. :)
Before:
After:
An Update
So - the kids have been in school for one week plus one day. Today was the first day there were no comments about "I wish I didn't have to go to school." or "I miss Crestline." Today, both kiddos got up happily, took care of what they needed to take care of, and got themselves ready and into the car without so much as a cross word to each other, or me.
SCORE!
This week, I started driving them in the mornings. It allows for a slower pace and, I believe, less stress and anxiety for Kaylen. She HATES the school bus. I can't say I blame her. It is a 30 minute drive to school and a 45 minute ride home (I have NO idea why it takes so much longer. They aren't the last stop in the morning but somehow, they end up being second to last at the end of the day.) That's a long time to be on a hot, crowded, noisy bus. I agreed to take them most mornings and then pick them up one day each week which seems to be going well. (The pick up lane at the schools is a nightmare! I picked them up yesterday and was sooo frustrated. Plus I have to go through the lanes at both the school (Kaylen is in the primary school (K-2) and on the other end of the property is the intermediate school (3-5) for Kelton. Different buildings, different rules, different picture days, different lunch rooms, different principals...etc.)
Last week we battled the "No one likes me. I have no friends. I hate that we moved. I hate this school. I want to go back to Crestline." with Kaylen. Kelton seems to be rolling with it well and is making friends. Apparently, being a new 5th grader is much easier than being the new kid in 2nd grade. Or maybe it's the boy vs. girl thing. Maybe it's just my high anxiety daughter. I don't know.
This week, day by day, she is talking more and more of new friends, and today I heard the words "Best friend" in conjunction with someones name. Yesterday I learned she eats lunch with "all the girls". I walked her to her door the past couple mornings and I have watched as more of the girls flock to her side when she arrives. It does this mommy's heart good to see that!
I won't lie. Moving, and starting a new school, has been a hard transition. Yesterday, our former district started back and I was hit a few times during the day with strong pangs of missing *my* friends at school, roaming around a building I know and had the ability to come and go from as I wanted. I was at the house picking up a few boxes (yes - I still have stuff I am dealing with there - anyone want to come help me finish? My back is slowing me down more than I want.) and the school bus drove by. Apparently, no need to stop at the end of my driveway this year. Last year, at the beginning of the school year, there were 7 kids. By the end, there were three. Those three (my two and another) moved over the summer. So strange to have the bus filled with familiar faces drive by me without stopping to pick up my two. So yes, this has been difficult, and continues to be, for all three of us. But we are settling in and finding our place....bit by bit.
It's a good thing I don't smoke. I'm pretty sure the stress would have me smoking a lot. I would probably need to look into those electronic cigarette's with the famous smoke free shipping. It's also a good thing I'm not a big drinker because seriously? There are some days I would like to pour a big, stiff drink. Instead, to deal with the stress, I put on my jammies, pull out a comfy blanket, turn on the TV, and curl up on the couch. Come to think of it - that has become a routine every single night this week. Stressed much? Naaaaaah. :) Hey - at least I found a good way to deal with it, right?
Anyway.....things are moving along. Step by step. One day, sometimes one minute, at a time.
SCORE!
This week, I started driving them in the mornings. It allows for a slower pace and, I believe, less stress and anxiety for Kaylen. She HATES the school bus. I can't say I blame her. It is a 30 minute drive to school and a 45 minute ride home (I have NO idea why it takes so much longer. They aren't the last stop in the morning but somehow, they end up being second to last at the end of the day.) That's a long time to be on a hot, crowded, noisy bus. I agreed to take them most mornings and then pick them up one day each week which seems to be going well. (The pick up lane at the schools is a nightmare! I picked them up yesterday and was sooo frustrated. Plus I have to go through the lanes at both the school (Kaylen is in the primary school (K-2) and on the other end of the property is the intermediate school (3-5) for Kelton. Different buildings, different rules, different picture days, different lunch rooms, different principals...etc.)
Last week we battled the "No one likes me. I have no friends. I hate that we moved. I hate this school. I want to go back to Crestline." with Kaylen. Kelton seems to be rolling with it well and is making friends. Apparently, being a new 5th grader is much easier than being the new kid in 2nd grade. Or maybe it's the boy vs. girl thing. Maybe it's just my high anxiety daughter. I don't know.
