Photos from My Phone

I uploaded all the photos from my phone. This first set is what happens when you try to get a cute picture of my kids in front of my sister's Christmas tree. I'm sure she has a couple hundred more because she is way more patient with their goofiness. :)

And then we added the cousins....

And now - present time!

And art time (with my dad overseeing them).
The next day the kids had hot tub time before we left Uncle James' house to spend New Years with my sister and the cousins.


Aunt Lannon is always good for arts and crafts time. Uncle James and Aunt Cara brought the gingerbread men decoration kit.

And Kaylen put together her mirror kit with help from her cousin. I totally love this picture! I adore how she is looking over her glasses. :)

And then -the New Years toast!

On the way home the next day, the kids and I took a side trip to the cemetery.
This is my mom.....
My maternal grandfather.....
My uncle.....
Then we went to the other side of the cemetery and visited my paternal side....I completely neglected taking a photo of my grandparents (and my plot next to theirs) but I did get my grandmother's brother and parents.....
Next up was a trip past the house I lived in with I first met Dakota. We lived there together for about a year and a half before we bought our first house.
This is a pile of kitties on my bed. Zip, the kitten, is in the middle. He is growing FAST!
And that pretty much ends the tour of Casey's phone photos. :) Fun, right?

A Change in the Day's Plans

I have both kids home today which was so not in my plan. Today was supposed to be my eye appointment and I am desperate for new glasses. Mine aren't even close to the right prescription anymore and it's starting to affect my day to day life. Today's appointment was already rescheduled once. But I didn't really have a choice. Kaylen's eyes weren't even open yet when she started complaining about her throat and how sore it was. She came into my bed early last night and was restless all night. I grabbed the flashlight. Yep - bright red. Dang.

I noticed Kelton wasn't yet awake. Not his usual M.O. Hmmmmm. When he finally did wake up, he crawled into my bed and he too started saying his throat hurt. I looked and yet - red. Not as bad as Kaylen's but his tonsils are inflamed.

Double dang.

I called the school attendance line and then left a message at the eye doctor. All at 6:45am.

Now we are all sitting in the living room. I have a fire going in the fireplace, Kelton is playing Kirby Epic Yard on the Wii, Kaylen is playing dolls and I am...well....I guess you can figure out what I'm doing. :)

We are supposed to get snow later which we are all hoping against hope for. It won't last long so you can be sure that, sick or not, we are all going out to play in it when/if it finally arrives.

Until then, it's a low key day around here. I'll do this and that and maybe look into a web site called appetitesuppressantsoverthecounter.com. It's always worth a look-see to find out what is out there. Oh - and of course I will hit the regular job sites though I doubt there will be much new up since I was cruising through them until about 9:30 last night.

And who knows, maybe I'll take the time to upload photos from my phone and share them. There are some cute ones from Christmas.

It Continues On...

The job hunt is continuing on into the second year. The second year! I am completely shocked by that and well....humbled. I've never had trouble finding a job. Never. I once left a job without any warning and within 3 days, I had another (better) job. I've never not gotten a job I applied for. Not once.

This is a hit to my self-esteem like you would never believe. Yeah yeah, I know all the lines of "It's the economy." "Hang in there. The right job will come along.", etc. They don't help. I'm a good bet for a job. I'd be a great employee. There is nothing I can't learn and master. I'm intelligent. I'm punctual and responsible. I'm worth the risk. But when I am up against hundreds of people applying for the same positions, how can I make myself stand out? The biggest strike against me is my time out of the workforce. I know this hurts my chances, but it's the truth and there is nothing I can do to change that gap. I need someone who will see the value in what I have been doing for the past 8 years.

Part of me is angry that I decided to stay at home with my babies (walking away from an amazing, and well paid, position) and yet, I know it was the best I could have given my children. I know that they are the people they are today because I stayed home. I guess it's safe to say I am mixed on that decision. I loved that I was able to raise my babies but it sure is biting me right now.

Is it any wonder that, after three hours of being on the job hunt, I am exhausted? Trying to sell myself to a perspective employee is hard work.

Productive Weekend

Wow - it's been an incredibly productive weekend. It took hours and hours, three trips to the dump and two trips to Goodwill but....after six years I am now able to park INSIDE the garage.

Inside. As in not outside.

It made me giddy to drive my car and park it inside the garage.

LOOK!


It was so weird to look out my front window this morning and not see my car. Parking in a garage...what a novel concept. :)

I gave up my parking spot six years ago this month when we moved all the infant equipment into the house (to prepare for Kaylen's birth) and tons of Kelton's 2 year old toys into a make-shift play area in the garage. It was necessary at the time and then...slowly but surely, the garage became a storage unit for.....well....everything. But now? Now I can park in my garage. YES YES YES!!!

And as if this weekend wasn't great enough, I went out and about with Cande and one of the places she had to go was a consignment store. I found the cutest jacket and purse all for under $20. I may not have won the Mega Millions Lottery but I struck gold this weekend!

Today

Today I am hoping to get some of the junk out of the garage and sent to the dump. There is just too much stuff out there but leaving things on the curb for trash day is very expensive. I wish it wasn't. Imagine how junk free many of us could be. I have two huge car seats that need to go, two large cat scratching posts that have been so well used they are trashed, three couches (yes three. Two from when I got the new ones and one that we moved down here from Mountlake Terrace that has always been in the garage. Time to get rid of it.) and various other things that need to be gone.

Once the big things are out of there, I can bag up outgrown toys, etc and take them to Goodwill. The Christmas bins need to go back into the attic.

It's going to be a long day but I hope it won't suck up all the hours. No, I don't have any cigar auctions to attend but
I would love to take a trip to the bookstore with a gift card I received. Mostly though, I want some down time. Find a movie on NetFlix stream and just kick back.

And on that note, guess I better jump in the shower and get this day going. Have a good Saturday, everyone!

Last Night

Last night my friend, Cande, and I hung out. We went and grabbed dinner and then came back, changed into jammies (yes - even Cande), poured a couple drinks and talked for a bit. Our lives are complicated and it's nice to have a comrade who "gets it" because their lives are in chaos as well. Our problems are similar and yet not so we can both empathize and get a new view on things. It's good for both of us.

We talked about *everything*....well, maybe not everything. I don't think paternity testing came up. :)

After we were caught up and talked out, I popped in the movie Charlie St. Cloud. Have you seen it? During the movie I kept thinking "This is sooooo not as good as I wanted it to be." and when it was over we both looked at each other and said "Wow. That was depressing."

The hour was late so Cande headed home and I headed to bed. I didn't sleep very well - awake a lot - but it did give me time for thinking and I have to say, the movie really had some inconsistencies. Like why couldn't Charlie touch Sam but he could touch Tess? Is there really an "in-between" state? Where was Sam during all the hours of the day and night he wasn't with Charlie?

