Wednesday, August 15, 2012
First Day Outfit
It didn't take Kaylen long to figure out what she will be wearing on the first day of school (which is in two short weeks). I have to say, it is perfectly her!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Twelve Days Since My Last Post
I have to apologize for my lack of blog attention. This whole "moving ten years of your life as well as the children and merging lives with other people" is not as seamless as it feels it should be. There is so much to be done.
The floors are in the process of being put in. We (and by "we" I really mean Stephanie) have completed all the bedrooms and, as of yesterday, the hallway and half the living room. We still have the rest of the living room, the kitchen nook area and the dining room to go. And then there is laying new vinyl flooring in the kitchen. We have already painted the rooms that needed painting, the children's bedrooms are mostly moved from the old house to the new (Kelton and Andrew are sharing which presents a whole other issue for space for both of them). There is still a ton of packing, sorting, deciding what goes into boxes to be stored and what we need to find room for, etc. to do. This is no where near as "easy" as moving one entire home into a waiting and empty home. It's tough, difficult and sometimes incredibly painful work.
I am more affected by the moving out of the home I have spent the past ten years building than I thought I would be. I was working over there yesterday and I was haunted by ghosts of years gone by. I swear I could hear Kelton's three year old voice echoing down the hall. I walked by the back slider and I could have sworn they were out playing in all of their 2 and 5 year old glory. Little ghosts of them are every where. Ghosts of the family unit I used to have can overwhelm me but mostly it is the day to day memories I have of the children. Those are mine - all mine - because I was home with them each and every day.
Christmas mornings in the living room. Birthday parties. First steps, bringing home Kaylen after her birth. Moving into the house when Kelton was a small 10 weeks old. It's all heart stoppingly difficult to let go of.
And yet - I'm excited about the future, too.
It's a very surreal place to be.
Learning the share the day to day with another adult after being on my own for virtually 6.5 years (4 years of law school when I was, let's face it, alone 97% of the time and the 2.5 years since Dakota left) can be both exciting and a challenge. For her part, Stephanie has been living as the sole adult in a house for 7 plus years so to say we are firmly rooted in our ways is putting it mildly. We are making it work though. Step by step. Our love gets us through the tougher times. And the good times are near perfection.
It will all work out. I am just so looking forward to being moved and settled. The chapters closed. Time to rest a little and not feel so completely overwhelmed and exhausted and like I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat but never really being able to sleep for any length of time.
It's hard. Leaving the home I built with, and for, my children. I never really thought I would move from that house. We used to talk to the kids about them going to the middle school up the street...and the high school just down the street. From the time Kelton was 10 weeks old, that house is where I thought I would watch my children grow up and become adults. I'm not one that dreams of relocating. Ever. I grew up in the same house we moved my parents from a few years back. My parents lived in a total of three places their entire lives, besides their parents home. My mom didn't move from the house she was raised in until she married my dad. I don't come from a line of nomads. We put down roots and stay put. And I like it that way.
So moving. It's a very, very big deal for me. And it's very emotional. Both the highs and the lows. And it's often you can find me in a puddle of tears for a while before I pull myself together and move another step forward.
It's not just my own emotions I am dealing with. Kelton and Kaylen are a bucket of their own emotions which, like mine, run the full spectrum. Our good days are very good. Our sad times are deep and sad and hard but together, we are all getting through and moving forward. Tiny step by tiny step.
Nothing is constant but change.
The floors are in the process of being put in. We (and by "we" I really mean Stephanie) have completed all the bedrooms and, as of yesterday, the hallway and half the living room. We still have the rest of the living room, the kitchen nook area and the dining room to go. And then there is laying new vinyl flooring in the kitchen. We have already painted the rooms that needed painting, the children's bedrooms are mostly moved from the old house to the new (Kelton and Andrew are sharing which presents a whole other issue for space for both of them). There is still a ton of packing, sorting, deciding what goes into boxes to be stored and what we need to find room for, etc. to do. This is no where near as "easy" as moving one entire home into a waiting and empty home. It's tough, difficult and sometimes incredibly painful work.
I am more affected by the moving out of the home I have spent the past ten years building than I thought I would be. I was working over there yesterday and I was haunted by ghosts of years gone by. I swear I could hear Kelton's three year old voice echoing down the hall. I walked by the back slider and I could have sworn they were out playing in all of their 2 and 5 year old glory. Little ghosts of them are every where. Ghosts of the family unit I used to have can overwhelm me but mostly it is the day to day memories I have of the children. Those are mine - all mine - because I was home with them each and every day.
Christmas mornings in the living room. Birthday parties. First steps, bringing home Kaylen after her birth. Moving into the house when Kelton was a small 10 weeks old. It's all heart stoppingly difficult to let go of.
And yet - I'm excited about the future, too.
It's a very surreal place to be.
Learning the share the day to day with another adult after being on my own for virtually 6.5 years (4 years of law school when I was, let's face it, alone 97% of the time and the 2.5 years since Dakota left) can be both exciting and a challenge. For her part, Stephanie has been living as the sole adult in a house for 7 plus years so to say we are firmly rooted in our ways is putting it mildly. We are making it work though. Step by step. Our love gets us through the tougher times. And the good times are near perfection.
It will all work out. I am just so looking forward to being moved and settled. The chapters closed. Time to rest a little and not feel so completely overwhelmed and exhausted and like I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat but never really being able to sleep for any length of time.
It's hard. Leaving the home I built with, and for, my children. I never really thought I would move from that house. We used to talk to the kids about them going to the middle school up the street...and the high school just down the street. From the time Kelton was 10 weeks old, that house is where I thought I would watch my children grow up and become adults. I'm not one that dreams of relocating. Ever. I grew up in the same house we moved my parents from a few years back. My parents lived in a total of three places their entire lives, besides their parents home. My mom didn't move from the house she was raised in until she married my dad. I don't come from a line of nomads. We put down roots and stay put. And I like it that way.
So moving. It's a very, very big deal for me. And it's very emotional. Both the highs and the lows. And it's often you can find me in a puddle of tears for a while before I pull myself together and move another step forward.
It's not just my own emotions I am dealing with. Kelton and Kaylen are a bucket of their own emotions which, like mine, run the full spectrum. Our good days are very good. Our sad times are deep and sad and hard but together, we are all getting through and moving forward. Tiny step by tiny step.
Nothing is constant but change.
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
The Flooring Is In!
Finally!!! After weeks of waiting, the flooring has finally arrived. It feels like Christmas morning. :) Stephanie and I sat outside this morning planning out how the next few days are going to go. We are installing it ourselves (because the price of having someone do it vs doing it ourselves was something crazy like four and a half times the amount!)
I looked at her, over my steaming cup of coffee this morning, with a silly grin on my face. She looked back and said "I am soooooo excited!" "Me, too!!!!!!!" I said. This is more fun than a Christmas gift of all the ipod nano accessories in the world. :)
I cannot wait to get started putting in the floor. And once the bedrooms are in, we can start moving the kids bedrooms so we can get them all squared away in their spaces. And from there - it will be a lot of sweat and work but we will merge the two houses and create our new life.
I cannot wait!!!
I looked at her, over my steaming cup of coffee this morning, with a silly grin on my face. She looked back and said "I am soooooo excited!" "Me, too!!!!!!!" I said. This is more fun than a Christmas gift of all the ipod nano accessories in the world. :)
I cannot wait to get started putting in the floor. And once the bedrooms are in, we can start moving the kids bedrooms so we can get them all squared away in their spaces. And from there - it will be a lot of sweat and work but we will merge the two houses and create our new life.
I cannot wait!!!
Life is....well....crazy
All aboard the Crazy Train!
Seriously, I don't recall a time in recent history where my life has been so insanely crazy. Crazy enough to knock me right off my rocker. And I kid you not. Between living in two places, but not really living anywhere, reconstruction of the "new" house (new flooring, painting, cleaning out, organizing, etc.), the children (all three of them, who at different times (and sometimes the same time) have given me a run for my money sanity-wise), losing my dad (which I admit has flipped me harder than I ever expected it too), losing yet another pet (almost 15 year old cat), and just the overall chaos and stress level, there were a couple days there were I was unable to cope. As in completely unable to cope.
There hasn't been time to breathe quietly let alone do things necessary in life such as get term life insurance quotes or new auto insurance quotes. I completely neglected taking care of myself and certainly was getting nowhere near the amount of sleep and rest I need to keep my brain focused and my pain level tolerable.
I'm trying to change that. It's a challenge because there are children and chores and, and, and...not to mention an adult relationship that needs to be tended to. The relationship part is key and while we promised we would not let "us" slide to the back burner, we did and we paid a hefty price for that in the form of a mental collapse on my end. I think one of the most difficult parts of this transition is going from a place where Stephanie and I had an adult relationship that was, for the most part, separate from our life with the kids. We had time to just be together and talk and dream. Once we started staying at the new house mostly full time, the kids took center stage (as they are known to do) and we had to readjust our view of "us".
Challenging does not begin to explain it.
Blending families is a difficult thing to do and unless you have first hand experience, there is no way you can understand it. And I'm talking first hand experience in the exact situation: kids, in the same age group, on both side.
But it's good, too. In all the chaos there is laughter and fun and happy moments.