This week, day by day, she is talking more and more of new friends, and today I heard the words "Best friend" in conjunction with someones name. Yesterday I learned she eats lunch with "all the girls". I walked her to her door the past couple mornings and I have watched as more of the girls flock to her side when she arrives. It does this mommy's heart good to see that!
I won't lie. Moving, and starting a new school, has been a hard transition. Yesterday, our former district started back and I was hit a few times during the day with strong pangs of missing *my* friends at school, roaming around a building I know and had the ability to come and go from as I wanted. I was at the house picking up a few boxes (yes - I still have stuff I am dealing with there - anyone want to come help me finish? My back is slowing me down more than I want.) and the school bus drove by. Apparently, no need to stop at the end of my driveway this year. Last year, at the beginning of the school year, there were 7 kids. By the end, there were three. Those three (my two and another) moved over the summer. So strange to have the bus filled with familiar faces drive by me without stopping to pick up my two. So yes, this has been difficult, and continues to be, for all three of us. But we are settling in and finding our place....bit by bit.
It's a good thing I don't smoke. I'm pretty sure the stress would have me smoking a lot. I would probably need to look into those electronic cigarette's with the famous smoke free shipping. It's also a good thing I'm not a big drinker because seriously? There are some days I would like to pour a big, stiff drink. Instead, to deal with the stress, I put on my jammies, pull out a comfy blanket, turn on the TV, and curl up on the couch. Come to think of it - that has become a routine every single night this week. Stressed much? Naaaaaah. :) Hey - at least I found a good way to deal with it, right?
Anyway.....things are moving along. Step by step. One day, sometimes one minute, at a time.
*THUD*
Now I know guitars, good ones, are not inexpensive but holy heck - that is some price tag, dontcha think?
Good thing I'm not in the market for an electric guitar. :) If I were, I'd probably go for an affordable gibson copy because why not, right? Copies are good. It's not like I'm a professional musician. If I were, I just might pony up the $1165. :)
Why am I looking at guitars? Good question. Sucha good question that I have no good answer except "because". You know, that famous answer that drives parents INSANE when a child give it. "Because is NOT an answer." We all say in response.
But it's it? I mean. It IS an answer. Just not a good one. :)
So....because. That's the answer. Because I can.
:)
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
The Day Before School
What a whirlwind summer it has been. Or...rather...should I ask "It was summer? When? How did I miss it?"
School starts tomorrow. Classes at the elementary school start at 8AM, which means Kelton and Kaylen will be getting on the school bus at 7:15. Yes, you read that right. 7:15am. That is SO not funny. But that's life in the country...and in the new school district.
For their parts, they are excited, anxious, and nervous. For my part? Yeah - exactly the same. This is a new world we have entered. New people. New everything. It's scary...and exciting. My anxiety is running high so I can totally understand the mini-explosions the kids seem to be having today. We know it will be ok but still - it's nerve racking.
But back to summer. We spent all summer cleaning out, packing up, pulling up old flooring and laying new, painting, etc. It's been one thing after another after another and it isn't over yet. We have a lot of my house moved but there is still way too much left to do. We need to get the swing set over, the washer and dryer, the freezer, the trash compactor.....the garage hasn't been dealt with and there are still plenty more things to box up. And then there is the cleaning. I have to say, I am shocked as how much crap gets under things in 10 years. The massive amount of small toys that were under the computer cabinet, the entertainment center, beds, etc. It's overwhelming. Thank God I have a really good friend who is helping me - and keeping me sane. Ingrid, I don't know what I'd do without you. :)
I ran some errands today and I noticed the leaves are changing color and starting to fall. Autumn. It's crazy. I had plans to take the kids to the beach for at least a day this summer. My dream was overnight but at least for a full day. We didn't make it. I'm hoping we can go in the coming weeks before it gets too cold to enjoy it. In my far away dreams, I think of beach vacation rentals from BeachHouse.com and wonder if we could find a good deal to be able to spend a weekend.
I need to get to the beach. Soon. I need to re-energize because I am severely lacking energy. Both Stephanie and I are. It's been weeks of hard, hard work. But the payoff is pretty amazing! We have beautiful bamboo floors in. A new kitchen floor, fresh paint (inside and out), the roof has been repaired in the few places we needed and there are new gutters to be attached in the coming week. We have worked hard and made this house into a real home. Sure - the boys are sharing a room, which neither one will admit to enjoying (but something that the late night whispering and giggling will attest to) and we are still working out kinks in rules, etc. but it is all coming together.