Overall, it wasn't a great movie but it did give me some things to think about in a weird, twisty way. Not even close to as mind-bending as The Lake House though so don't get your hopes up. I wanted it to be really awesome but, as I have discovered, I really need to lower my expectations.

At least the company was awesome. :)

Update to the Update

I met Kaylen at lunch today and I am happy and relieved to report that she is doing ok. I kept everything upbeat and asked her about her morning and she didn't say anything (her teacher had emailed me again to let me know she was having a really good day) so neither did I.

She had a couple tearful moments at recess but nothing out of the ordinary these days and then the recess person came up to fill me in on what had happened in the morning. It was that person who had stopped the kids. Kaylen just listened and didn't react. I explained what I had told them to do and she said that now that she knows, she will let her go through (she knew before since she was one of the people assigned to Kaylen for second recess when she started doing that one alone. I don't know what happened today but whatever. It happened. It's over.)

Kaylen still didn't say anything about it so I just moved the conversation to something else. She happily went back to class at the end of recess so I'm going to assume she is doing fine. I'll know for sure next week when I attempt to send her without me again.

So now I am home and taking up the job search yet again. I found a couple healthcare it jobs which I'm not really qualified for so hopefully I will find a few that I *am* qualified for.

Here's hoping.

The Update

Well crud. I just got an email from Kaylen's teacher. Things didn't go as well as I had hoped. She settled Kaylen down and she thinks she is ok now but I know I'm going to have one unhappy child on my hands at recess.

Just sign me up for inpatient rehab centers please because I swear this is going to do me in. I feel like I let her down and that I'm a terrible mother.

I'm trying, people. I'm trying so hard.

I instructed Kelton to take Kaylen through the office to her room because she was adamant that she didn't want to wait outside in the cold alone. Going to her room from inside the school is something she and I do regularly. I honestly didn't think it would be a big deal considering everyone at the school knows her issues and how hard I am working with her. But..........when the kids entered the building they were told to go back outside and wait by the classroom door. Kelton explained what he had been told to do but whoever was talking with them insisted. Kaylen lost it. Just then, Kaylen's teacher walked by (Thank goodness!) and she took over. Needless to say, Kaylen was a wreck.

Two steps forward, fifteen steps back.

I feel like I'm been sucker punched. All my work to get her there alone was in vain because if you think she will do this again without me, you are wrong.

Crap.

And her teacher let me know there will be a sub on Tuesday. Oh joy. That will go over like a brick....especially after today.

*sigh*

Big Day

For the very first time since the first week in September, when life was turned upside down for Kaylen and I, my daughter climbed on the school bus and went to school without me. Usually, once a week, I put her on the bus and then meet her at school (the other days, I drive her and walk her to her room). This week, I told her that we were going to add a step. Tuesday she rode the bus and I met her and then today, she would ride the bus and I wouldn't meet her.

She was not all that thrilled but she did it. We had to pinky swear that I would be at recess about 40 times and the hugs and kisses were many but she took a deep breath and climbed up the bus steps.

I am so proud of her. It's been a long haul to get us where we are.

So here I am...hoping like heck Kelton followed my directions to get her to where she needed to go. Not only is this a big step for her, it's a big step for me. I have to trust she will get there and be ok. I do not take this for granted. When you have a child like Kaylen, you can't take anything for granted - each and every day is filled with obstacles, challenges and successes that most people don't have to deal with. This is a HUGE step for all three of us because Kelton has been deeply affected by all of this, too.

It's now time to link into my network cable and get busy job hunting. I have three hours to make good use of before I need to be at the school. It feels weird to not be going back and forth this morning but it's also nice. And bonus: I had time for two cups of coffee this morning. Go me!

Case In Point

Ok - I know you all want proof so here it is. This is the outfit Kaylen wore yesterday. Isn't it something? :) The kindergarten teachers assure me that they would much rather see these types of outfits than the perfectly matched ones because it shows independent thinking. Or maybe that's just what they tell me to make me feel better. :)

And no, Chris, I don't dress her and haven't since she was just under two. Her sensory issues made it all but impossible so she has been dressing herself for years.

And now....the outfit!

Little Mis-Matched

If you have ever had real life interactions with my daughter than you know all about her "unique" style of dressing. My friend, Cande, told me about a store that is all about selling mis-matched patterns and whatnot and how she should help them design some of their items.

I'm not sure what term would accurately describe her style. I'm not real sure what hip hop clothing looks like but maybe that is one term that could be used? I don't know. Yesterday she wore very colorful stripped with flowers tights with a green and blue dress with leaves on it. Just writing it out does not give you the proper vision but trust me....it was something else.

My daughter is an independent thinker, that's for sure. Maybe she will be a fashion designer when she is older. :)

School Buddy

Back in September, to help Kaylen cope at school, we set up a safe-plan for when she needed help. One of those things was her teddy bear, Fuzzy, who we called her "school buddy". All she had to do was grab her buddy from his place and it was a message to her teacher that she needed help.

It worked well.

Slowly, she stopped needing Fuzzy and today, she looked at her shelf behind her teacher's desk and said "I don't think I need Fuzzy here anymore. Will you take him home for me?"

My heart skipped beats. My breathing increased but I tried to hold steady and not yell out "YES YES YES!!!" I calmly said, "Sure. I'll take him home this morning." She handed him over and went on her way.

I could have cried tears of joy. She has come so far in three months. I'm still there for lunch recess but that's it. She is slowly working her way to riding the bus to school twice a week (usually with me meeting her there but this week, on Friday, the plan is I will not meet her there and instead will just see her at recess). Finally, ever so slowly, she is emerging from her shell and becoming the little girl I've always known her to be. Independent, amazing and self-assured.

I'm so grateful to have been able to help her all these months. I honestly believe my ability to be there to help her take each step has been a huge blessing to her...and to me. My daughter is getting ready to take on the world - just as I always knew she would.

Go Kaylen! I am so, so proud of you!!!

(Thank you, Dakota and Vicki. I know this would have been impossible without your support and understanding and I am very grateful to you both for helping Kaylen get what she needed to be able to succeed.)

Letting Go, Moving On

I've belonged to a MOMS Club since Kelton was 6 months old. That is a bit over 8 years. I made friends there I thought would last a lifetime and those friends carried me through two babyhoods, two toddlerhoods and two preschoolers. My membership is up for renewal and, as I know would be the case early last year, I will not be renewing. I will be letting go and moving on.

The friendships I thought would last a lifetime, did not. And that is ok. The club and the people were there when I needed them for the kids. I had playgroups and every Tuesday there was a group-wide get together. It was great in the early years and I honestly don't know what I would have done without the people from those days.

Thanks for the memories, MC, both the great and the not-so (because even the not-so great moments taught me things). Thanks for being there when I had my babies and needed the support of other new moms but...as with most things, there comes a time of letting go.

This is me, letting go.

I Resolve.....

