Monday, August 16, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Autumn is Coming
The leaves are beginning to fall from trees in the neighborhood and almost everyone's grass is a lovely shade of brown (or nearly so). I stopped in at a store today and saw rack upon rack of winter coats and clothes. At another store I found row upon row of autumn decorations and yes, even some Halloween stuff.
Autumn is coming. There is no stopping it.
This used to be my favorite time of the year. The ads would start to be filled with winter clothes, the back to school rows would make me almost giddy. I would already be planning when I would haul out the autumn decorations from the attic (which frankly causes my panic for a whole other reason) so the kids and I could decorate.
Not this year. This year? Today it caused an all out anxiety attack. Autumn. How can it be coming so quickly?
Months ago when I dared to peek down as far as September, I saw things much differently than they are right now. Last year at this time? I never would have guessed where I would be today.
The changing seasons have brought fear and panic and this one is no different....except the intensity it building.
How could a season I enjoyed so much in years gone by strike terror in the here and now?
Autumn is coming. There is no stopping it.
This used to be my favorite time of the year. The ads would start to be filled with winter clothes, the back to school rows would make me almost giddy. I would already be planning when I would haul out the autumn decorations from the attic (which frankly causes my panic for a whole other reason) so the kids and I could decorate.
Not this year. This year? Today it caused an all out anxiety attack. Autumn. How can it be coming so quickly?
Months ago when I dared to peek down as far as September, I saw things much differently than they are right now. Last year at this time? I never would have guessed where I would be today.
The changing seasons have brought fear and panic and this one is no different....except the intensity it building.
How could a season I enjoyed so much in years gone by strike terror in the here and now?
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Still here
It's been a long strange day but I have made it to the other end in (mostly) one piece. I was lucky enough to end an incredibly emotional day (Kelton is having trouble dealing with some things), by Marlene taking me out to dinner at Beaches. After our meal, we had a nice walk along the river and then parked ourselves on a bench to watch the sun go down and talk about all the things you talk about at the beginning of a relationship. Not always easy conversations to have but necessary especially considering all there is to consider at this point in life. Damages done to us by other people, trust issues, children, dreams, etc. The list of things to talk about and come to agreements on is long and so, so, so much more important than the things I had to talk about in my 20's. Then, I had nothing to lose in the game of love and jumping without looking was fine - and worked well at the time.
This time; I have everything to lose and all things take special consideration and compromise....and time.
But, in the long run, I think it will be time well spent.
This time; I have everything to lose and all things take special consideration and compromise....and time.
But, in the long run, I think it will be time well spent.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Wednesday
After talking with the kids today about what special thing we could do today that wouldn't cost an arm and a leg they decided they wanted to go swimming. I, however, did not. I am lacking the energy and focus to keep them safe in a public pool that is overflowing with children and adults. We came up with a Plan B: Chuck E Cheese. To be fair, swimming would have cost $14 and I could get them 100 tokens for $15 at the house of the mouse (or is he a rat?).
I don't buy food there. It's way to expensive for what it is so we eat before going and then again when we get back.
It's amazing how quickly children can move when they are motivated. They were dressed, beds made, teeth brushed and the house straightened up in record time.
They had a great time working together to earn as many tickets as possible. They were happy, laughing and glowing with all the magic and fun of childhood. Those are the moments that make it all worth it.
I love these kids more than anything in this world....or the universe....or whatever is beyond. They are the light of my life and the reason my heart beats.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I have a dream....
...and right now, this thought is the only thing keeping me going. I keep visualizing myself sitting here...
....listening to the surf crash on the shore. The breeze blowing. The seagulls singing their song. And me. Alone. A blanket around me to ward off the chill that is always on the coast, a book in my hands that can transport me to another world when this one gets to be too much.
Alone. Alone with my thoughts. No one for whom I need, or feel like I should, put on a happy face. No "have to's" or "should's". No fitting in anything someone else wants to do. No one around who will judge me for my sadness and my feelings of being alone even when I am surrounded by people who love me. A place of quiet where I can regroup, recharge and find my footing on the ever changing sand.
Dramatic? Maybe so. But you know, even being away from that judgement would be good. Why is it considered dramatic to need time and space to come to grips with changes and whatnot. Let's be honest, I haven't have space and time to really do that. And I am feeling the strain of not having that.