I just can't wait until we are more settled and there is more laughter, fun and happy moments than stressful ones.
Seriously, I don't recall a time in recent history where my life has been so insanely crazy. Crazy enough to knock me right off my rocker. And I kid you not. Between living in two places, but not really living anywhere, reconstruction of the "new" house (new flooring, painting, cleaning out, organizing, etc.), the children (all three of them, who at different times (and sometimes the same time) have given me a run for my money sanity-wise), losing my dad (which I admit has flipped me harder than I ever expected it too), losing yet another pet (almost 15 year old cat), and just the overall chaos and stress level, there were a couple days there were I was unable to cope. As in completely unable to cope.
There hasn't been time to breathe quietly let alone do things necessary in life such as get term life insurance quotes or new auto insurance quotes. I completely neglected taking care of myself and certainly was getting nowhere near the amount of sleep and rest I need to keep my brain focused and my pain level tolerable.
I'm trying to change that. It's a challenge because there are children and chores and, and, and...not to mention an adult relationship that needs to be tended to. The relationship part is key and while we promised we would not let "us" slide to the back burner, we did and we paid a hefty price for that in the form of a mental collapse on my end. I think one of the most difficult parts of this transition is going from a place where Stephanie and I had an adult relationship that was, for the most part, separate from our life with the kids. We had time to just be together and talk and dream. Once we started staying at the new house mostly full time, the kids took center stage (as they are known to do) and we had to readjust our view of "us".
Challenging does not begin to explain it.
Blending families is a difficult thing to do and unless you have first hand experience, there is no way you can understand it. And I'm talking first hand experience in the exact situation: kids, in the same age group, on both side.
But it's good, too. In all the chaos there is laughter and fun and happy moments.
I just can't wait until we are more settled and there is more laughter, fun and happy moments than stressful ones.
Rings and Commitments
Merging houses, and lives. It's like marriage without the diamond ring engagement part. But then, we already have the whole engagement ring thing down and have for a long, long while. Yes, it's true. She asked and I said yes. A very long time ago. That really shouldn't surprise anyone. :)
We're waiting to have any sort of ceremony though because eventually we will be able to be legally married. Until then, we know the depths of our love and commitment and that is good enough for us. For now. Because eventually, we will make it legal.
True. It's "just a piece of paper" but it's a very important piece of paper.
Come on, Washington State. Let's get this thing rolling!
We're waiting to have any sort of ceremony though because eventually we will be able to be legally married. Until then, we know the depths of our love and commitment and that is good enough for us. For now. Because eventually, we will make it legal.
True. It's "just a piece of paper" but it's a very important piece of paper.
Come on, Washington State. Let's get this thing rolling!
Friday, June 29, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Tuesday
I wish I had something entertaining to write about tonight but I really don't think I do. Maybe I'll just ramble for a few minutes. I'm sure you are all used to that, anyway, right? :)
It's been three weeks since my dad passed away. Three weeks tonight. I've had a really rough couple of days emotionally and I find I still can't quite grasp the fact that my parents are no longer living. I have these moments of panic when I think "But wait! I need to ask you about....." or "Can you tell me how you handled this whole grown up thing because I think I'm sucking at it. How in the world did you raise FIVE kids? My two, plus one, drive me to the brink of all that is good and holy more days than not. HOW did you do this? Were there some day when you wanted to smack us clean into tomorrow? Did you watch us sleep and wonder how you got so lucky? Did you hold us close and smell that amazing child scent that is full of wonder and mischief? Did you cry when we said mean and terrible things to you? Did you cry yourselves to sleep some nights, sick with worry for our future? Did you question every choice you made? Every choice we made? How did you survive us?"
But I know, even if they were both still alive, that I would never get the answers that my heart seems so desperately to know. My mom's brain disease (PLS) would prevent her from being the mom I need. My dad's stroke from long ago had prevented him from answering the handful of questions I posed over the past five years, as parenting became more challenging. He couldn't remember and I could tell it would frustrate him that he didn't have the answers I sought. So, I stopped asking.
And now, I have no chance to ask. I know it's life. I know lots of people lose their parents at my age, or younger. I know many of us are raising children without benefit of the generational knowledge that came before us. We all manage to muddle through. It's just the past few days I have really wanted and needed the wisdom and guidance. The assurance that the kids will be ok - that I will be ok. That change, while at times more difficult that I can say, is a good thing and everything will be great.
The changes I am making in my life are huge. Daunting. Amazing. Wonderful. Terrifying. Every emotion possible, I am experiencing it. Kelton made a comment this afternoon that his leg hurt and he thought he was having growing pains. I sighed and said "Yeah - I think I am, too." He said "You are? I thought you weren't growing anymore." "I think I'm having emotional and mental growing pains. And I bet that it hurts as much as your leg does." He nodded and said "Probably."
Change is hard for me. It's hard for most everyone but right now I go back and forth between full speed ahead and "Holy crap! Slow down!" I feel bi-polar. :)
I'm happy and excited and sad and terrified. All at the same time. Closing chapters in the book of my life has its stumbling blocks and yet I know....I KNOW....that I am making a good, sound and love-filled choice. And even though it is something I want very much, it is hard.
But that's the nature of life, you know? Nothing is constant but change.
I think it would be a whole lot easier if I wasn't balancing the needs, wants, heartbreak and excitement of two little ones. But I am.....and I very much want them to see the changes that they don't want to have to go through to be the best changes possible and ones they will look back on and say "You were right, Mom. Everything really is great and I am so happy in this new world."
And this is where having my parents reassure me that the kids will be ok...that I will be ok...would be really good.
It's been three weeks since my dad passed away. Three weeks tonight. I've had a really rough couple of days emotionally and I find I still can't quite grasp the fact that my parents are no longer living. I have these moments of panic when I think "But wait! I need to ask you about....." or "Can you tell me how you handled this whole grown up thing because I think I'm sucking at it. How in the world did you raise FIVE kids? My two, plus one, drive me to the brink of all that is good and holy more days than not. HOW did you do this? Were there some day when you wanted to smack us clean into tomorrow? Did you watch us sleep and wonder how you got so lucky? Did you hold us close and smell that amazing child scent that is full of wonder and mischief? Did you cry when we said mean and terrible things to you? Did you cry yourselves to sleep some nights, sick with worry for our future? Did you question every choice you made? Every choice we made? How did you survive us?"
But I know, even if they were both still alive, that I would never get the answers that my heart seems so desperately to know. My mom's brain disease (PLS) would prevent her from being the mom I need. My dad's stroke from long ago had prevented him from answering the handful of questions I posed over the past five years, as parenting became more challenging. He couldn't remember and I could tell it would frustrate him that he didn't have the answers I sought. So, I stopped asking.
And now, I have no chance to ask. I know it's life. I know lots of people lose their parents at my age, or younger. I know many of us are raising children without benefit of the generational knowledge that came before us. We all manage to muddle through. It's just the past few days I have really wanted and needed the wisdom and guidance. The assurance that the kids will be ok - that I will be ok. That change, while at times more difficult that I can say, is a good thing and everything will be great.
The changes I am making in my life are huge. Daunting. Amazing. Wonderful. Terrifying. Every emotion possible, I am experiencing it. Kelton made a comment this afternoon that his leg hurt and he thought he was having growing pains. I sighed and said "Yeah - I think I am, too." He said "You are? I thought you weren't growing anymore." "I think I'm having emotional and mental growing pains. And I bet that it hurts as much as your leg does." He nodded and said "Probably."
Change is hard for me. It's hard for most everyone but right now I go back and forth between full speed ahead and "Holy crap! Slow down!" I feel bi-polar. :)
I'm happy and excited and sad and terrified. All at the same time. Closing chapters in the book of my life has its stumbling blocks and yet I know....I KNOW....that I am making a good, sound and love-filled choice. And even though it is something I want very much, it is hard.
But that's the nature of life, you know? Nothing is constant but change.
I think it would be a whole lot easier if I wasn't balancing the needs, wants, heartbreak and excitement of two little ones. But I am.....and I very much want them to see the changes that they don't want to have to go through to be the best changes possible and ones they will look back on and say "You were right, Mom. Everything really is great and I am so happy in this new world."
And this is where having my parents reassure me that the kids will be ok...that I will be ok...would be really good.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
The First and The Last
Look at how much they have grown and changed over the course of the school year. Kelton, who does most of his growing over the summer, looks a lot the same but Kaylen? WOW!
Time marches on.
Time marches on.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Monday
What a very strange and surreal week it has been. My phone rang at 6:00pm last Tuesday. It was my brother, James, telling me my dad had collapsed at the retirement community where he lived. I was trying hard to absorb the information but mostly I had the feeling of "Something happened but it will be ok."
Still, I was nervous and waited for the update call I was promised.
I didn't have to wait long. Fifteen minutes later he called back. "The paramedics were unsuccessful in their efforts."
"What? I don't understand."
He repeated the information - a task I'm sure wasn't easy the first time and probably not the third time either.
He would call later with more information. I hung up on the phone, turned and looked, stunned, at Stephanie who noticed I had gone pale and had come up behind me and put her arms around me. There were no words. There were no tears. I just stood there.
Stephanie held me and asked what I needed. *blink blink* I had no idea what I needed. I just stood there and started to shake. Tears began to fall as the words James said swam around and around in my head.