...to be kind even when those around me are not.
...to spend time taking care of me instead of everyone but me.
...to learn to trust again.
...to remind myself that I *am* worth it...I am worth the effort to get to know and understand.
...to put myself at the head of the list.
...to find peace.
...to do more things for myself just because I'm worth it.
...to find at least one thing to be happy about each and every day.
...to spend time alone. A lot of time alone.
...to build a great life for the kids and me.
...to stop letting others opinions of me get the best of me.
...to learn to tame my anxiety and stress level.
...to spend more time with friends.
...to laugh more and cry less.
...to be the best mother possible to my children but not at the expense of losing myself again.
...to find who I am, what I want and what I need.
...to be true to myself and trust that it will all work out as it should.
...to let go of the hurt, betrayal and heartbreak and move forward happily and without regrets.

The Weekend in Photos

A few photos that capture our trip to my family. I have many more but Lannon sent me these so thought I would just pop them up for you to see.

The four kids in their annual matching pajamas thanks to Aunt Lannon.

Mikayla and Kaylen playing Just Dance. Kaylen kicked butt! ( I am in sooooo much trouble with her!)

Kelton and his gingerbread person.

LOVE this picture! It captures him perfectly!

Happy New Year!!!

What To Do

2010 in status updates

This is cool. It's called "A Year in Status" and it auto-generates a posting of status updates. Sadly, I have thousands upon thousands so it pulled from July through December. I made two because....well...I could. :)

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to all of you out there who come by day after day to read what I write. As you know, 2010 wasn't the best of years for me so I am really pinning some serious hope that 2011 will be a kinder and gentler year for me with a generous mix of love, happiness, great health, friends, laughter, success and, of course, a rockin' awesome job that I will love and will pay well enough to keep things running at a good pace with room for extras (and will somehow compensate for the time the children will be in day care and not with me).

2010? You weren't so kind and gentle. You were harsh and unforgiving. You brought pain so deep in the past 12 months that I think it rivals the past 12 years. But, to be fair, you also brought to light the fact that I have some seriously amazing friends and even more amazing family. You taught me that I not only can be completely alone, I actually crave it. You showed me what things and treatment I absolutely will not put up with again and you showed me the good things I deserve and didn't have.

Oh yes. You broke my heart a few times. That goes without saying but in the end.....in the end I am still standing and to be quite honest, I had doubts several times along the year.

So here is to 2011. May the good outweigh the not good a million to one.

Enjoy the start to your New Year. The kids and I head north tomorrow morning and won't be back for a few days. So......as the kids like to say......

See You Next Year! :)

Christmas Has Left The Building

Without regret, I boxed up Christmas and put it all away. This is the earliest I have ever put away Christmas but I've had my fill and need it to go away from my day to day life. Yesterday I was stir crazy with wanting it away from me but the kids weren't ready yet so I left it alone.

Today though, out came the boxes and strapping tape and in no time at all, it was all out of sight. (I think I need to find a good place to buy discount office supplies though because I am out of strapping tape again. Where does it all go?)

I'm not sorry to see it go. It was a tough season for me in many, many ways and I am really hoping that 2011 will be kinder and gentler to me. I hope to see things come together for me and for the kids but more of all, I hope the year is filled with peace, joy, good friends, love and laughter.

Here's hoping the same for all of you.

New Couches

The couches in my house had seen better days....by a long shot. I had taken to re-stitching the repairs I had already made over the years of dogs and kids being rough with the furniture. They were gross...and embarrassing and for the past year have, honestly, been taunting me. I have long dreamed of new couches but figured they were out of reach for a long while yet to come.

Then my birthday and Christmas and good friends came along and suddenly, I found myself being the owner of a new couch and love seat. And I love them!

Moving out the old and in the new took some serious strength, which I do not possess thanks to the damage to my spine and the resulting nerve damage. So Marlene and a son of her friend came to the rescue. I don't think they needed to read any testoripped reviews because their strength was pretty impressive. The old nasty couches were moved into the garage until a truck can be obtained to take them to the dump (They are that bad. Too yucky to even think about giving away for free.) and the new couches that make my heart sing, were moved in and set up.

The kids and I are VERY happy and I predict I will be finally spending time in the living room again (something I have avoided for most of the year). Maybe this is a really good step for taking control back in my life. A girl can hope.

It's Here

December 24th is here and, ready or not, here we go. The kids should be home from their overnight with Dakota soon and then it really begins. Maybe a Christmas movie watched together? Later this evening, Dakota and Vicki will be back for a Christmas Eve dinner, the tracking of Santa (thanks to the internet), the annual reading of the Night Before Christmas, the leaving out of Santa's treats...and the carrots for the reindeer, the chaos of Christmas Eve bedtime when two little ones will be too excited to settle down.

Then the adults will bring out their gifts for the kids and put them under the tree. Dakota and Vicki will return to their house and I will go to sleep so Santa can do his thing.

The kids, I'm sure, will be up and down all night wondering if it's time. Wondering if Santa really did come. I predict they will both end up in bed with me and there will be precious little sleep to be had.

Dakota and Vicki will come back at 6AM and we will free the kids from the back of the house so they can run to see what wishes have come true for them. I am looking forward to their excitement. Christmas is magical when you are little.....and I hope and pray the magic stays alive for them for a long, long, long time.

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone. May the love and joy of the next few days fill your heart and soul.

We All Need Saving - Lyrics

It's Coming

Twas the night before the night before Christmas and Casey was in full denial that Santa would soon be there. How is it possible? I feel a little like the Grinch - wanting to hold it back, stop it from coming but, like the Grinch learned, Christmas comes anyway.

And so it shall.

I sat down and went through all the cards I received this year. Twenty-nine in all as of yesterday. Twenty-nine people sat down and thought about me and the kids when they addressed the envelope and signed the card. Hundreds of you a day come by here and each time, it's because you have thought about us...or are thinking of us. That's pretty amazing really. All of you thinking of us. And still....I feel alone and lost. How is that possible?

None the less, thank you. Thank you for thinking of me. I wish you all the very Merriest Christmas. I hope we all find peace and experience good will.

You Asked For It.......

Peppermint Kisses

Step 1: Heat oven to 200 degrees F. Line 2 large baking sheets with wax paper or parchment

Step 2: In a large bowl, combine 3 large egg whites and 3/4 cup sugar. Place bowl over a pot of gently simmering water, and whisk constantly until sugar dissolves and egg mixture feels warm to touch, about 5 minutes.

Step 3: Remove bowl from water bath. With mixer on high, beat until very still peaks form, about 6 minutes. (Which I've actually noticed takes 8-10 minutes).

Step 4: Spoon mixture into a large freezer weight bag fitted with a star tip (or cake decorating bag - that's what I use but warning: This step is MESSY!) and pipe kisses onto baking sheets. Sprinkle with crushed candy canes. Bake until crisp throughout, about 1 hour. To cool, leave in oven with door closed about 1 hour.

Makes approx. 4 dozen

And just in case you are wondering......I am still struggling to find some sense of peace. Thank goodness for my children.