Slowly but surely. It is all coming together.
And tomorrow, the first day of school, is a whole new beginning for everyone.
School starts tomorrow. Classes at the elementary school start at 8AM, which means Kelton and Kaylen will be getting on the school bus at 7:15. Yes, you read that right. 7:15am. That is SO not funny. But that's life in the country...and in the new school district.
For their parts, they are excited, anxious, and nervous. For my part? Yeah - exactly the same. This is a new world we have entered. New people. New everything. It's scary...and exciting. My anxiety is running high so I can totally understand the mini-explosions the kids seem to be having today. We know it will be ok but still - it's nerve racking.
But back to summer. We spent all summer cleaning out, packing up, pulling up old flooring and laying new, painting, etc. It's been one thing after another after another and it isn't over yet. We have a lot of my house moved but there is still way too much left to do. We need to get the swing set over, the washer and dryer, the freezer, the trash compactor.....the garage hasn't been dealt with and there are still plenty more things to box up. And then there is the cleaning. I have to say, I am shocked as how much crap gets under things in 10 years. The massive amount of small toys that were under the computer cabinet, the entertainment center, beds, etc. It's overwhelming. Thank God I have a really good friend who is helping me - and keeping me sane. Ingrid, I don't know what I'd do without you. :)
I ran some errands today and I noticed the leaves are changing color and starting to fall. Autumn. It's crazy. I had plans to take the kids to the beach for at least a day this summer. My dream was overnight but at least for a full day. We didn't make it. I'm hoping we can go in the coming weeks before it gets too cold to enjoy it. In my far away dreams, I think of beach vacation rentals from BeachHouse.com and wonder if we could find a good deal to be able to spend a weekend.
I need to get to the beach. Soon. I need to re-energize because I am severely lacking energy. Both Stephanie and I are. It's been weeks of hard, hard work. But the payoff is pretty amazing! We have beautiful bamboo floors in. A new kitchen floor, fresh paint (inside and out), the roof has been repaired in the few places we needed and there are new gutters to be attached in the coming week. We have worked hard and made this house into a real home. Sure - the boys are sharing a room, which neither one will admit to enjoying (but something that the late night whispering and giggling will attest to) and we are still working out kinks in rules, etc. but it is all coming together.
Slowly but surely. It is all coming together.
And tomorrow, the first day of school, is a whole new beginning for everyone.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Kelton
Yes, Kelton is still around. He is near impossible to get photos of these days so I thought I would upload a few self portraits he has created on my iPad.
He is a silly boy!
He is a silly boy!
New Bike
For the past three weeks I have been telling Kaylen that we would go get a new bicycle for her, as she has long since outgrown the 12inch bike I bought her when she was barely four years old. Today I finally made good on my promise (which took longer than I liked for various reasons. Usually, I act fast when I make a promise to my kids).
Kaylen and I headed out shopping early this afternoon. On the way there, she detailed for me the type of bike she would like. I cautioned her that we might not find one exactly like she wanted so imagine my surprise when we entered the bike row and, within seconds, heard "Mom! This one!"
I admit, it is her to a T. She is one happy camper!
Kaylen and I headed out shopping early this afternoon. On the way there, she detailed for me the type of bike she would like. I cautioned her that we might not find one exactly like she wanted so imagine my surprise when we entered the bike row and, within seconds, heard "Mom! This one!"
I admit, it is her to a T. She is one happy camper!
First Day Outfit
It didn't take Kaylen long to figure out what she will be wearing on the first day of school (which is in two short weeks). I have to say, it is perfectly her! 
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Twelve Days Since My Last Post
I have to apologize for my lack of blog attention. This whole "moving ten years of your life as well as the children and merging lives with other people" is not as seamless as it feels it should be. There is so much to be done.