I waited 15 more minutes and then called Lannon to see if she had information. Confirmation, I suppose, on what I had heard. She told me everything she knew. She was sitting at Washington Oaks, the retirement community, waiting. She knew he had had a great day - his favorite performer had been there and lots of fun was had. Later, he must have gone for a walk. Someone reported seeing blood at an entrance to the building. The staff quickly followed the trail and it lead to my dad's apartment. Getting no answer, they used their key and went inside. He was laying on the floor, unresponsive.
The staff did all they could. The paramedics did all they could. All to no avail. My dad had died.
Years ago, after he had been hit by a car crossing the street, we learned he had an aortic aneurysm and, because of the severity of his stroke from years before, there was nothing they could do. They specialist explained to James and Lannon (and they to me) what would eventually happen. And, happen it did.
The blessing to be found in the tragedy is that it was quick and he didn't have to suffer through a long, drawn out process before dying. I'm glad for that but the swiftness of it is stunning and heartbreaking.
My brother and sister made arrangements the next day and I did what I could from here to help (sadly - very little. I made a few phone calls, sent a few emails and handled finding pall bearers). I tried to make sense of things. Stephanie listened to me for hours on end as I relived the past, questioned the future and grieved the present. She was my lifeline and I am so grateful for her love and support.
I decided the kids would stay here and continue with their weekend plans with Dakota and Stephanie and I would drive up to Seattle. We left immediately after the kids left for school on Friday and drove straight through, making good time. We met James, Cara, Lannon, Arne and my other brother, Will, at the funeral home for the family viewing/visitation. I'd never really understood the whole viewing thing but because his was a very sudden death, it turned out to be a vital part of the process for me. I had to see with my own eyes before it started making sense in my head. It was painful and heart shattering but I'm glad I had the opportunity to say good-bye and see him one last time. Stephanie was with me every step of the way - I really don't know what I would have done without her.
We all left there and headed to my dad's apartment. Lannon, Arne , Cara and James had done the lions share of the work when it came to cleaning out the apartment. They had spent the entire day before sorting through things, making piles, making dump and Good Will runs. There was precious little to help do but I did all I could to help. We loaded cars with the few items people chose and boxed and bagged up the rest to dispose of. It struck me how we work hard our entire lives for "stuff" and in the end, most of it ends up being donated or tossed. Some goes into storage for a while and some goes into the hands of family. It really brings into sharp focus how "stuff" doesn't really mean all that much. To a large degree, I already knew this and try to live my life accordingly but this really brought it home. It's the time we spend with each other that counts. The memories we leave behind. The stories that make us laugh. That make us cry. Those are the "things" that matter.
Before long, Stephanie and I were on our way to James' house for the night. The next morning, early, we headed back to Seattle for the service. It had it's moments of being difficult but with baby Madeleine to entertain us, and friends and family we hadn't seen in ages to catch up with, it moved along well.
At the end of the reception, everyone said their goodbyes, the six of us (plus baby Madeleine) loaded up cars with left over food, plants and flowers and headed to Lannon and Arne's house to hang out together. Stories were swapped and partners probably learned more about our growing up years then they had to date. At least, this was true for Stephanie. In the end, she said that for as sad as it all was, she was glad for the chance to learn so much about me and my growing up years. I guess that's the one part of the funeral day I do like - the bonding and talking that takes place. The affirmation of life.
James, Cara and the baby headed back to their house while Stephanie and I hung back and stayed for a couple more hours. We headed back to James and Cara's at dinner time and the 4.5 of us went out to eat.
It was late when we got back so the baby went to bed and the grown ups talked a bit longer. Then it was off to bed where I struggled to find sleep. I talked Stephanie's ear off until the wee hours but finally we both fell asleep. Yesterday, after breakfast, we said our goodbyes and climbed back into the car for the 4 hour drive home. Only - we decided to make it a 7.5 hour drive. I took a trip down memory lane and had us drive by the house I lived in before moving to Vancouver. It looks basically the same. Then we made a Starbuck's stop, a stop at a casino to play the slots in honor of my dad (who loved going to the casino with his retirement community. He never won so he would be happy to know that neither did we. We lost $80 in about 15 minutes and then walked out the door. :)) and finally, a stop at the outlet mall just to wander around. Stops I always think about making but never do because a 4 hour drive with kids is about 4 hours too long. A 7.5 hour drive with Stephanie? Not even close to enough time to just be together. I circled between talking Stephanie's ear off and being very, very quiet - lost in reliving events. I would laugh at times and cry at others. I felt very bi-polar but Stephanie kept assuring me it was perfectly normal. I've never experienced a death that was so sudden before - usually, they have been long goodbyes and I do a lot of my back and forth stuff before the person dies. This grieving process in completely foreign to me - and a bit crazy making.
We drove to Stephanie's house and dropped off the items I brought back from my dad's and the plants from the funeral (no sense moving them again in a few months and Kaylen will love having the plants to plant in the garden there) and then came back to my house to wait for the kids to return from their weekend. We were here for just a few minutes before they pulled into the driveway.
The kids, Stephanie and I talked and caught up with each other and then it was off to bed - for all of us. Bed. Where I again talked Stephanie's ear off and where she was, again and still, incredibly supportive. It's crazy and surreal that my dad is gone. It's crazy and surreal that both my parents are gone. I'm 47 years old and I swear to you, I feel waaaaaaaaaay too young to not have parents around. It's just not right. It will take more time to come to terms with it, I'm sure.
For as big as my grief is, I know my sister and brother will have an even bigger hole. It is the two of them that took care of Dad for all these years. Helping him to be able to stay in a retirement community instead of an assisted living place. It is they who picked him up and took him places, bought the things he needed, ran errands, oversaw his financials, made sure his bills were paid, kept tabs on him to make sure he was taken care of and happy, etc. Lannon gave up Saturdays to go over and take care of things that needed tending to. The two of them gave up a lot to take care of our dad. I can't begin to compare the way the loss will hit all of us - so completely different. But I guess that's how loss is. No one experiences it the same.
While we all heal emotionally.......I only know this to be true: onward we go. The sun is still rising in the mornings and the children still need to be cared for. Life has a funny way of continually moving us forward.
Still, I was nervous and waited for the update call I was promised.
I didn't have to wait long. Fifteen minutes later he called back. "The paramedics were unsuccessful in their efforts."
"What? I don't understand."
He repeated the information - a task I'm sure wasn't easy the first time and probably not the third time either.
He would call later with more information. I hung up on the phone, turned and looked, stunned, at Stephanie who noticed I had gone pale and had come up behind me and put her arms around me. There were no words. There were no tears. I just stood there.
Stephanie held me and asked what I needed. *blink blink* I had no idea what I needed. I just stood there and started to shake. Tears began to fall as the words James said swam around and around in my head.
I waited 15 more minutes and then called Lannon to see if she had information. Confirmation, I suppose, on what I had heard. She told me everything she knew. She was sitting at Washington Oaks, the retirement community, waiting. She knew he had had a great day - his favorite performer had been there and lots of fun was had. Later, he must have gone for a walk. Someone reported seeing blood at an entrance to the building. The staff quickly followed the trail and it lead to my dad's apartment. Getting no answer, they used their key and went inside. He was laying on the floor, unresponsive.
The staff did all they could. The paramedics did all they could. All to no avail. My dad had died.
Years ago, after he had been hit by a car crossing the street, we learned he had an aortic aneurysm and, because of the severity of his stroke from years before, there was nothing they could do. They specialist explained to James and Lannon (and they to me) what would eventually happen. And, happen it did.
The blessing to be found in the tragedy is that it was quick and he didn't have to suffer through a long, drawn out process before dying. I'm glad for that but the swiftness of it is stunning and heartbreaking.
My brother and sister made arrangements the next day and I did what I could from here to help (sadly - very little. I made a few phone calls, sent a few emails and handled finding pall bearers). I tried to make sense of things. Stephanie listened to me for hours on end as I relived the past, questioned the future and grieved the present. She was my lifeline and I am so grateful for her love and support.
I decided the kids would stay here and continue with their weekend plans with Dakota and Stephanie and I would drive up to Seattle. We left immediately after the kids left for school on Friday and drove straight through, making good time. We met James, Cara, Lannon, Arne and my other brother, Will, at the funeral home for the family viewing/visitation. I'd never really understood the whole viewing thing but because his was a very sudden death, it turned out to be a vital part of the process for me. I had to see with my own eyes before it started making sense in my head. It was painful and heart shattering but I'm glad I had the opportunity to say good-bye and see him one last time. Stephanie was with me every step of the way - I really don't know what I would have done without her.
We all left there and headed to my dad's apartment. Lannon, Arne , Cara and James had done the lions share of the work when it came to cleaning out the apartment. They had spent the entire day before sorting through things, making piles, making dump and Good Will runs. There was precious little to help do but I did all I could to help. We loaded cars with the few items people chose and boxed and bagged up the rest to dispose of. It struck me how we work hard our entire lives for "stuff" and in the end, most of it ends up being donated or tossed. Some goes into storage for a while and some goes into the hands of family. It really brings into sharp focus how "stuff" doesn't really mean all that much. To a large degree, I already knew this and try to live my life accordingly but this really brought it home. It's the time we spend with each other that counts. The memories we leave behind. The stories that make us laugh. That make us cry. Those are the "things" that matter.