Peppermint Kisses

So......to try to keep in line with Christmas' Past, I got up this morning determined to make Kelton's favorite Christmas treat, Peppermint Kisses. They aren't hard to make and yet............it took me three go arounds to get them right. I know the recipe by heart but my head is all over the place these days and I completely messed up. The first batch was a double batch which meant 6 eggs. When it wouldn't whip up correctly, I made a single batch (3 eggs). Half way through that mixing I realized that it wasn't whole eggs....it was just supposed to be the egg WHITES. Holy cow.

Twelve eggs later.......the mix was perfect and I was ready to move to the next steps and I no longer wanted to use a kershaw blur on myself. Kidding. But still....I was close to the edge and thought that if I hadn't had two expectant little faces watching me, I would have ditched the whole project after the first disastrous results.

So...if you are lucky enough to eat one of these peppermint kisses, be incredibly grateful. This was almost the first time in 5 years I didn't make them.

A Nugget of Wisdom

Dakota emailed this to me today. She in on the email list for this place but thought this was especially good to share. I thought so to. At least, it speaks to me.

"When you realize that every part of your life is working
to bring you closer to knowing your true nature more
completely, then life can only get better."
- from The Passion Test



Life is here for your joy.

When it seems tough, relax.

Let go.

Go within and gain clarity.

Your life is on the path of ever-increasing happiness . . .

If you will allow it to unfold.

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.”

Rose F. Kennedy

Rocked

This weekend I received an email from one of my readers which really shook me. It came in late Saturday night and I have to say, it kept me awake for a while. My heart was shattered for her. Last Thursday, her husband of 13 years killed himself. Apparently he had been living in a constant state of physical pain for the past 11 years and he finally reached his breaking point.

She wrote because she said she has been impressed with my strength over the past year and that she hopes to be half as strong while she goes through her own loss.

That stunned me. I starred at the words she had written and though "Strong? Me? What is she talking about? And her loss is so huge compared to mine." But then, as I sat there thinking some more, I could start to see the similarities. While I will in no way say they are the same, there is similarities in any big loss. But I still fail to understand where people see strength in me. I feel anything BUT strong.

I wonder if you installed hidden cameras in my house if you would still see strength in me. I doubt it. I still spin easily, I still cry often, I struggle daily to face the world as a single parent......as a person who has been rejected in one of the most personal ways imaginable. Damaged.

But then I can also see where I have finally found peace in being alone. Where I crave the silence and the peace so I can hear myself think. I have discovered that I need to take care of me and not just everyone around me. I'm finally on a list of importance....my own list.....but a list. I can buy things that make ME happy and not give a thought to whether someone else will like it...or judge me for my taste. I have discovered I like a different style of clothing and I no longer dress like "just a mom".

But then........it's not all happy. The realization that I have no idea of who I really am hit me hard and without mercy on Friday when I went to the mall to pick up my last two gifts. I walked into the main mall which was bustling with moms and children. I was instantly aware of where I no longer fit. Something else that is forever gone. I am no longer a mom of young children. I no longer have someone to push in a stroller, to spend every moment of the day with. No permanent sidekick. The reality hit me so hard it took all I had to stay standing. The loss overwhelmed me.

I have lost so much in the past 12 months. The family I dreamed of and worked so hard to have, sacrificed so much for, the safety of being someones someone, my role with my children. I feel like I have been pulled under the water by a wave and I am scrambling for all I'm worth to find something solid to stand on but all there is shifting sand. I am working so hard to keep my head above the water and some moments, I am successful and others? Others not so much. And I will admit that sometimes I would be ok with the water winning. I'm not saying it's the right choice - I'm just saying I understand having a limit and being pushed beyond it.

Is that being strong? I don't know. But I do know this: I wish Linda strength as she travels the road of losing Mike. I wish her peace beyond measure as she faces this Christmas and every Christmas after because I know how hard it is to find peace in the holidays after having a loss you never imagined would happen.

Linda, I wish I could reach through and hug you. Please know you are in my thoughts. Feel free to email me any time. Maybe we can help hold each other up.

Jack the Elf

As you know from years gone by, Jack the Elf lives at our house from Thanksgiving to Christmas. He is like little hidden cameras (one of the best hidden cameras for the month of December) all over the place watching the kids and reporting back to Santa each and every night.

I'm not saying it's a perfect solution to the daily drama of childhood but it's a fun game to play. Jack hides in different places every day and does his own personal surveillance of their behavior and then goes to the North Pole every night to report to Santa. Kaylen asked if he had a tiny camera so that he could show Santa what they were doing. I had to say I didn't really know but maybe he does have a little nanny cam or something.

Yesterday when he kids came home, Kaylen stopped by to say hello to him. It was so cute. They wanted to know if he had moved over the weekend while they were gone. I said he did and that I think he was missing them.

Today, Santa's little spy is hiding on top of the entertainment center on the shoulder of a Santa decoration. I love when the kids spot him and yell out "I see him! I found Jack!"

Everyone should have an Elf on the Shelf in their house. It's such a fun tradition.

Read In Day

Today is Read In and Pajama Day at school and the kids were so excited. They both changed into the jammies they wanted to wear and loaded up their backpacks with books, stuffed friends and blankets. Kelton upped the ante by taking the beanbag chair. :)

They could not wait to get to school!

We arrived and the kids announced to everyone that it is my birthday and then, just for fun, told everyone how old I am. *sigh* I got the kids settled into their rooms and as I was starting to leave, the fire alarm sounded. Yikes. Kaylen's teacher and I looked around and quickly spotted the culprit: a toddler in his mothers arms pulled the alarm as they stood in the doorway to say goodbye to their kindergartner. The mom was horrified. I felt her pain - there but for the grace of God and all. The teacher took the kids outside and I walked over to the office to let them know where the pulled alarm was located. Needless to say, it was a blood pumping way to start the day. :)

I felt bad for all the kids standing in the field wearing nothing but their pajamas. Brrrrrrrrr. I'm sure most of the PJ clad teachers were wishing they were somewhere warm applying tanning lotions instead of shivering. I guess the silver lining is that the rain wasn't pouring down right then.

Oh - and here is something: Kaylen's teacher met me at the door yesterday to let me know that Kaylen had been rubbing her head and when asked, admitted she had a headache. Later, she complained of not being able to read the board from her seat. After asking some questions, the teacher moved her closer and she was able to see well enough. Necia, the teacher, said "I happen to have a 4pm appt Thursday with Dr. S and I can't keep it. I'll call and cancel and you call and grab it.

So - Kaylen is going to the eye doctor to get stronger lenses on Thursday. At least this pair lasted her 2 months instead of just 3 weeks. Poor girl. :(

That's about all from here today. It's bound to be a quiet day. The kids have early release but we have nothing planned other than hanging out and just being home together. And that is ok with me.