The floors are in the process of being put in. We (and by "we" I really mean Stephanie) have completed all the bedrooms and, as of yesterday, the hallway and half the living room. We still have the rest of the living room, the kitchen nook area and the dining room to go. And then there is laying new vinyl flooring in the kitchen. We have already painted the rooms that needed painting, the children's bedrooms are mostly moved from the old house to the new (Kelton and Andrew are sharing which presents a whole other issue for space for both of them). There is still a ton of packing, sorting, deciding what goes into boxes to be stored and what we need to find room for, etc. to do. This is no where near as "easy" as moving one entire home into a waiting and empty home. It's tough, difficult and sometimes incredibly painful work.
I am more affected by the moving out of the home I have spent the past ten years building than I thought I would be. I was working over there yesterday and I was haunted by ghosts of years gone by. I swear I could hear Kelton's three year old voice echoing down the hall. I walked by the back slider and I could have sworn they were out playing in all of their 2 and 5 year old glory. Little ghosts of them are every where. Ghosts of the family unit I used to have can overwhelm me but mostly it is the day to day memories I have of the children. Those are mine - all mine - because I was home with them each and every day.
Christmas mornings in the living room. Birthday parties. First steps, bringing home Kaylen after her birth. Moving into the house when Kelton was a small 10 weeks old. It's all heart stoppingly difficult to let go of.
And yet - I'm excited about the future, too.
It's a very surreal place to be.
Learning the share the day to day with another adult after being on my own for virtually 6.5 years (4 years of law school when I was, let's face it, alone 97% of the time and the 2.5 years since Dakota left) can be both exciting and a challenge. For her part, Stephanie has been living as the sole adult in a house for 7 plus years so to say we are firmly rooted in our ways is putting it mildly. We are making it work though. Step by step. Our love gets us through the tougher times. And the good times are near perfection.
It will all work out. I am just so looking forward to being moved and settled. The chapters closed. Time to rest a little and not feel so completely overwhelmed and exhausted and like I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat but never really being able to sleep for any length of time.
It's hard. Leaving the home I built with, and for, my children. I never really thought I would move from that house. We used to talk to the kids about them going to the middle school up the street...and the high school just down the street. From the time Kelton was 10 weeks old, that house is where I thought I would watch my children grow up and become adults. I'm not one that dreams of relocating. Ever. I grew up in the same house we moved my parents from a few years back. My parents lived in a total of three places their entire lives, besides their parents home. My mom didn't move from the house she was raised in until she married my dad. I don't come from a line of nomads. We put down roots and stay put. And I like it that way.
So moving. It's a very, very big deal for me. And it's very emotional. Both the highs and the lows. And it's often you can find me in a puddle of tears for a while before I pull myself together and move another step forward.
It's not just my own emotions I am dealing with. Kelton and Kaylen are a bucket of their own emotions which, like mine, run the full spectrum. Our good days are very good. Our sad times are deep and sad and hard but together, we are all getting through and moving forward. Tiny step by tiny step.
Nothing is constant but change.
The floors are in the process of being put in. We (and by "we" I really mean Stephanie) have completed all the bedrooms and, as of yesterday, the hallway and half the living room. We still have the rest of the living room, the kitchen nook area and the dining room to go. And then there is laying new vinyl flooring in the kitchen. We have already painted the rooms that needed painting, the children's bedrooms are mostly moved from the old house to the new (Kelton and Andrew are sharing which presents a whole other issue for space for both of them). There is still a ton of packing, sorting, deciding what goes into boxes to be stored and what we need to find room for, etc. to do. This is no where near as "easy" as moving one entire home into a waiting and empty home. It's tough, difficult and sometimes incredibly painful work.
I am more affected by the moving out of the home I have spent the past ten years building than I thought I would be. I was working over there yesterday and I was haunted by ghosts of years gone by. I swear I could hear Kelton's three year old voice echoing down the hall. I walked by the back slider and I could have sworn they were out playing in all of their 2 and 5 year old glory. Little ghosts of them are every where. Ghosts of the family unit I used to have can overwhelm me but mostly it is the day to day memories I have of the children. Those are mine - all mine - because I was home with them each and every day.
Christmas mornings in the living room. Birthday parties. First steps, bringing home Kaylen after her birth. Moving into the house when Kelton was a small 10 weeks old. It's all heart stoppingly difficult to let go of.
And yet - I'm excited about the future, too.
It's a very surreal place to be.