Before long, Stephanie and I were on our way to James' house for the night. The next morning, early, we headed back to Seattle for the service. It had it's moments of being difficult but with baby Madeleine to entertain us, and friends and family we hadn't seen in ages to catch up with, it moved along well.
At the end of the reception, everyone said their goodbyes, the six of us (plus baby Madeleine) loaded up cars with left over food, plants and flowers and headed to Lannon and Arne's house to hang out together. Stories were swapped and partners probably learned more about our growing up years then they had to date. At least, this was true for Stephanie. In the end, she said that for as sad as it all was, she was glad for the chance to learn so much about me and my growing up years. I guess that's the one part of the funeral day I do like - the bonding and talking that takes place. The affirmation of life.
James, Cara and the baby headed back to their house while Stephanie and I hung back and stayed for a couple more hours. We headed back to James and Cara's at dinner time and the 4.5 of us went out to eat.
It was late when we got back so the baby went to bed and the grown ups talked a bit longer. Then it was off to bed where I struggled to find sleep. I talked Stephanie's ear off until the wee hours but finally we both fell asleep. Yesterday, after breakfast, we said our goodbyes and climbed back into the car for the 4 hour drive home. Only - we decided to make it a 7.5 hour drive. I took a trip down memory lane and had us drive by the house I lived in before moving to Vancouver. It looks basically the same. Then we made a Starbuck's stop, a stop at a casino to play the slots in honor of my dad (who loved going to the casino with his retirement community. He never won so he would be happy to know that neither did we. We lost $80 in about 15 minutes and then walked out the door. :)) and finally, a stop at the outlet mall just to wander around. Stops I always think about making but never do because a 4 hour drive with kids is about 4 hours too long. A 7.5 hour drive with Stephanie? Not even close to enough time to just be together. I circled between talking Stephanie's ear off and being very, very quiet - lost in reliving events. I would laugh at times and cry at others. I felt very bi-polar but Stephanie kept assuring me it was perfectly normal. I've never experienced a death that was so sudden before - usually, they have been long goodbyes and I do a lot of my back and forth stuff before the person dies. This grieving process in completely foreign to me - and a bit crazy making.
We drove to Stephanie's house and dropped off the items I brought back from my dad's and the plants from the funeral (no sense moving them again in a few months and Kaylen will love having the plants to plant in the garden there) and then came back to my house to wait for the kids to return from their weekend. We were here for just a few minutes before they pulled into the driveway.
The kids, Stephanie and I talked and caught up with each other and then it was off to bed - for all of us. Bed. Where I again talked Stephanie's ear off and where she was, again and still, incredibly supportive. It's crazy and surreal that my dad is gone. It's crazy and surreal that both my parents are gone. I'm 47 years old and I swear to you, I feel waaaaaaaaaay too young to not have parents around. It's just not right. It will take more time to come to terms with it, I'm sure.
For as big as my grief is, I know my sister and brother will have an even bigger hole. It is the two of them that took care of Dad for all these years. Helping him to be able to stay in a retirement community instead of an assisted living place. It is they who picked him up and took him places, bought the things he needed, ran errands, oversaw his financials, made sure his bills were paid, kept tabs on him to make sure he was taken care of and happy, etc. Lannon gave up Saturdays to go over and take care of things that needed tending to. The two of them gave up a lot to take care of our dad. I can't begin to compare the way the loss will hit all of us - so completely different. But I guess that's how loss is. No one experiences it the same.
While we all heal emotionally.......I only know this to be true: onward we go. The sun is still rising in the mornings and the children still need to be cared for. Life has a funny way of continually moving us forward.
My Dad's Obituary
William H. McCafferty
W7UZB
William H. McCafferty passed away on June 5, 2012 at home, after spending the day doing the things he loved. Bill was born on May 10, 1938 to Evelyn and Erwin McCafferty in Seattle, WA and grew up in the Crown Hill area of Seattle. After graduating from Ballard High School, class of 1956, he married his high school sweetheart, Ina North. They raised their five children in the Ballard community where he was involved with many family and community events.
In 1964 Bill was hired by the Northern Pacific railroad which eventually became the Burlington Northern. Bill loved working for the railroad and has shared many stories over the years of his time there, as well as train trips he has taken.
After the passing of his wife of 49 years in 2007, Bill chose to join the Washington Oakes retirement community in Everett. For the past five years he has enjoyed the people, activities, events and staff members as well as time with his family. Some of his favorite adventures have been going horseback riding, train trips to Wenatchee, exploring the corners of Snohomish County by bus and sampling fish and chips from nearly every place that sells them.
He is survived by his five children, William, Peter (Nancy), Lannon (Arne), Casey (Stephanie) and James (Cara); as well as his mother-in-law; two sisters-in-law; eight grandchildren; and two great-grandchildren.
Visitation will be held from 12 to 8 p.m. on Friday, June 8, 2012. Services will be held at Evergreen Washelli in Seattle on Saturday, June 9, 2012, 10 a.m.
Please send remembrances to The Noah Animal Shelter, where Bill found his companion, Tom, at 31300 Brandstrom Rd, Stanwood, 98292.
www.thenoahcenter.org/
Many thanks to his friends and staff members at Washington Oakes.
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
My Dad
My Parents
William H. McCafferty and Ina M. McCafferty
Yesterday, quite suddenly, my dad joined my mom in heaven. I'm sure they are happy to be with each other again after the five years they have spent apart. I am equally sure they are both missed down here with us.
His funeral will be Saturday.
Baby Stuff
In case you haven't figured it out yet, my mind is on a roller coaster ride today. I warned you of that waaaaay back this morning (though really..you might not know that because you are reading most current back. Sorry about that. Or maybe I'm not. You'll never know. :) ). I have jumped from topic to topic to topic and, I'm sure, made precious little sense along the way. Know what I'm going to talk about in this one?
I'll wait.
Did you guess?
Nope. Not that. Something else. Nope. Not that either.
I'm going to talk about a baby bedding boutique because I can. Seriously. Check out the link. That is some cute stuff! I swear to you, seeing baby stuff ALWAYS makes me want another baby. But then I remember....sleepless nights, endless crying, tethered to a small human 24/7. Yeah - no. I'm happy with my bigger kids. Though I do, at times, long for the super snuggliness of a newborn.
Anyway...baby bedding. It's so much fun to pull together a nursery. With Kelton, I went with the stars and moon theme. A theme that carries through even today. I wanted something he could grow with. He still has the lamp and valance from his babyhood. And the small shelf on the wall. With Kaylen, I went with flowers and hearts. It carried through well, too.
I'm glad I picked themes that would grow with them because even at 7 and 10, I still get to see parts of their nursery in their big kid rooms. And I love it.
I'll wait.
Did you guess?
Nope. Not that. Something else. Nope. Not that either.
I'm going to talk about a baby bedding boutique because I can. Seriously. Check out the link. That is some cute stuff! I swear to you, seeing baby stuff ALWAYS makes me want another baby. But then I remember....sleepless nights, endless crying, tethered to a small human 24/7. Yeah - no. I'm happy with my bigger kids. Though I do, at times, long for the super snuggliness of a newborn.
Anyway...baby bedding. It's so much fun to pull together a nursery. With Kelton, I went with the stars and moon theme. A theme that carries through even today. I wanted something he could grow with. He still has the lamp and valance from his babyhood. And the small shelf on the wall. With Kaylen, I went with flowers and hearts. It carried through well, too.
I'm glad I picked themes that would grow with them because even at 7 and 10, I still get to see parts of their nursery in their big kid rooms. And I love it.
Throw another log on the fire.....
It's still chilly around here. Chilly enough to sometimes run the heat and pile on the blankets at night. With the gray clouds and cool temps, I'm still dreaming of curling up in front of a gel fuel fireplace . Seems silly since it's JUNE and all.
Summer weather doesn't consistently begin around here until after the 4th of July. I see pictures of people in the shorts and flip flops and wonder what it must be like to dress like that this early in the season. It's not always this way....we've had VERY warm springs in years past. It's just this year isn't one of them.
So yep. Fireplaces. Things I'm still dreaming of. :)
Summer weather doesn't consistently begin around here until after the 4th of July. I see pictures of people in the shorts and flip flops and wonder what it must be like to dress like that this early in the season. It's not always this way....we've had VERY warm springs in years past. It's just this year isn't one of them.
So yep. Fireplaces. Things I'm still dreaming of. :)
Biking
I'm not a biker. Not motorcycles and not two wheelers. I had a bike accident when I was nine and it caused some major trauma - inside and out. Ever since then, I was lukewarm on bikes. By the time I got my yellow 10-speed, I knew I was done with bikes. Remember the 10-speeds that had the curled handlebars? yeah - it was just too much for my fear and I gave up bike riding.