To My Babies

I'm here

Nope. I haven't given up blogging. I just gave up on trying to find something to write about and, instead, chose to pull the covers over my head. Today is the first day I haven't had massive cobwebs filling my brain but just the same, I wasn't motivated to do too much. I did end up making an eye appointment for myself (Thanks to the Lion Club) since my vision is getting increasingly worse. I also vacuumed and swept not to mention dishes, laundry, etc. I'm not a total slug.....

Wednesday is my *gulp* birthday. I hope it passes quietly because every time I think about it, I get a "kick in the gut" feeling. December used to be my favorite month of the entire year but last year and this year I mostly just want to survive it and move on. Maybe some day it won't feel like this.

Judge me if you want but thinking about this month reminds me of the emotions I had when we were doing the funeral planning for my mom. Sure, there were moments of grins and giggles but mostly it was the kick in the gut feeling. I guess loss is loss though, you know?

I need to get off my behind and start working on wrapping the kids gifts and making sure I have everything in order for the big day. I was thinking I would get it done this week while they are at school but more and more I'm thinking I will spend my weekend taking care of everything. Pull into myself, be alone, watch something on TV and wrap gifts. During the Christmas break, the kids and I are going to not plan a lot besides looking at lights and making the Christmas goodies they like. I'm going to try to keep it fun for them without it being too much for me. A delicate balance to be sure.

Tonight is our first night of getting out to look at lights. They are very excited and I have to say, I'm looking forward to sharing it with them.

Fa La La La La

Brain Dump

I am finding myself really struggling mentally and emotionally right now. I mistakenly assumed that by the time the one year mark came and went, I'd be feeling better about my lot in life. Everyone said that the first year is the hardest and technically, I have started the second year so why isn't it coming together?

Did I expect a magical date to come and set all things in my world right? To make me suddenly happy and content more times than not? Maybe I did. Maybe I had my sights set so tightly on the year mark. But then....have I gotten to the year mark yet? Is there still hope for the magic bullet? Technically, Dakota didn't move out until January. Last December was it's own special hell for me and while this year isn't painful in the same way, it's still painful.

I close my eyes and take deep breathes often in order to try to keep my happy face on for the kids. They are excited because, it is after all, Christmas. I just want it over and done with. But then, I also want to freeze time right here.

It's very confusing to be in my head these days.

But anyway.....

The kids went shopping last week with Dakota to buy gifts for me. I've already taken the kids to get Vicki and Dakota gifts. It's no easy feat to come up with gift ideas the two kids can agree upon. Kaylen was determined they both needed jewelry and kept gravitating towards anything shiny. Her future partner is bound to have a jewelry loving girl on their hands. Thankfully right now, she doesn't know the difference between diamond and cubic zirconia engagement rings but I have feeling that once she is old enough, the will know every single gem out there. Anyway, I talked her out of jewelry and she finally settled on something else. (I can't say because I think they both read this.) Kelton made a great choice on his own.

I still need to take them out to find something for each other. That is harder than you think since I don't usually have one on one time with either of them. I'll have to be creative as to how I handle this.

I have a couple more things to pick up before I am completely done. I want to be done but because of the head games I play with myself, I'm having trouble just getting it done. Thankfully a friend of mine was kind enough to let me do about 6 hours of office work to make a little extra money to fill in the gift-gap. It felt really good to be productive and help someone get work done. And picking up some extra money didn't hurt either.

Paw Prints

Kaylen has been receiving paw prints at school almost daily. Paw prints are given out at school for positive behavior and once a week there is a drawing to see which student wins a prize. Kaylen will not put her paw prints in for the drawing (she says "I won't win anyway.") and instead brings them home.

When she first started getting them, they were few and far between and to encourage her do things on her own (which is one of the reasons she is getting them - bravery) I set up a special reward: on the day when she gets a paw print, she can sleep in my bed with me.

Well now. This week she has gotten a paw print every single day. Every. Single. Day.

I'm thrilled for her because it means she is really standing up to the challenges she faces every day at school but wow! A munchkin in my bed every night is a lot. Some nights, when she is particularly restless, I will move her back to her bed (which she seems to be ok with). I figure it's either that or I will need to start reaching for the sleeping pills to get some good sleep.

Is it wrong that I hope she doesn't get one today? Yeah, I know it is. Clearly I am going to need to come up with a new reward system. Though between you and me, most times it makes me happy to roll over and see her little sleeping face next to me. :)

If You Are Only As Old As You Feel.....

...I must be 180 years old this week.

It's been an extremely rough week emotionally which equates to not enough sleep....or maybe that there just isn't enough hours to sleep. Last night I fell asleep putting the kids to bed and didn't get up until my alarm went off. Still - I crave more sleep. Sleep, I learned over the past year, is a great escape.

With all the sleep I try to get you wouldn't think I would need to read up on eye wrinkle cream reviews but you'd be wrong. On a good day, I still look like I have bags under my eyes. And my laugh lines? We really don't want to go there. :)

I'll be 46 in 13 days and today? Today I am feeling each and every one of those years....plus about 50 more.

Energy

or lack thereof.

I'm exhausted these days. I've started taking all the vitamins again in the hopes that they will help. I sleep though probably not nearly enough as I need. I sneak in naps when I just can't function any longer. I take all my prescriptions as prescribed. I try to breathe and just take it moment by moment.

And yet I could use a miracle protein powder to boost my energy. Then maybe the floors would get attended to more frequently and the deeper cleaning would get done. As it is, I do what I need to do to skate by. I will actually Swiffer the dining room table when I can draw pictures in the layer of dust. The laundry and dishes are always caught up and beds are made every day.

But am I jumping up and down with an excess of energy? Hardly. My to do list seems daunting and yet...here it is, December 1st. As every mommy knows, this is a busy month. So here's hoping I have the energy to get it all done.

Wild Week

It's been a wild week since I last posted. Kelton had a 24 hour bug that kept him home Monday and Tuesday. Kaylen came down with it Tuesday-Wednesday and Marlene and I came down with it Thursday-Friday. Yep, you read that right. Over Thanksgiving.

Our Thanksgiving feast consisted of jello, ginger ale and crackers. At least there weren't any dishes to do. :) (And a BIG shout out to Cande who ran to the store to pick up stuff for us. Thank you!!!!!)

The kids were picked up around 2:30PM Thursday for a long weekend with Dakota and Vicki which meant I could finally go back to bed and sleep for a while. I felt much better when I woke and by morning I was "cautiously optimistic" that that worst was over. I slept in Friday but Marlene went out and about to hit the 4AM sales. She wandered home around 10 and then we went out and had breakfast before running a few errands and ending up at her ex's house to hang out for the rest of the day.

Saturday Marlene went to a family birthday party that I wasn't up for attending. I will just share that it was hard to be away from my kids for the holiday and especially for all those days. It was the longest time span I have EVER been away from them. Family time with someone else's family just felt too hard to face right then. I stayed behind, hung out with a friend and worked on my Christmas cards.