Learning the share the day to day with another adult after being on my own for virtually 6.5 years (4 years of law school when I was, let's face it, alone 97% of the time and the 2.5 years since Dakota left) can be both exciting and a challenge. For her part, Stephanie has been living as the sole adult in a house for 7 plus years so to say we are firmly rooted in our ways is putting it mildly. We are making it work though. Step by step. Our love gets us through the tougher times. And the good times are near perfection.
It will all work out. I am just so looking forward to being moved and settled. The chapters closed. Time to rest a little and not feel so completely overwhelmed and exhausted and like I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat but never really being able to sleep for any length of time.
It's hard. Leaving the home I built with, and for, my children. I never really thought I would move from that house. We used to talk to the kids about them going to the middle school up the street...and the high school just down the street. From the time Kelton was 10 weeks old, that house is where I thought I would watch my children grow up and become adults. I'm not one that dreams of relocating. Ever. I grew up in the same house we moved my parents from a few years back. My parents lived in a total of three places their entire lives, besides their parents home. My mom didn't move from the house she was raised in until she married my dad. I don't come from a line of nomads. We put down roots and stay put. And I like it that way.
So moving. It's a very, very big deal for me. And it's very emotional. Both the highs and the lows. And it's often you can find me in a puddle of tears for a while before I pull myself together and move another step forward.
It's not just my own emotions I am dealing with. Kelton and Kaylen are a bucket of their own emotions which, like mine, run the full spectrum. Our good days are very good. Our sad times are deep and sad and hard but together, we are all getting through and moving forward. Tiny step by tiny step.
Nothing is constant but change.
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
The Flooring Is In!
Finally!!! After weeks of waiting, the flooring has finally arrived. It feels like Christmas morning. :) Stephanie and I sat outside this morning planning out how the next few days are going to go. We are installing it ourselves (because the price of having someone do it vs doing it ourselves was something crazy like four and a half times the amount!)
I looked at her, over my steaming cup of coffee this morning, with a silly grin on my face. She looked back and said "I am soooooo excited!" "Me, too!!!!!!!" I said. This is more fun than a Christmas gift of all the ipod nano accessories in the world. :)
I cannot wait to get started putting in the floor. And once the bedrooms are in, we can start moving the kids bedrooms so we can get them all squared away in their spaces. And from there - it will be a lot of sweat and work but we will merge the two houses and create our new life.
I cannot wait!!!
I looked at her, over my steaming cup of coffee this morning, with a silly grin on my face. She looked back and said "I am soooooo excited!" "Me, too!!!!!!!" I said. This is more fun than a Christmas gift of all the ipod nano accessories in the world. :)
I cannot wait to get started putting in the floor. And once the bedrooms are in, we can start moving the kids bedrooms so we can get them all squared away in their spaces. And from there - it will be a lot of sweat and work but we will merge the two houses and create our new life.
I cannot wait!!!
Life is....well....crazy
All aboard the Crazy Train!
Seriously, I don't recall a time in recent history where my life has been so insanely crazy. Crazy enough to knock me right off my rocker. And I kid you not. Between living in two places, but not really living anywhere, reconstruction of the "new" house (new flooring, painting, cleaning out, organizing, etc.), the children (all three of them, who at different times (and sometimes the same time) have given me a run for my money sanity-wise), losing my dad (which I admit has flipped me harder than I ever expected it too), losing yet another pet (almost 15 year old cat), and just the overall chaos and stress level, there were a couple days there were I was unable to cope. As in completely unable to cope.
There hasn't been time to breathe quietly let alone do things necessary in life such as get term life insurance quotes or new auto insurance quotes. I completely neglected taking care of myself and certainly was getting nowhere near the amount of sleep and rest I need to keep my brain focused and my pain level tolerable.
I'm trying to change that. It's a challenge because there are children and chores and, and, and...not to mention an adult relationship that needs to be tended to. The relationship part is key and while we promised we would not let "us" slide to the back burner, we did and we paid a hefty price for that in the form of a mental collapse on my end. I think one of the most difficult parts of this transition is going from a place where Stephanie and I had an adult relationship that was, for the most part, separate from our life with the kids. We had time to just be together and talk and dream. Once we started staying at the new house mostly full time, the kids took center stage (as they are known to do) and we had to readjust our view of "us".
Challenging does not begin to explain it.
Blending families is a difficult thing to do and unless you have first hand experience, there is no way you can understand it. And I'm talking first hand experience in the exact situation: kids, in the same age group, on both side.