My kids though - they ride and I'm happy to see it. Kaylen, especially, loves her bike. Kelton keeps saying he wants to get rid of his but I want him to keep it. Riding is a skill he only recently accomplished and I want it to grow before he gives it up. I think he needs a bigger bike though. They both do. Darn those kids for growing. :)
I'm sure if they get new bikes, they will probably want to get a kuat bike rack to attach to the back of the car so I can take them to parks and riding trails. I'm very sure mounting a bike rack to my car isn't going to happen but they can dream. :)
My kids though - they ride and I'm happy to see it. Kaylen, especially, loves her bike. Kelton keeps saying he wants to get rid of his but I want him to keep it. Riding is a skill he only recently accomplished and I want it to grow before he gives it up. I think he needs a bigger bike though. They both do. Darn those kids for growing. :)
I'm sure if they get new bikes, they will probably want to get a kuat bike rack to attach to the back of the car so I can take them to parks and riding trails. I'm very sure mounting a bike rack to my car isn't going to happen but they can dream. :)
Guitars and whatnot
I used to play the guitar. Well - kinda play it. I could knock out camp songs and little ditties. It's not like I jammed or anything (though I know some Camp Fire people who would say we *did* jam back in the day. Hee hee)
I gave away my guitar when I moved to Vancouver. Being a new mom and overwhelmed with life, I just couldn't see myself ever having the time or desire to play it again. I wish I hadn't given it away. It wasn't a
goodwood brand or anything - it was an Epi which was good enough.
I remember the day I got it. My mom and I went to the music store in "downtown Ballard" which was the community in which I lived. My mom had finally said I could get my own full-sized guitar (I'd had a 3/4 size one up until that time) and I was soooo excited.
I saw it on the wall and fall in love with it. It was a light wood. The steel string were too tight for my fingers to manage but I wanted it so much I could almost taste it. I should have gotten a nylon string but I didn't. I went for the steel string one.
It was hard to play but I played it for years and years and years.
I wonder where that piece of wood ended up. I hope it made some happy memories for someone else.
I gave away my guitar when I moved to Vancouver. Being a new mom and overwhelmed with life, I just couldn't see myself ever having the time or desire to play it again. I wish I hadn't given it away. It wasn't a
goodwood brand or anything - it was an Epi which was good enough.
I remember the day I got it. My mom and I went to the music store in "downtown Ballard" which was the community in which I lived. My mom had finally said I could get my own full-sized guitar (I'd had a 3/4 size one up until that time) and I was soooo excited.
I saw it on the wall and fall in love with it. It was a light wood. The steel string were too tight for my fingers to manage but I wanted it so much I could almost taste it. I should have gotten a nylon string but I didn't. I went for the steel string one.
It was hard to play but I played it for years and years and years.
I wonder where that piece of wood ended up. I hope it made some happy memories for someone else.
Stuff
I decided to go to the grocery store after I got my hair cut. I don't know why but I felt the need to stock up on "stuff"....or maybe it was more "head to a familiar place and just be there". Whatever the reason, I picked up groceries which is always a good thing when the cupboards are looking bare.
There weren't a ton of people there, which is always nice. As I wandered in and out the empty aisles (and noticed that hard alcohol is now for sale in the grocery store. UGH! Sorry folks - I didn't vote for that one. I'm sure it's easies for lots of you but I don't like it. I preferred people needing to go to the state run liquor stores to buy stuff.) I let my mind travel where it wanted. Apparently, my feet followed suit as I found myself in the baby gear section. All the highchairs, cribs, car seats, bouncy chairs. So much has changed since I needed baby gear. Now they have fancy things like the city versa stroller and equipment that comes in pinks and blues instead of black.
Quite a different world already. And my babies are only 10 and 7. Things change quickly, don't they?
There weren't a ton of people there, which is always nice. As I wandered in and out the empty aisles (and noticed that hard alcohol is now for sale in the grocery store. UGH! Sorry folks - I didn't vote for that one. I'm sure it's easies for lots of you but I don't like it. I preferred people needing to go to the state run liquor stores to buy stuff.) I let my mind travel where it wanted. Apparently, my feet followed suit as I found myself in the baby gear section. All the highchairs, cribs, car seats, bouncy chairs. So much has changed since I needed baby gear. Now they have fancy things like the city versa stroller and equipment that comes in pinks and blues instead of black.
Quite a different world already. And my babies are only 10 and 7. Things change quickly, don't they?
The Weather - because....why not?
The weather is crazy today. Woke up to blue skies......an hour later, it was raining. About 30 minutes later, I needed to pull out my sunglasses. The sky gets dark and stormy and then those clouds roll by to reveal blue skies. Blue skies are covered again by clouds and, what appears to be, a misting system of sprinkles.
Come to think of it though - the weather is a good mirror of how I am feeling today. I do ok and then the gray clouds roll in. Over and over. In and out of the cycle.
It's life though, right? Good, bad, and somewhere in between.
Come to think of it though - the weather is a good mirror of how I am feeling today. I do ok and then the gray clouds roll in. Over and over. In and out of the cycle.
It's life though, right? Good, bad, and somewhere in between.
Fedora, Anyone?
Ok - what's the deal with Fedora Hats ? Do people wear them as a course of action? Or are they mostly so you can look cool - like a gansta'? (and yeah - I said it that way. ) I bet Kelton would love one. Oh wait - I think he has two that are very similar in style. Maybe that's what they are.
Come to think of it, I've seen a couple other kids at his school wearing hats like this.
Must be some cool new trend.
Personally, I look like a dolt in a hat. I don't have the head for them. I wish I did. I try but hats just never look good on my noggin. Kaylen, though, she can wear hats like a pro. She looks amazing in them. Kelton looks good in his, too.
I think I might be a wee bit jealous. :)
Come to think of it, I've seen a couple other kids at his school wearing hats like this.
Must be some cool new trend.
Personally, I look like a dolt in a hat. I don't have the head for them. I wish I did. I try but hats just never look good on my noggin. Kaylen, though, she can wear hats like a pro. She looks amazing in them. Kelton looks good in his, too.
I think I might be a wee bit jealous. :)
Ramble On, Casey
Because I don't want to write about "things" but I need to write anyway, I thought I would entertain you with random posts. Nothing specific - just random because my fingers need to type so my brain can be quieted.
Maybe I'll entertain you with my thoughts on what type of vesa adapter I think is best. Or maybe my thoughts on using round-up versus white vinegar. Maybe I'll tell you that my backyard needs to be weeded like nobody's business. How I really need to scrub the kitchen sink, the bathroom sink, and probably the toliets. Or maybe I should tell you how I'm probably not going to be doing any of that today.
I am going to get my hair cut. You know, because it needs it and now I need to have it done sooner rather than later. Maybe I will tell you that I'm not really in the mood to go get my hair cut. Or buy some groceries. Or maybe I can tell you that I'm both relieved and not that today is a short day for the kids.
Maybe I could tell you that I realize this post makes no sense and oddly, I'm ok with that today. I have a feeling I will be posting other posts that make no sense today. But when I finally tell you why, it will all make sense to you.
You will sigh and say "Oh. That's why. Her brain is muddled."
And you will be right.
Maybe I'll entertain you with my thoughts on what type of vesa adapter I think is best. Or maybe my thoughts on using round-up versus white vinegar. Maybe I'll tell you that my backyard needs to be weeded like nobody's business. How I really need to scrub the kitchen sink, the bathroom sink, and probably the toliets. Or maybe I should tell you how I'm probably not going to be doing any of that today.
I am going to get my hair cut. You know, because it needs it and now I need to have it done sooner rather than later. Maybe I will tell you that I'm not really in the mood to go get my hair cut. Or buy some groceries. Or maybe I can tell you that I'm both relieved and not that today is a short day for the kids.
Maybe I could tell you that I realize this post makes no sense and oddly, I'm ok with that today. I have a feeling I will be posting other posts that make no sense today. But when I finally tell you why, it will all make sense to you.
You will sigh and say "Oh. That's why. Her brain is muddled."
And you will be right.
A post that says a lot but says nothing
Something has happened that I am not yet ready to post publicly. I will....soon. Just not yet.
And no....it's nothing about Stephanie and me. That part is solid and good and, right now, holding me together.
(It's also nothing about Dakota. Or Vicki. Or the kids. Or anything like that. )
As I find I do when bad things happen, my mind races to the ocean shore. A place where I feel safe - where the violence of the crashing waves, and the smell of sea salt in the air, calms me. I wish I were there right now. I wish I was there last night when the call came in.
I wish a million things. Things I cannot change. Things that just are - whether I want it or not.
Life happens. And yet - this morning the sun came up in the sky, the birds sang, the children needed to be fed, taken to school and hugged. It's weird how something so huge can happen and, for the most part, the world just keeps moving forward.
Forward we go. Step by step. Into a new world yet again.
And no....it's nothing about Stephanie and me. That part is solid and good and, right now, holding me together.
(It's also nothing about Dakota. Or Vicki. Or the kids. Or anything like that. )
As I find I do when bad things happen, my mind races to the ocean shore. A place where I feel safe - where the violence of the crashing waves, and the smell of sea salt in the air, calms me. I wish I were there right now. I wish I was there last night when the call came in.
I wish a million things. Things I cannot change. Things that just are - whether I want it or not.
Life happens. And yet - this morning the sun came up in the sky, the birds sang, the children needed to be fed, taken to school and hugged. It's weird how something so huge can happen and, for the most part, the world just keeps moving forward.
Forward we go. Step by step. Into a new world yet again.