I got the phone call that Kaylen's first tooth had finally come out. It was incredibly bittersweet for me. I was sooooo happy for her but sooooo sad for myself. It was the very first milestone of childhood that I have missed with my kids. I couldn't help going back and forth between sadness and anger at having missed it. Yeah yeah - it could have fallen out anywhere but it didn't and I missed it. If you are a mom who has been there for all the milestone, you know what I am talking about. A crushing blow but there is nothing to do about it. That's life.

That evening we hung out again with a friend and a good time was had by all. We stayed up too late and laughed too hard but it was all good.

Sunday we opted to have a sleep in day and I didn't get up and moving until after noon. The kids were due back around 2PM so I got up, got things in order and said goodbye to Marlene so the kids and I could have some much needed together time.

It was amazing to see them at the door! I swear they each grew an inch! We spent hours catching up, cuddling and hearing all about their fun weekend adventures.

It is sooooooo good to have my babies back with me.

Nothing Says Holidays Like.....

...sick children. Kelton woke up at 4 this morning complaining that his tummy hurt. He had a few go arounds in the bathroom, took a warm bath thinking that would help and finally crawled in next to me (I had Kaylen on the other side because she woke up unhappy about her stuffy nose).

I started trying to figure out how the day would work. Clearly Kelton needed to stay home but how could I get Kaylen to school and deal with her lunch issue, etc. I just didn't know how it would work. I talked calmly to Kaylen and touched on "I need to stay and take care of Kelton so I can't come to lunch today but I can find someone to be with you." No dice. She became hell bent on not going to school.

I started spinning lots of ideas in my head but none would work. Hmmmm.....I really wanted her to go to school. I decided to call Dakota and trouble shoot. Usually she doesn't work Monday but since it's a holiday week, she is working today. (Of course.) We kicked around some ideas and finally came to the decision that Kaylen would go this morning and I will bring her home at lunch time. I just can't be in two places at the same time.

I got Kaylen ready for school and took her over. I left my sick Kelton at home for the 10 minutes it took me to take her over and drop her off. I got her settled and came home and called Kelton's name. I left him on the couch but he wasn't there. He had gone into my room to snuggle in my bed and watch TV. I walked into the room and was greeted with a little boy, sitting upright, with a lap full of puke.

No. Way.

Ugh.

I got him cleaned up and took the comforter, cover and towels to the laundry room. Sadly, my comforter is very difficult to wash and dry here which I know because Friday the kitten peed on my bed twice (on BOTH of my comforters though he is off the hook. We had a vet appt for him anyway so they ran his urine and found he had a UTI. He is now on antibiotics and is back to using the litterbox) and the kids and I spent Friday evening at the laundromat.

I have remade my bed, added extra protection coverings and gave him a barf bowl. It's going to be an interesting day.

I'm hoping like crazy Kaylen doesn't catch it. Or my sister, brother in law, niece or nephew (who was here visiting us for the weekend).

The good news about today? It's supposed to SNOW! I love snow days. I love being snowed in with my kids and just having fun. There is something magical about snow days.

I have pictures and adventure stories of the weekend to share once I get things downloaded. I will tell you that we had a great weekend that was packed with fun and excitement. The kids and I were completely and utterly exhausted last night which resulted in a massive meltdown by Kelton over various things that broke my heart. I can't help but wonder if some of it wasn't fueled by over tiredness as well as starting to get sick. My poor buddy. I hope he is better soon......it will suck to be sick and miss out on the snow play if the snow arrives as scheduled.

Ho Ho Ho

If you haven't noticed by now, I am skipping over Thanksgiving completely and just moving forward into an elongated Christmas season. The kids will be with Dakota and her side of their family for Thanksgiving so I figured we could spend more time in the Christmas spirit. Or something like that.

Yesterday Groupon had a great deal for Santa pictures at a local mall so I clicked "buy" and today the kids and I ventured out to get our annual Santa photo. They were very excited and had a great time visiting Santa.

The Trimming of the Tree

Random Ramblings on a Monday Night

I have nothing specific to entertain you with tonight but heck - I'm sitting here so I may as well blog about *something*. The holidays are coming, which I'm sure you all know but in case you didn't yet realize it, there it is. They are coming.

I am so not ready.

The house is semi-decorated for Christmas (Don't judge. Thanksgiving is a holiday that just isn't a big deal to me. Never has been.) Inside, all that is left is the tree which the kids would like to put up tomorrow. I'm pushing for Wednesday but we'll see how it plays out. I don't so much care as long as there is time to enjoy doing it together. I will have to get egg nog though as Kelton sees that as a critical part of tree decorating. :)

The outside decorations still need to be dealt with but I have a week before I really have to break out the best acne product to deal with my stress acne over decorating so as to keep the kids Christmas intact.

I finally got some gift ideas from Kelton so I need to squeeze in some child-free shopping. It's going to be a lean Christmas but that's life and I'm sure a lot of us are in the same place. I've been squirreling away funds from here and there so hopefully there will be enough to let Santa do his thing.

Kaylen and I both need haircuts this weeks. I can still cut Kelton's hair at home but Kaylen's is tricky (it's straighter) and well...I have yet to be able to cut my own hair without looking mighty frightening.

So much to do and never enough time to do it. Such is life, I suppose. But for now? It's time to hit the pillows and get some much needed sleep. Good night.

Decked the Halls

It was bittersweet but thanks to Marlene, it was more sweet than bitter.

But wow! I was in a piss poor state of mind when I packed stuff away last year (hmmm...wonder why.) Things were seriously just thrown into boxes instead of carefully packed away. Oh well.....very little damaged so it's all good. :)

Love and Logic

I have been given the amazing opportunity to take a 7 week course in Love and Logic (thank you, Dakota, for bouncing around your night with the kids for these 7 weeks). I've been wanting to take this class for years now but until this year, the timing never worked out. Last night was week 4 and I have to say, I am really enjoying it. Marlene is taking it with me with the thought that it will allow us to be on the same page when it comes to dealing with the kids. I think that is vital when you merge kids and parents who are being raised/raising differently and have different life values. It's tough on the best of days.

Anyway, after class last night I stayed after and talked with the counselors who are facilitating the class to see how I can hand over the ownership to Kaylen for some of her issues (one of the premises is having kids own their own "stuff" instead of parents owning it for them which allows them to develop the life skills they need to be successful people). After getting a run down on Kaylen they looked at each other and said "You can't. She can't take responsibility for getting herself through this because it's not willful behavior. It's medical and mental and that isn't her fault." They talked with me a while longer and praised me for doing all I am doing to get her through what she is going through and really praised me for doing that things I know I need to push her through even though it breaks my heart because I doing what is in her best interest. They were impressed with how far she has come in such a short amount of time. They are hopeful that she will be able to tackle the day alone by the end of Christmas break.

It's so nice to have counselors, whose schools are based on the love and logic formula, tell me I am doing a good job. The other thing I am relieved about is that the basis of my parenting has always been Love and Logic. Instinctively. I have tweaking I can do but really? The ground work is already there from my 8 years of parenting.