But it's good, too. In all the chaos there is laughter and fun and happy moments.
I just can't wait until we are more settled and there is more laughter, fun and happy moments than stressful ones.
Seriously, I don't recall a time in recent history where my life has been so insanely crazy. Crazy enough to knock me right off my rocker. And I kid you not. Between living in two places, but not really living anywhere, reconstruction of the "new" house (new flooring, painting, cleaning out, organizing, etc.), the children (all three of them, who at different times (and sometimes the same time) have given me a run for my money sanity-wise), losing my dad (which I admit has flipped me harder than I ever expected it too), losing yet another pet (almost 15 year old cat), and just the overall chaos and stress level, there were a couple days there were I was unable to cope. As in completely unable to cope.
There hasn't been time to breathe quietly let alone do things necessary in life such as get term life insurance quotes or new auto insurance quotes. I completely neglected taking care of myself and certainly was getting nowhere near the amount of sleep and rest I need to keep my brain focused and my pain level tolerable.
I'm trying to change that. It's a challenge because there are children and chores and, and, and...not to mention an adult relationship that needs to be tended to. The relationship part is key and while we promised we would not let "us" slide to the back burner, we did and we paid a hefty price for that in the form of a mental collapse on my end. I think one of the most difficult parts of this transition is going from a place where Stephanie and I had an adult relationship that was, for the most part, separate from our life with the kids. We had time to just be together and talk and dream. Once we started staying at the new house mostly full time, the kids took center stage (as they are known to do) and we had to readjust our view of "us".
Challenging does not begin to explain it.
Blending families is a difficult thing to do and unless you have first hand experience, there is no way you can understand it. And I'm talking first hand experience in the exact situation: kids, in the same age group, on both side.
But it's good, too. In all the chaos there is laughter and fun and happy moments.
I just can't wait until we are more settled and there is more laughter, fun and happy moments than stressful ones.
Rings and Commitments
Merging houses, and lives. It's like marriage without the diamond ring engagement part. But then, we already have the whole engagement ring thing down and have for a long, long while. Yes, it's true. She asked and I said yes. A very long time ago. That really shouldn't surprise anyone. :)
We're waiting to have any sort of ceremony though because eventually we will be able to be legally married. Until then, we know the depths of our love and commitment and that is good enough for us. For now. Because eventually, we will make it legal.
True. It's "just a piece of paper" but it's a very important piece of paper.
Come on, Washington State. Let's get this thing rolling!
We're waiting to have any sort of ceremony though because eventually we will be able to be legally married. Until then, we know the depths of our love and commitment and that is good enough for us. For now. Because eventually, we will make it legal.
True. It's "just a piece of paper" but it's a very important piece of paper.
Come on, Washington State. Let's get this thing rolling!
Friday, June 29, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Tuesday
I wish I had something entertaining to write about tonight but I really don't think I do. Maybe I'll just ramble for a few minutes. I'm sure you are all used to that, anyway, right? :)
It's been three weeks since my dad passed away. Three weeks tonight. I've had a really rough couple of days emotionally and I find I still can't quite grasp the fact that my parents are no longer living. I have these moments of panic when I think "But wait! I need to ask you about....." or "Can you tell me how you handled this whole grown up thing because I think I'm sucking at it. How in the world did you raise FIVE kids? My two, plus one, drive me to the brink of all that is good and holy more days than not. HOW did you do this? Were there some day when you wanted to smack us clean into tomorrow? Did you watch us sleep and wonder how you got so lucky? Did you hold us close and smell that amazing child scent that is full of wonder and mischief? Did you cry when we said mean and terrible things to you? Did you cry yourselves to sleep some nights, sick with worry for our future? Did you question every choice you made? Every choice we made? How did you survive us?"
But I know, even if they were both still alive, that I would never get the answers that my heart seems so desperately to know. My mom's brain disease (PLS) would prevent her from being the mom I need. My dad's stroke from long ago had prevented him from answering the handful of questions I posed over the past five years, as parenting became more challenging. He couldn't remember and I could tell it would frustrate him that he didn't have the answers I sought. So, I stopped asking.