Monday, June 04, 2012
Gearing Up For a Garage Sale
Have I mentioned that I am in the process of clearing things out and getting ready for a garage sale? The scale of which kind of scares me. :) We have two houses to clear out and since my house has been regularly decluttered a few times each and every year, most of the stuff is coming from Stephanie's house. Or, specifically, her garage.
I foresee a LOT of work ahead as I go through all the bags I have already brought here and sort everything into categories and price everything. Did I say a lot of work? Yep - I meant it. I'm kinda not looking forward to it. It's necessary, but daunting.
Tonight, the kids, on their own, started going through their DVD's and videos to bag up the ones they are done with. It was a respectable stack they ended up pricing and bagging. And bonus! They really are figuring out this fair pricing thing for a garage sale. I didn't once have to say "Kelton. Really? $20 for your old headless Happy Meal toy?" :)
After we completed the project they started, I wandered over to the cabinet full of photos and started sorting through and organizing. I came upon photos that were taken at my baby shower - I was all pregnant and glowing. I don't often toot my own horn but I looked so amazing when I was pregnant. I loved every single minute of having those babies inside me. I wasn't wearing maternity dresses (because if you know me at all, you know it's a cold day when I put on a dress) but I sure enjoyed remembering back to the maternity shirts and jeans I wore. (But the gold wire rim round glasses? I've done better than those, believe me. Ugh! Looking back I don't know why I liked them so much. But I did.)
Pictures are amazing. They can transport you right back in time. The people. The feelings I was feeling. The excitement of expecting a new baby. There are tons of emotions in photographs. And I am very grateful for them and I know that one day, some day, the kids will be grateful so much of their younger years was documented.
I foresee a LOT of work ahead as I go through all the bags I have already brought here and sort everything into categories and price everything. Did I say a lot of work? Yep - I meant it. I'm kinda not looking forward to it. It's necessary, but daunting.
Tonight, the kids, on their own, started going through their DVD's and videos to bag up the ones they are done with. It was a respectable stack they ended up pricing and bagging. And bonus! They really are figuring out this fair pricing thing for a garage sale. I didn't once have to say "Kelton. Really? $20 for your old headless Happy Meal toy?" :)
After we completed the project they started, I wandered over to the cabinet full of photos and started sorting through and organizing. I came upon photos that were taken at my baby shower - I was all pregnant and glowing. I don't often toot my own horn but I looked so amazing when I was pregnant. I loved every single minute of having those babies inside me. I wasn't wearing maternity dresses (because if you know me at all, you know it's a cold day when I put on a dress) but I sure enjoyed remembering back to the maternity shirts and jeans I wore. (But the gold wire rim round glasses? I've done better than those, believe me. Ugh! Looking back I don't know why I liked them so much. But I did.)
Pictures are amazing. They can transport you right back in time. The people. The feelings I was feeling. The excitement of expecting a new baby. There are tons of emotions in photographs. And I am very grateful for them and I know that one day, some day, the kids will be grateful so much of their younger years was documented.
Mine Mine Mine
So - after 18 plus years of being a registered car owner with someone, today marks the first day when I am, once again, a registered owner of a vehicle on my own. The final paperwork has been done and the car loans have been separated and refinanced. It's a little bit, I would imagine, like getting the divorce degree in the mail and I guess, in a way, that's what it is.
Bittersweet. An end. A beginning. All rolled into one.
Make no mistake, I'm happily moving forward with my life and yet there are still times I think "Huh. It sucks it didn't work out." We went into it with all the good intentions people have when they get married and some how, along the way, it all went bad. Sucks. But it's life and without the pain of that, I wouldn't have the joy that is in my life today.
So......it's nice to know that I can sell my car without needing someone else's approval and sign off. Or heck, even get one of those title loans nyc things (but I'm not going to because I'm steering clear of debt). It's nice to see just my name on the registration. Mine. Mine. Mine. All mine.
All steps that lead down a different path. A new direction. A new life.
Bittersweet. An end. A beginning. All rolled into one.
Make no mistake, I'm happily moving forward with my life and yet there are still times I think "Huh. It sucks it didn't work out." We went into it with all the good intentions people have when they get married and some how, along the way, it all went bad. Sucks. But it's life and without the pain of that, I wouldn't have the joy that is in my life today.
So......it's nice to know that I can sell my car without needing someone else's approval and sign off. Or heck, even get one of those title loans nyc things (but I'm not going to because I'm steering clear of debt). It's nice to see just my name on the registration. Mine. Mine. Mine. All mine.
All steps that lead down a different path. A new direction. A new life.
Friday, June 01, 2012
*YAWN*
I'm tired. As in dog tired. Bone tired. Exhausted.
Since it was the first of the month, I had a full day's (plus I'm guessing a good two more day worth) work to get done in a mere 4 hours (which is what I am able to put in after getting kids off to school, driving to the office, working, and driving home again to be here when the bus arrives). Statements and invoices had to be printed, coordinated, stacked, attached, folded, stuffed, envelopes licked, stamps attached, and mailed.
There are things to research, to track down, and to file. No doubt about it - the first three work days of the month are by far the busiest. I'm not even sure where the hours went today - they flew.
Fifteen minutes before I had to leave, I grabbed lunch. Subway.....which happens to be near the used hot dog carts place (which also sells other things...you know...reduce, recycle, reuse and all that). I wolfed it down, logged out of my computer, stacked up the work still to be done, grabbed the stack of mail to go out and headed on my way.
Once at home, I was greeted with the work that needs to be done here. It's never ending, that's for sure.
I guess I don't really need to wonder why I'm so tired these days. Good thing it's Friday!
Since it was the first of the month, I had a full day's (plus I'm guessing a good two more day worth) work to get done in a mere 4 hours (which is what I am able to put in after getting kids off to school, driving to the office, working, and driving home again to be here when the bus arrives). Statements and invoices had to be printed, coordinated, stacked, attached, folded, stuffed, envelopes licked, stamps attached, and mailed.
There are things to research, to track down, and to file. No doubt about it - the first three work days of the month are by far the busiest. I'm not even sure where the hours went today - they flew.
Fifteen minutes before I had to leave, I grabbed lunch. Subway.....which happens to be near the used hot dog carts place (which also sells other things...you know...reduce, recycle, reuse and all that). I wolfed it down, logged out of my computer, stacked up the work still to be done, grabbed the stack of mail to go out and headed on my way.
Once at home, I was greeted with the work that needs to be done here. It's never ending, that's for sure.
I guess I don't really need to wonder why I'm so tired these days. Good thing it's Friday!
Boom Boom Boom
Last Friday night our area was blessed with a huge thunderstorm. The likes of which you rarely get to experience around here. I had recently been thinking, wondering when the last time was we had a really good thunder and lightning storm. The one Friday, and another on Saturday, more than made up for the length of time between storms.
BOOM! CRASH! CRACKLE!
It sounded like God had a big set of drums and was going to town playing them. Yes, I know. I'm sure God doesn't have a need to go out and buy electronic drum sets and the like (or does he? What do I know? I've never been to heaven. Maybe there are music shops there. I mean - where else do you suppose angels get their harps and whatnot?) but as I sat there listening to the concert of sounds provided my nature, I just sat back and smiled.
Nature playing drums.
So cool.
BOOM! CRASH! CRACKLE!
It sounded like God had a big set of drums and was going to town playing them. Yes, I know. I'm sure God doesn't have a need to go out and buy electronic drum sets and the like (or does he? What do I know? I've never been to heaven. Maybe there are music shops there. I mean - where else do you suppose angels get their harps and whatnot?) but as I sat there listening to the concert of sounds provided my nature, I just sat back and smiled.
Nature playing drums.
So cool.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Sad Neighborhood News
Last night, the kids and I learned the sad news that Kelton's best friend, J, (from across the street, commonly referred to on my blog as the neighbor boy) lost his mom. A child losing their mother is a difficult concept for me, as an adult. It's been downright impossible for the kids to wrap their heads around.
It was bedtime when we heard the news. Needless to say, my two little ones wanted no part of being out of my sight while they absorbed the news that their friend no longer had his mom to kiss him goodnight, hear about his day, or wrap her arms around him to keep him safe.
It was a tough little while.
But no where near as tough as I imagine J, across the street, was having.
We read stories and I snuggled them off into their beds with a lot of "I love you's" and "It's going to be ok" statements.
I put myself to bed and laid there, thinking. Worrying about J. Wondering how losing his mother at the tender age of 10 will affect the rest of his life. My heart ached for him. I didn't sleep for hours.
As a mother, my heart ached for his mother. Knowing that she was leaving her baby boy. In a way, I hope she didn't know. But does that make it better? Easier?
God help me but I never want to know. I never want to be in the position of my children being without me when they are still children and needing their mother. Yes, they have two mother's but we are not interchangeable. The bond I have with them is completely and absolutely different than the one they have with their other mother. Both are strong. Vital. Necessary for their development. But they are completely different.
J has spent a good deal of time with us recently, and he is here again today. I'm glad he is here. I think it's good for him. It lets him get out of the grown up talk and hang out with Kelton. I talked with him, light and easy, just a bit ago. He opened up and I sensed he wanted to say more but Kelton came into the room and J stopped talking. I told him I am here any time.