I'm doing a good job. And right now? It's great to have that validation.

Ding Dong the Computer is Dead

I got a call last night from the computer repair guy and, as is the case these days, more bad news was given to me. He ran the 6 hour diagnostics on it twice and came up with nothing but every time he runs Windows, it shuts down immediately. He has spent three days working on it and, as he said, is completely befuddled by what it is doing. He has changed out everything but the processor and it still isn't working. And yes, even the power supply.

Wonderful.

Thankfully he backed up all the data so all my photos, resumes, etc. are saved. I have an XP CPU in the garage that my brother got back up and running after our last computer crisis (pre-computer guy and the Geek Squad couldn't fix it). It's been out there for a few years so the computer guy said he will come over and see about getting it up and running for us. Hopefully that will work. Otherwise, we will be down to just the laptop because there is no way I can afford to get a new CPU at this point.

Last week I got the news that my car is in need of about $500 worth of repairs. I swear to you - it's always something. I so much need life to settle down and feel good again for more than a few hours here and there in any given week. I want to feel happy more often than I feel scared, lost and alone. I want to feel safe more often than not. I want my life to be predictable and boring again. Right now, boring sounds like heaven.

Some day. Some day everything will be ok. I have to believe that. I just have to.

Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

I stole this from one of my blog-buddies. She and I are standing in just about the same place and I think this song does a great job of speaking to the journey we are on: we're waiting for our real lives to begin.

Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip!

I didn't really need further proof that I am losing my mind but just in case any of you did, I offer up Exhibit A: Zip. Zip is a 2 month old male tabby that the kids fell head over heels in love with this weekend and who now is shaking up life at home.




I haven't seen Kelton this happy in such a long time. The look of his face as we walked towards the car yesterday with the kitten was priceless. He stopped dead in his tracks, looked up and me and gave me the sweetest, heart-melting smile I have ever seen from him followed by "Thank you, Mom. This is the best day EVER. I will never forget this moment.". That moment of pure joy from my boy who spends a lot of his time being sad was worth everything.

Kelton cannot leave Zip alone. He made him a bed to keep him near him on the couch. He learned to "scruff carry" Zip so he won't get scratched. He talks so sweetly to his "baby cat" that I swear to you, I melt. He wrapped Zip up in a blanket and kept him with him for hours. The excitement in his voice is something you have to hear to believe. He is so excited to have a pet that is his "from the time he is a baby until he dies". All our other pets were full grown by the time the kids came along. The reality of having their very own "baby animal" has without a doubt, brought real happiness to them. It's a pure happiness I haven't felt from them in over a year.

Did I want another cat? Not really. We did just lose Lucy a month ago but as far as animals go, a cat will slide easily into the kids and my life. We still have Dallas and Andi and really? It's not such a big leap to take the cat count back up one more. And well....he sure is sweet. But mostly? There is nothing I wouldn't do to bring happiness back into my kids lives and to let them have a pet that doesn't remind them of life before the divorce seems like an easy enough thing to do for them when they wanted it with all their little hearts.

Now if I can just recall all my kittenhood stuff. It's been at least 13 years since I've had a kitten in the house. Maybe tomorrow, in between hunting for any and every job (including accounting jobs), I'll hit Google up for kitten training tips. :)

Changes

I can feel the winds of change coming. Again. Just in case I ever start feel too comfortable and safe in the world the "winds of upset" are there to remind me that I am not safe and I am not to get too comfortable with feeling safe. I don't recall the last time I felt safe for more than a day or two -though I am sure it's been years.

One thing that will really help is if I could land a job and bring in my own money. Money might not buy happiness but it does buy freedom. I've thought about looking into a medical assistance program or something like that. Maybe one of those colleges where you can attend in your pajamas (oh come on - I know you've seen the ads). Online classes might be a good thing to look into to give me some new skills.

I've run the numbers and if I could even land a decent paying part time job (30 hours a week) I could probably make it ok. Not great, but ok. It's hard when you don't feel safe in your own life. Every day it's like waiting for a shoe to drop and that's not a fun way to live. So no, money might not buy happiness but it sure does help.

In Need of Fits of Giggles

I'm in the mood to have my spirits lifted. (Cande? Do you hear me? That's a challenge, babe.) So, everyone, bring over all your karaoke machines and let's get down and get funky. I, of course, won't be singing but I will be sitting in the corner of the room laughing at all of you and that is the goal I am after. Laughing.

I want to laugh. I want to push all the adult stuff far, far from my thoughts and just laugh and have fun.

Maybe I should start of joke of the day challenge. Let's see who can make me laugh.

Homework Time

Homework time stresses me out a little and it's not even ME doing the homework. I think, more than anything, it's the constant "Time to do homework!" line I feel I say a hundred times a day. Followed quickly by "Nope. Not until your homework is done." line.

It's not really hard. Kaylen has 20 minutes of reading to do and Kelton has 20 minutes of reading, spelling words to write and a handful of math problems. All told, it takes about 30 minutes which is exactly where he should be (10 minutes for each grade level). For a long while he was great about coming home and settling right in to work but lately he has been playing the "I need a break. How about if I start in 10 minutes?" which stretches into "How about 5 more minutes?" until I am ready to break out in head to tow body acne from the stress of his negotiation tactics.

I set the timer and even after it rings, he tries to work me. I don't budge but I am sooooooo tired of the begging and trying to get out of doing the work.

And of course, what big brother does, so does little sister.

Sometimes I want to sign off their homework charts just to be done with it but I don't. It's all about being a parent. Not a fun part but a part, none the less.

It's been a day

A very long day. Thank goodness it was early release from school though or it would have been even longer. Kaylen had an unexpected substitute today which threw an already precarious day right out the window. It was one of those days when the pain in her eyes was almost more than I could bear. If you all only knew how much anguish this child is in because she is different from other people in that she can't seem to just roll with the tide, I'm sure it would break your heart like it does mine.

So close to "normal" and yet.....so very far from it. And my wicked-smart girl knows it. That, my friends, is what makes it even more heartbreaking than it otherwise might be.

I spent the day in the classroom; leaving only when it was time for activities that took her to people she has grown accustomed to (PE and Music). I'm pretty sure I would have rather been doing anything else today than making turkey art projects (and by anything I mean even researching hair loss shampoos for the fun of it!).

Anyway - on top of various things that are throwing her for a loop, the poor thing is cutting six, yes six, teeth. No wonder her mouth hurts and no wonder she is complaining of pain from her ear to her jaw.

I opened her mouth for a good look when she complained of pain again for the second day and low and behold, she has 4 molars coming in AND her bottom two permanent teeth are coming in behind her not very loose two baby teeth. YIKES!

Clearly I am going to need to check the stash of Tylenol. Poor thing.

