Dancing on the Edge

Questions and Answers and Learning Way More About Me Than You Ever Wanted

On my Moms To Babies listserve group today, I posed the questions "What do you think makes a good stay at home mom (SAHM)?" and "If you are a work outside the home mom (WOHM) and money wasn't an issue, would you want to stay home? Why or why not?"

This was in response to a thread I was watching unfold whereby people were saying that they were not stay at home material. By asking the questions I did, I think I was trying to figure out what people think it takes to be a good stay at home parent. Maybe I wanted to measure myself against the criteria of others - a reality check to be sure I was actually a good stay at home mom. I don't really know. I just kept reading things that said, in essence, "I need to work because I'm not SAH material." I just wanted to know others definition of "SAH material".

Someone responded with their input and then asked me if I thought I was a good stay at home mom and then asked me "If money weren't an object, would you
want to work outside the home?"

Here is my response:
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I'm happy to answer. Do I think I'm a good SAHM? Most days, yes. I think I'm a really good SAHM. I love being with my kids and doing things with them. I love reading stories and making up games. I love teaching them everything they know. I love knowing what they are doing each and every second of their day. I love having complete and absolute say over every aspect of their lives - from what they eat, watch on TV, the amount of fresh air they get to who they spend time with. I love knowing that my morals, beliefs and values are the ones they are in contact with 100% of the time during these incredibly informative years. I love that I am the one answering all their questions about everything (which I'm finding really important with Kelton right now since he has been asking about where babies come from, why men can't have babies, dying, war, etc).

Is being a SAHM what I thought it would be? No. It isn't. It is SO much harder than I ever dreamed. It is also the best thing I have ever done. When I look at the incredible human beings my babies are turning into I am in complete awe that I am the one who is hugely responsible for it.

As for working outside the home, I will honestly tell you that no, it is not what I want to be doing. I would not be good at it anymore because I would be too worried and too focused on my children being in the care of someone else. Now I know that isn't true for others and I certainly am NOT implying anything negative to anyone who isn't a SAH-Parent. I just know it's true for me. Outside of Dakota, there is absolutely no one on this earth that I would trust to care for my children. No one. Maybe that makes me a control freak but considering the things that happened in my life, things that I am determined not to let happen to my children, that is just how it is for me.

I think it's great when parents know they aren't meant to be at home fulltime with their kids, when they know they are better parents when they work at a paying job. Dakota, for instance, could never be a SAHM. Being with the kids for the limited amount of hours she is, is very challenging for her. She does not have the high level of patience that is required. She loves to play with them but gets very frustrated with the rest of it. She has an impossible time working in kid time (which is radically different than adult time) and I know (and she agrees) that she can't wait until Monday morning rolls around and she can escape to work. That said, she is still a good parent. We all do the best we can and we are all the best parents we can be.

Now all this being true, I know I am not a perfect SAHM. I have bad days when I question why we had kids and why I am at home with them. Not unlike the bad days at work when I questioned why I was there and why didn't I quit. I also know that I am less than the parent I want to be once dinner time rolls around. I'm tired, lonely and running very short on patience and still have hours and hours of solo parenting ahead of me (and I'm not sure I count Dakota coming home at 10:30pm and leaving at 5:30 the next morning as a stop-gap in the solo parenting part. Sure - she is there if Kelton wakes up at night but I'm still on all night with Kaylen.) . I didn't sign up to be a parent alone day in and day out so yeah, I get really frustrated that it often feels like I'm in this parenting thing alone way too much of the time. But life is what it is and I know it won't always be like this.

BUT...long (very long!) story short: Yes, I do feel like I am a good stay at home mom and there is nowhere else on earth I would rather be than with my kids day in and day out.
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So there you have it. I am exactly where I want to be and I think I'm a good stay at home mom. Even on the really hard days. :)