J's dad isn't in the best of health. Has never been in the 10 years we have lived across the street from them. This morning, Kelton asked if we could adopt J if something happened to his dad. I told him that J has family, aunts and uncles, who would probably take care of him but yes, if there was no one to take care of him, he could live with us. When I was telling Stephanie about the conversation, before I even got to the point of telling her I had said yes, she jumped in with "Tell Kelton yes. We absolutely would take J into our family." (Is it any wonder why I love her so?)
I doubt it would ever come to that but I think it gives Kelton some sense of it being a safer world for J without his mom knowing that someone will be there to take care of his friend.
A child losing his mother. It just breaks this mother's heart into pieces.
It was bedtime when we heard the news. Needless to say, my two little ones wanted no part of being out of my sight while they absorbed the news that their friend no longer had his mom to kiss him goodnight, hear about his day, or wrap her arms around him to keep him safe.
It was a tough little while.
But no where near as tough as I imagine J, across the street, was having.
We read stories and I snuggled them off into their beds with a lot of "I love you's" and "It's going to be ok" statements.
I put myself to bed and laid there, thinking. Worrying about J. Wondering how losing his mother at the tender age of 10 will affect the rest of his life. My heart ached for him. I didn't sleep for hours.
As a mother, my heart ached for his mother. Knowing that she was leaving her baby boy. In a way, I hope she didn't know. But does that make it better? Easier?
God help me but I never want to know. I never want to be in the position of my children being without me when they are still children and needing their mother. Yes, they have two mother's but we are not interchangeable. The bond I have with them is completely and absolutely different than the one they have with their other mother. Both are strong. Vital. Necessary for their development. But they are completely different.
J has spent a good deal of time with us recently, and he is here again today. I'm glad he is here. I think it's good for him. It lets him get out of the grown up talk and hang out with Kelton. I talked with him, light and easy, just a bit ago. He opened up and I sensed he wanted to say more but Kelton came into the room and J stopped talking. I told him I am here any time.
J's dad isn't in the best of health. Has never been in the 10 years we have lived across the street from them. This morning, Kelton asked if we could adopt J if something happened to his dad. I told him that J has family, aunts and uncles, who would probably take care of him but yes, if there was no one to take care of him, he could live with us. When I was telling Stephanie about the conversation, before I even got to the point of telling her I had said yes, she jumped in with "Tell Kelton yes. We absolutely would take J into our family." (Is it any wonder why I love her so?)
I doubt it would ever come to that but I think it gives Kelton some sense of it being a safer world for J without his mom knowing that someone will be there to take care of his friend.
A child losing his mother. It just breaks this mother's heart into pieces.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
The One Where She Says GoodBye
Today was the official beginning of the end. About 20 minutes ago I handed off 98% my PTO (Parent Teacher Organization) duties to the Vice President. Within the next couple hours, I will be removed from the bank accounts and then all that is left is answering emails and questions as the board begins preparing for the new school year.
If I wasn't so excited about the direction my life is heading, this could very well be one of those times that requires airbrush makeup to make me look as if I haven't been crying my eyes out. Seriously, Crestline and the PTO have been part of my every day for the past five years. I started out volunteering in Kelton's kindergarten room and the next year jumped, with both feet, into the PTO.
It's been a great experience. I have learned so much, made amazing friends along the way and was able to use so many of my skill-set which kept me from losing my mommy-muddled brain. It kept my people-skills limber and kept me prepared to jump back into the "real world" after being out of it for so long. I am more relaxed in the work I do now because the PTO and the school gave me the ability to do projects without feeling like it HAD to be perfect (something I struggled with in jobs before the kids. I kept myself to a ridiculously high standard but over the past 10 years, with kids and whatnot, I have learned to relax the standards and you know what? I enjoy life a whole lot more. Of course, I guess that could have something to do with the fact that I'm 47 and hitting the "I don't really care what you think about me - I think I'm pretty fantastic." phase in my life.).
I'm sure the finality of it all will hit me down the road but right now, I am excited about the changes and looking forward to my new life. There is so much to think about, dream about and do that I am still plenty busy. :)
Good-Bye, PTO. I have loved every minute of you....you know, except for those minutes when I didn't. :)
If I wasn't so excited about the direction my life is heading, this could very well be one of those times that requires airbrush makeup to make me look as if I haven't been crying my eyes out. Seriously, Crestline and the PTO have been part of my every day for the past five years. I started out volunteering in Kelton's kindergarten room and the next year jumped, with both feet, into the PTO.
It's been a great experience. I have learned so much, made amazing friends along the way and was able to use so many of my skill-set which kept me from losing my mommy-muddled brain. It kept my people-skills limber and kept me prepared to jump back into the "real world" after being out of it for so long. I am more relaxed in the work I do now because the PTO and the school gave me the ability to do projects without feeling like it HAD to be perfect (something I struggled with in jobs before the kids. I kept myself to a ridiculously high standard but over the past 10 years, with kids and whatnot, I have learned to relax the standards and you know what? I enjoy life a whole lot more. Of course, I guess that could have something to do with the fact that I'm 47 and hitting the "I don't really care what you think about me - I think I'm pretty fantastic." phase in my life.).
I'm sure the finality of it all will hit me down the road but right now, I am excited about the changes and looking forward to my new life. There is so much to think about, dream about and do that I am still plenty busy. :)
Good-Bye, PTO. I have loved every minute of you....you know, except for those minutes when I didn't. :)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Cleaning Cleaning and More Cleaning
While the children played this afternoon and evening, I spent hours catching up on personal paperwork and then diving into clearing out and organizing cabinets. The thing about working inside cabinets is that no one really sees or appreciates all the hard work that goes into it.
And believe me - it was a lot of work!
I started by cleaning up the computer desk area (because it is where I sat to work on my paperwork and I couldn't help but notice that it needed attention). That took me to cleaning out my PTO binders, which lead to me to the bi-fold closet in the kitchen. That took me to the cabinet where I keep vases and alcohol. Goodness knows that needs to be cleared out. I bagged up a bunch more stuff to send with Dakota. They will drink it. I never will. From there I moved to the cookbook cabinet. Who am I kidding? I don't need all those books because I don't cook. :)
From there I meant to go get the kids' sheets from the dryer and remake their beds but as I passed their art cabinet, I couldn't help but open the door and clean it out. Which lead to another cabinet.
By now it was closing in on 7:30pm and I needed to get the kids beds remade.
But by now, I was exhausted. I was wishing for a warm night on the porch watching some cool water features as I rested and relaxed. Too bad for me because there was still work do to.
I remade the beds and straightened up their rooms. By now it was 8pm and time to end the Uno Attack game, say goodnight to the neighbor boy and get my two into their jammies and under their covers. Oh but wait - they both needed to get in their 20 minutes of reading. *sigh*
I just returned from tucking them in. All is quiet and it's a good thing because this mommy is ready to call it a day.
And what a day it has been. A very good, very productive day.
Life is amazing!
And believe me - it was a lot of work!
I started by cleaning up the computer desk area (because it is where I sat to work on my paperwork and I couldn't help but notice that it needed attention). That took me to cleaning out my PTO binders, which lead to me to the bi-fold closet in the kitchen. That took me to the cabinet where I keep vases and alcohol. Goodness knows that needs to be cleared out. I bagged up a bunch more stuff to send with Dakota. They will drink it. I never will. From there I moved to the cookbook cabinet. Who am I kidding? I don't need all those books because I don't cook. :)
From there I meant to go get the kids' sheets from the dryer and remake their beds but as I passed their art cabinet, I couldn't help but open the door and clean it out. Which lead to another cabinet.
By now it was closing in on 7:30pm and I needed to get the kids beds remade.
But by now, I was exhausted. I was wishing for a warm night on the porch watching some cool water features as I rested and relaxed. Too bad for me because there was still work do to.
I remade the beds and straightened up their rooms. By now it was 8pm and time to end the Uno Attack game, say goodnight to the neighbor boy and get my two into their jammies and under their covers. Oh but wait - they both needed to get in their 20 minutes of reading. *sigh*
I just returned from tucking them in. All is quiet and it's a good thing because this mommy is ready to call it a day.
And what a day it has been. A very good, very productive day.
Life is amazing!
The Tree House
It was early release for the kids today so it was a long afternoon filled with tons of playing and having fun. Kaylen went to a friends house for a couple hours and while she was gone, the neighbor boy came over to play with Kelton. By 3pm, I had all three running around.
We have a tree house in the back yard. It's not so much a traditional tree house but more a play structure with a playhouse on top - complete with working electricity. The people who originally owned the house built it for their boys. It was a swing, monkey bars and a two person swing on the lower level and then you climb a ladder, open the door, and enter a playhouse with windows and a look out. It's actually pretty cool - if one liked heights, which this "one" does not. I've never actually been *inside* but I have seen what it looks like from the ladder.
Anyway.....the kids have moved some toys and the old swing cushion into the tree house and they love to just hang around in there. Honestly, I think they are more of the "someone stands below and throws things up to the people inside the tree house while those people are pelting the person on the ground with things". They have fun, yes, but it is far from quiet fun. Mommy has to yell "Knock it off!" many times for various offenses within the course of an hour.