My Weekend

I guess actually I should start with Thursday. Thursday night Dakota and I took the kids to see Disney on Ice. It was AMAZING! I sat next to Kaylen and she was so swept away by it all that I actually had tears in my eyes from her excitement. It was truly an experience I will never forget....and I hope neither will the kids. It was a late night though, that's for sure. I finally had the kids home and asleep by 10:30. Well worth it though for memories that will hopefully last a lifetime!






Then, this past weekend the kids were with Dakota so I got to put aside my mommy job for a couple of days and I got to be a grown up doing grown up things. I tell you, the newness of not being "on" with the kids 24/7 is something I am still getting used to. I have my moments of completely enjoying it and then other moments when I miss them so much I think my heart will break. It's weird.

But..instead of focusing on the part that hurt to have them away, I will focus on the being "just Casey" part because that has some really good moments.

Friday was Trunk or Treat at school so while Dakota, Vicki and the kids set up Dakota's trunk with decorations and handed out candy to kids, I played the PTO role and then I took Kaylen around to all the cars (a friend she was hoping to meet up with didn't show up and she was so sad and didn't want to trick or treat without her. I got her going around and then we picked up another friend of hers to take with us the rest of the way which turned it from a tearful event to a fun one for Kaylen. Kelton, of course, rocked the trick or treating from beginning to end without an issue.

Once that event was over and the kids were on their way with Dakota, Marlene and I just hung out, watched TV and eventually went to sleep. I was exhausted from the past 24 hours. We had thought about going hot tubbing but when push came to shove, I was just too tired.

Saturday we went to Andrew's soccer game. Half way through the rain started falling hard so I packed up and waited out the rest of the game in the car. Sitting in the cold rain is not my idea of a good time. After the game, we wandered around a few shops, had lunch, went to Costco and then came back here to build a new bookcase that Marlene bought for me from Ikea. I LOVE IT!

It didn't take long to build but long enough that there wasn't time to move stuff around in my bedroom and set it up. We did, after all, have plans for dinner and drinks with our friend, Cande. We headed over to her house, picked her up and then went and saw Life as We Know It....which was a really, really good movie (and no, Cande, I won't say that you cried. That secret is safe with me. Hee hee.). After it was over, we headed downtown to Top Shelf for some martinis.

Half way through our first (well...only) martini, Cande got a text and then a phone call from her husband. He was having trouble breathing so we settled up the bill and drove her home. As we turned off her block, we saw the ambulance coming so we turned around and waited to see how it would play out and what we could do to help.

The ended up taking her husband to the hospital (where he stayed until last night) but he is ok. We stayed with Cande while she called people (John's sister went to the hospital with him since Cande has two young children.). Then we talked about anything and everything under the sun (like does lipofuze work?) to pass the time. We headed home around midnight. Not the best way to end an evening out but I'm glad we were there to help her.

Sunday we headed out and had breakfast at a new cafe we found and then come back here to shift around my bedroom and set up the new bookshelf. It looks AWESOME!!!! I was able to take the stacks of books I had on my night stand and dresser and put them someplace where they look good and I was able to get out some other special things and give them a home as well. I LOVE the way it has changed the look of my room. What an amazing gift - thank you, Marlene!!! :)




It wasn't long before Marlene needed to leave to pick up Andrew and take him trick or treating with her side of the family and I waited for my munchkins to come home to go trick or treating as well. It was a really good weekend but I am always happy when my babies come back home.

Family Photos

Friday I took the kids in for family photos. At first I had thought I would just get shots of the two of them but then I got to thinking it would be nice to have pictures of the three of us. I found a great coupon and was able to get a really awesome deal on a package so, dear family members of mine, one of these will most likely end up being your Christmas gifts. :)

Sometimes taking the kids in for photos is as much fun as say....a colon cleansing (necessary but not all that much fun) but this time went really well. One of the poses Kelton created himself and I have to say, it turned out quite well. :)

Check them out:

Dreaming

I can easily spend hours lost in daydreams - especially when the house is quiet and my thoughts are all my own. I dream of redecorating.....of moving walls to make rooms bigger, changing the garage into a family room, painting all the brown trim white and getting new kitchen appliances and Kohler kitchen faucets. I like to think about things I would do if I were to win a $50,000 home makeover contest (and yes, I enter them whenever I can) or get caught by that new home show that walks up to people in Home Depot and foots the bill for a dream renovation of a single room.

But....dreaming is all I can do (unless I win a contest) at this point and that is ok with me. At least I have dreams to dream, right?

Looking Back in Time

I was in the garage searching for some thing the other day and I came across the keepsake bins I have for the kids. Being the highly emotionally-based person that I am, I kept tons of things from their baby days; special toys and books, jars of the first food they ate, one of their newborn diapers (unused, of course. I'm not *that* sentimental), binkies and a bunch of their adorable teeny tiny baby clothes.

My heart lurches whenever I go through their boxes of things. How could they have been that small? I can remember how they looked in each outfit as vividly as they days when they wore them. Tiny blue pajamas, pink blankets, Kaylen's first dress, the summer clothes Kelton wore when we first moved here and it was hotter than heck. Oh how it all makes me long for those days.

I want a do over. I want to go back to when Kelton was first born and really enjoy each and every moment. If only I could rewind time.

I love the children they are now but I long for those days of holding a tiny baby in my arms. The sleepless nights? I don't so much miss those but I'd even go back and live through those again if I could hold my teeny babies again.

*sigh*

Sugar Overload

"Can I have more candy?" It's a line that has been said many, many times today. I know I am probably unlike most parents but I usually let the kids go wild with their candy for the first two days and then I start to ration it. If I play my cards right, the candy will last until the onslaught of Christmas candy arrives. I don't mind the sugared up kids as long as we are going to be staying home but I do often wonder if their reaction to all that sugar is akin to some diet pill side effects. The jitters, the waaaaaay too high of energy level, the lack of being able to focus for very long on one thing before flitting to another. I know all you moms of sugared up kids know what I'm talking about. :)

I have to admit though - they aren't the only ones on overload. I've pillaged my fair share of Snickers Bars today, too. :)

Halloween 2010

Halloween 2010 is officially behind us and the only reminders are bags of candy, sugared up kids and decorations that need to be put away. I usually would have done that today (because, after all, Christmas decorations come out in two weeks. Don't judge. You decorate when you want to and I will decorate when I want to. *grin*) but instead, the kids took the day off from school and we all just hung out together.

For a sensory child who lives in overload right now, last night was a lot. Trunk or Treat Friday night was a lot (and both nights had many tearful moments). But the deciding factor was there was a morning sub in her class today and that means chaos for me and even more overload and craziness for Kaylen. I just couldn't do it to her. So instead of swapping stories with teachers and my other school friends about costumes we saw last night (including a neighbor boy dressed to the nines as a sheriff. Chaps and riding boots really topped it off.), the kids and I snuggled in my bed and watched The Disney Channel and enjoyed some much needed down time.

A totally great way to start a new month!