And now, I have no chance to ask. I know it's life. I know lots of people lose their parents at my age, or younger. I know many of us are raising children without benefit of the generational knowledge that came before us. We all manage to muddle through. It's just the past few days I have really wanted and needed the wisdom and guidance. The assurance that the kids will be ok - that I will be ok. That change, while at times more difficult that I can say, is a good thing and everything will be great.
The changes I am making in my life are huge. Daunting. Amazing. Wonderful. Terrifying. Every emotion possible, I am experiencing it. Kelton made a comment this afternoon that his leg hurt and he thought he was having growing pains. I sighed and said "Yeah - I think I am, too." He said "You are? I thought you weren't growing anymore." "I think I'm having emotional and mental growing pains. And I bet that it hurts as much as your leg does." He nodded and said "Probably."
Change is hard for me. It's hard for most everyone but right now I go back and forth between full speed ahead and "Holy crap! Slow down!" I feel bi-polar. :)
I'm happy and excited and sad and terrified. All at the same time. Closing chapters in the book of my life has its stumbling blocks and yet I know....I KNOW....that I am making a good, sound and love-filled choice. And even though it is something I want very much, it is hard.
But that's the nature of life, you know? Nothing is constant but change.
I think it would be a whole lot easier if I wasn't balancing the needs, wants, heartbreak and excitement of two little ones. But I am.....and I very much want them to see the changes that they don't want to have to go through to be the best changes possible and ones they will look back on and say "You were right, Mom. Everything really is great and I am so happy in this new world."
And this is where having my parents reassure me that the kids will be ok...that I will be ok...would be really good.
It's been three weeks since my dad passed away. Three weeks tonight. I've had a really rough couple of days emotionally and I find I still can't quite grasp the fact that my parents are no longer living. I have these moments of panic when I think "But wait! I need to ask you about....." or "Can you tell me how you handled this whole grown up thing because I think I'm sucking at it. How in the world did you raise FIVE kids? My two, plus one, drive me to the brink of all that is good and holy more days than not. HOW did you do this? Were there some day when you wanted to smack us clean into tomorrow? Did you watch us sleep and wonder how you got so lucky? Did you hold us close and smell that amazing child scent that is full of wonder and mischief? Did you cry when we said mean and terrible things to you? Did you cry yourselves to sleep some nights, sick with worry for our future? Did you question every choice you made? Every choice we made? How did you survive us?"
But I know, even if they were both still alive, that I would never get the answers that my heart seems so desperately to know. My mom's brain disease (PLS) would prevent her from being the mom I need. My dad's stroke from long ago had prevented him from answering the handful of questions I posed over the past five years, as parenting became more challenging. He couldn't remember and I could tell it would frustrate him that he didn't have the answers I sought. So, I stopped asking.
And now, I have no chance to ask. I know it's life. I know lots of people lose their parents at my age, or younger. I know many of us are raising children without benefit of the generational knowledge that came before us. We all manage to muddle through. It's just the past few days I have really wanted and needed the wisdom and guidance. The assurance that the kids will be ok - that I will be ok. That change, while at times more difficult that I can say, is a good thing and everything will be great.
The changes I am making in my life are huge. Daunting. Amazing. Wonderful. Terrifying. Every emotion possible, I am experiencing it. Kelton made a comment this afternoon that his leg hurt and he thought he was having growing pains. I sighed and said "Yeah - I think I am, too." He said "You are? I thought you weren't growing anymore." "I think I'm having emotional and mental growing pains. And I bet that it hurts as much as your leg does." He nodded and said "Probably."
Change is hard for me. It's hard for most everyone but right now I go back and forth between full speed ahead and "Holy crap! Slow down!" I feel bi-polar. :)
I'm happy and excited and sad and terrified. All at the same time. Closing chapters in the book of my life has its stumbling blocks and yet I know....I KNOW....that I am making a good, sound and love-filled choice. And even though it is something I want very much, it is hard.
But that's the nature of life, you know? Nothing is constant but change.
I think it would be a whole lot easier if I wasn't balancing the needs, wants, heartbreak and excitement of two little ones. But I am.....and I very much want them to see the changes that they don't want to have to go through to be the best changes possible and ones they will look back on and say "You were right, Mom. Everything really is great and I am so happy in this new world."
And this is where having my parents reassure me that the kids will be ok...that I will be ok...would be really good.
Friday, June 22, 2012
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