Sucky Summer Parent
For the first year since Kelton was three, I have sucked at having the kids work in their summer "school books". I bought the books. I started out strong. But then. Oh but then. *sigh* "I don't want to do it now. Can I do it later today?" turned quickly into "tomorrow" and then.......I just let it slide. I was busy searching for jobs and trying to keep my head above water. My worries, stress and anxiety consumed me and I opted to just let the kids do as they pleased - which I can justify 7 ways to Sunday. They are kids, after all. This will be the last summer they are home with me just being kids. Next summer will be a whole new game for us.
So if the kids fall behind this year in school it will all be on me. My fault. Because as a summer parent, I sucked this year. Apparently I couldn't have them do 15 minutes of school work on a daily basis. Apparently that was just too much for me.
Such is life these days.
So if the kids fall behind this year in school it will all be on me. My fault. Because as a summer parent, I sucked this year. Apparently I couldn't have them do 15 minutes of school work on a daily basis. Apparently that was just too much for me.
Such is life these days.
Monday, August 09, 2010
What a Pain
It's been a long day. Not in the sense that the kids made it seem long but more in the sense that I haven't been feeling all that hot.
I woke, after 11.5 hours of desperately needed sleep, with a massive headache and weird visual disturbances which I attributed to an active weekend and the change in spinal pressure. My back and hips had been bothering me since midway on the hike Saturday so I figured I would have some backlash from the day of adventure. No biggie. Happens all the time. Once the visual stuff calmed down, I decided to take the kids to see Ramona and Beezus and I have to say, I really enjoyed the movie. Kelton gave it an 8.5 but Kaylen and I both gave it two thumbs up.
Midway through the movie I began to notice that my pain level was increasing. No biggie. I'd pop Motrin when I got home. By the time we got home though I really wasn't feeling great. I took care of applying for jobs, took care of the kids and dogs and then told the kids I was going to lay down for a bit to rest.
As plans often do when I need desperately to have some down time, the children decided to have a few meltdowns. I took care of those and then crawled under my covers and fell asleep.
Marlene stopped by after work, took one look at me, and decided to take the kids out for a bit so I could sleep. They returned 90 minutes later with Burgerville dinner for me, Burger King for Kelton and McDonalds for Kaylen (think we are spoiled much?) and a bunch of dollar store treasures.
I stayed in bed the rest of the evening and then got up to send Marlene home and to put the kids to bed. And now it's my turn. I'm waiting for the Motrin to dull the body aches and joint pain and then I am falling back to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
I woke, after 11.5 hours of desperately needed sleep, with a massive headache and weird visual disturbances which I attributed to an active weekend and the change in spinal pressure. My back and hips had been bothering me since midway on the hike Saturday so I figured I would have some backlash from the day of adventure. No biggie. Happens all the time. Once the visual stuff calmed down, I decided to take the kids to see Ramona and Beezus and I have to say, I really enjoyed the movie. Kelton gave it an 8.5 but Kaylen and I both gave it two thumbs up.
Midway through the movie I began to notice that my pain level was increasing. No biggie. I'd pop Motrin when I got home. By the time we got home though I really wasn't feeling great. I took care of applying for jobs, took care of the kids and dogs and then told the kids I was going to lay down for a bit to rest.
As plans often do when I need desperately to have some down time, the children decided to have a few meltdowns. I took care of those and then crawled under my covers and fell asleep.
Marlene stopped by after work, took one look at me, and decided to take the kids out for a bit so I could sleep. They returned 90 minutes later with Burgerville dinner for me, Burger King for Kelton and McDonalds for Kaylen (think we are spoiled much?) and a bunch of dollar store treasures.
I stayed in bed the rest of the evening and then got up to send Marlene home and to put the kids to bed. And now it's my turn. I'm waiting for the Motrin to dull the body aches and joint pain and then I am falling back to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
What a Weekend!
I had a really good weekend with my family and, as a result, I have a bunch of photos to share. We headed up north late in the day on Thursday and arrived at James and Cara's house in time for a quick dinner and then bedtime for the kids. We planned it that way so that we had all day Friday to hang out with James and Cara and then all day Saturday to hang out with Lannon and Arne and all sorts of family members.
Friday brought adventures by the boatload and the first was picking up a rental minivan so that all seven us could travel together. From there, we headed into the mountains. First stop was an old mining cave where everyone but me grabbed flashlights and headed in to explore. Why not me? Because I don't do well in enclosed spaces. They were happy, wet, muddy messes when they emerged. :)
From there we headed to Big Four for a picnic lunch and a bit of run around time. The view was amazing and as the clouds parted it became downright warm.
From there we headed further into the forest and parked at what is now a trail head but when we were kids was the road into one of our family's favorite camping locations: Twin Bridges.
We started walking and was met with sign after sign warning of danger ahead. The river flooded a few years back and washed away parts of the road and bridge #1 and completely shifted the river bed. The camping sites (two of them) were completely destroyed. The only way to access the area and Monte Cristo (an old mining down) is by hiking in. (As children, we backpacked from Monte Cristo up the mountain to Silver Lake)
It was a really good, but long, hike. And I have to say, it was surreal to be back at a place where I spent so much time as a child. I swear, when I closed my eyes I could hear the 5 of us as children, playing in the river, catching frogs while my dad was up river fly fishing and my mom was at the campsite working on word search puzzles. For a brief moment in time, I was a child, safe with my parents and my siblings.
We headed out as the day was getting late. We had planned to go to the Ice Caves but decided to table that for another time. Instead we headed back down the mountain to swap the rental car for our own cars and head to the Stanwood-Camano Island Fair. The kids were beside themselves with excitement.
After all that fun, James needed to have a massage.
It was 9pm when we headed back to James and Cara's house but the night wasn't over yet. There was still hot tubbing to be done. After about 15 minutes we put three very tired kids to bed so that we could get up again and have another fun filled day.
The next morning we headed over to Lannon's where we spent the day with family and celebrated Parker's 5th Birthday and Lannon's 48th birthday. It was a drizzly day so the fun had to be mostly inside but we all had a good time. My nephew, Patrick, and his fiance were there and it's been years and years since I have seen him. It was a really good day and much laughter was shared.
It was quite the big weekend which I can tell for sure since Kelton and Kaylen were asleep by 7:45 last night and I was asleep by 8pm.
It was the perfect weekend and really allowed me to leave the stresses of my life behind for a few days and just live in the moment. It was just what I needed!
Friday brought adventures by the boatload and the first was picking up a rental minivan so that all seven us could travel together. From there, we headed into the mountains. First stop was an old mining cave where everyone but me grabbed flashlights and headed in to explore. Why not me? Because I don't do well in enclosed spaces. They were happy, wet, muddy messes when they emerged. :)
From there we headed to Big Four for a picnic lunch and a bit of run around time. The view was amazing and as the clouds parted it became downright warm.
From there we headed further into the forest and parked at what is now a trail head but when we were kids was the road into one of our family's favorite camping locations: Twin Bridges.
We started walking and was met with sign after sign warning of danger ahead. The river flooded a few years back and washed away parts of the road and bridge #1 and completely shifted the river bed. The camping sites (two of them) were completely destroyed. The only way to access the area and Monte Cristo (an old mining down) is by hiking in. (As children, we backpacked from Monte Cristo up the mountain to Silver Lake)
It was a really good, but long, hike. And I have to say, it was surreal to be back at a place where I spent so much time as a child. I swear, when I closed my eyes I could hear the 5 of us as children, playing in the river, catching frogs while my dad was up river fly fishing and my mom was at the campsite working on word search puzzles. For a brief moment in time, I was a child, safe with my parents and my siblings.
We headed out as the day was getting late. We had planned to go to the Ice Caves but decided to table that for another time. Instead we headed back down the mountain to swap the rental car for our own cars and head to the Stanwood-Camano Island Fair. The kids were beside themselves with excitement.
After all that fun, James needed to have a massage.
It was 9pm when we headed back to James and Cara's house but the night wasn't over yet. There was still hot tubbing to be done. After about 15 minutes we put three very tired kids to bed so that we could get up again and have another fun filled day.
The next morning we headed over to Lannon's where we spent the day with family and celebrated Parker's 5th Birthday and Lannon's 48th birthday. It was a drizzly day so the fun had to be mostly inside but we all had a good time. My nephew, Patrick, and his fiance were there and it's been years and years since I have seen him. It was a really good day and much laughter was shared.
It was quite the big weekend which I can tell for sure since Kelton and Kaylen were asleep by 7:45 last night and I was asleep by 8pm.
It was the perfect weekend and really allowed me to leave the stresses of my life behind for a few days and just live in the moment. It was just what I needed!
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