Tonight, the kids had come inside and were playing Uno Attack while I cleaned up the kitchen. I noticed the glasses they had taken outside where not back inside so I sent them out to find the glasses. They did so and then returned to their game. I noticed the tree house door was open. *sigh*
I went out there, climbed the ladder, grabbed the door knob, and prepared to close the door. That's when I saw it. A bag of potato chips.....and the mess of about 50zillion smashed pieces. UGH! I grabbed the bag and closed the door. I returned to the living room and calmly said "Tomorrow, after school, you two will take the small vacuum cleaner and go up into the tree house and clean up every piece of chip on the floor.
WHY? They whined. Because, I calmly stated, food will bring mice, ants, squirrels, raccoons and possums to the tree house - none of whom I want to have to deal with. (One a side note: this is exactly why I do not have compost bins in the yard. I know there are ways to keep the vermin out but I don't know enough about it at this point to try. Once we are out in the country, I might venture into the land of composting.)
Can I just say that I'm not looking forward to tomorrow afternoon either. Standing watch while they do what needs to be done just doesn't sound like big fun for me.
And who thought taking food up there was a good idea, anyway? *sigh*
We have a tree house in the back yard. It's not so much a traditional tree house but more a play structure with a playhouse on top - complete with working electricity. The people who originally owned the house built it for their boys. It was a swing, monkey bars and a two person swing on the lower level and then you climb a ladder, open the door, and enter a playhouse with windows and a look out. It's actually pretty cool - if one liked heights, which this "one" does not. I've never actually been *inside* but I have seen what it looks like from the ladder.
Anyway.....the kids have moved some toys and the old swing cushion into the tree house and they love to just hang around in there. Honestly, I think they are more of the "someone stands below and throws things up to the people inside the tree house while those people are pelting the person on the ground with things". They have fun, yes, but it is far from quiet fun. Mommy has to yell "Knock it off!" many times for various offenses within the course of an hour.
Tonight, the kids had come inside and were playing Uno Attack while I cleaned up the kitchen. I noticed the glasses they had taken outside where not back inside so I sent them out to find the glasses. They did so and then returned to their game. I noticed the tree house door was open. *sigh*
I went out there, climbed the ladder, grabbed the door knob, and prepared to close the door. That's when I saw it. A bag of potato chips.....and the mess of about 50zillion smashed pieces. UGH! I grabbed the bag and closed the door. I returned to the living room and calmly said "Tomorrow, after school, you two will take the small vacuum cleaner and go up into the tree house and clean up every piece of chip on the floor.
WHY? They whined. Because, I calmly stated, food will bring mice, ants, squirrels, raccoons and possums to the tree house - none of whom I want to have to deal with. (One a side note: this is exactly why I do not have compost bins in the yard. I know there are ways to keep the vermin out but I don't know enough about it at this point to try. Once we are out in the country, I might venture into the land of composting.)
Can I just say that I'm not looking forward to tomorrow afternoon either. Standing watch while they do what needs to be done just doesn't sound like big fun for me.
And who thought taking food up there was a good idea, anyway? *sigh*
Random Thought for a Wednesday
I am starting to see small signs that the financial tide is slowly, ever so slowly, starting to change in the area. Today I noticed that a business has opened up in a building that has vacant for the past three years. I take that as a good sign. Possibly one of the first real signs in a long time.
I also have noticed that houses for rent are renting in the area. The ones that are for sale, are still for sale. Not much is moving in that area just yet. I'm not seeing as many "bank owned" signage or foreclosures which I think is a really good sign. The houses that are for sale are either "by owner" or by a real estate company.
I saw, and felt, the tides shift back in 2005. I feel like I've been holding my breath ever since. Could it be that we are call start to breathe a bit easier? I hope so.
I also have noticed that houses for rent are renting in the area. The ones that are for sale, are still for sale. Not much is moving in that area just yet. I'm not seeing as many "bank owned" signage or foreclosures which I think is a really good sign. The houses that are for sale are either "by owner" or by a real estate company.
I saw, and felt, the tides shift back in 2005. I feel like I've been holding my breath ever since. Could it be that we are call start to breathe a bit easier? I hope so.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Coffee Maker, Coffee Maker...Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?
Something very, very sad happened this morning. I can barely stand to being myself to talk about but I suppose I must so the healing can begin.
Let me set the scene for you:
My alarm went off at 6:45am, which I should have taken as a sign of things to come. I hardly ever sleep all the way to my alarm. Sleeping is for wimps....or at least for those without sleep issues of all shapes and sizes. :) Anyway....after my alarm went off, I stumbled out of bed, wiped the sleep from my eyes and attempted to get my bearings. I left my room and headed down the hall. I could hear Kelton already up and playing a computer game. With bleary eyes, I made my way to the living room; turned off the porch light and pulled open the blinds on the windows. I passed the couch and straightened up the cat bed and then rounded the corner into the kitchen.
Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Beautiful coffee was waiting for me.
WAIT.
No it wasn't. What the...????? I stared at the empty coffee carafe in disbelief. My eyes shot up to the program features. Green "timer" light was on. The red "on" light was on. WHY WASN'T THE COFFEE READY AND WAITING? What just happened here?
I checked the contents. Water? Check. Coffee grounds? Check.
WHAT THE HECK????
Is this really happening? It can't be. This must be a nightmare. I couldn't quite fit the pieces of the puzzle together for I wasn't yet awake...because...you know....I HADN'T HAD ANY COFFEE YET!!!
I double checked that the coffee maker had power. Yes..the clock was on the the lights were lit.
CRAP. Now what?
No extra pot because I gave it to Dakota when she moved out.
I went back to my room and climbed back into bed. What to do, what to do?
I Facebooked, of course. A friend of mine posted back asking if I had a French Press. Did I? I couldn't remember. Then it hit me! I DID! It is a teeny tiny one that came as a gift with something ages ago but it would work in an emergency and this was definitely an emergency.
I boiled water, put coffee grounds in the press and waited for the coffee to turn the right color.
I poured it into my waiting cup. And then made another press-full because that one? It didn't even come close to filling half my cup. I added the second press-ful to my cup and added my creamer. I took a drink.
BLECH! I apparently don't like French Press coffee. I did what any solider would do, though. I sucked that puppy down and waited to start feeling human.
Yeah. Not so much.
I got the kids ready for school and sent them on their way and then headed over to Stephanie's because I *KNEW* she would have coffee and I also knew she would have an extra coffee maker in her cabinet that I could borrow until I got a new one (in moments like this, I'm very glad she holds on to stuff.). I walked in, barely said hello, and went straight to the coffee pot. BLISS! I made a giant cup and sat on the couch and drank it. Every drop. Then I turned to face Stephanie (who was already hard at work on business stuff) and sweetly said "Good morning!"
She laughed. At me. :)
Two additional cups later - I was feeling better.
This afternoon I scoured Amazon, Target, WalMart and Overstock to see what I could find in the way of good coffee makers and I think I found one that will work out. It's another Cuisinart but sadly, only a 12 cupper instead of my beloved 14 cupper. I think it will do, though. And it was price comparable to other machines on the market. Shoot me but I have a problem with Mr. Coffee machines. I don't know if it's the name or what but it's something and I just can't go there. I looked at a Kitchen Aid maker at Target....for the price I would expect better. MUCH better. Passed on that one. The Cuisinart I found wasn't any more expensive that a Mr. Coffee. How long will it last? I don't know but considering I have had this one for .....four years? And I have worked it hard...I think I will get my money out of it. And then some. :)
But....it will take two days to get here. Until then, I have the old dusty one from Stephanie's pantry. Yes - it may take 20 minutes to brew a pot of coffee but there WILL be coffee in the morning. And that is very, very important.
Let me set the scene for you:
My alarm went off at 6:45am, which I should have taken as a sign of things to come. I hardly ever sleep all the way to my alarm. Sleeping is for wimps....or at least for those without sleep issues of all shapes and sizes. :) Anyway....after my alarm went off, I stumbled out of bed, wiped the sleep from my eyes and attempted to get my bearings. I left my room and headed down the hall. I could hear Kelton already up and playing a computer game. With bleary eyes, I made my way to the living room; turned off the porch light and pulled open the blinds on the windows. I passed the couch and straightened up the cat bed and then rounded the corner into the kitchen.
Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Beautiful coffee was waiting for me.
WAIT.
No it wasn't. What the...????? I stared at the empty coffee carafe in disbelief. My eyes shot up to the program features. Green "timer" light was on. The red "on" light was on. WHY WASN'T THE COFFEE READY AND WAITING? What just happened here?
I checked the contents. Water? Check. Coffee grounds? Check.
WHAT THE HECK????
Is this really happening? It can't be. This must be a nightmare. I couldn't quite fit the pieces of the puzzle together for I wasn't yet awake...because...you know....I HADN'T HAD ANY COFFEE YET!!!
I double checked that the coffee maker had power. Yes..the clock was on the the lights were lit.
CRAP. Now what?
No extra pot because I gave it to Dakota when she moved out.
I went back to my room and climbed back into bed. What to do, what to do?
I Facebooked, of course. A friend of mine posted back asking if I had a French Press. Did I? I couldn't remember. Then it hit me! I DID! It is a teeny tiny one that came as a gift with something ages ago but it would work in an emergency and this was definitely an emergency.
I boiled water, put coffee grounds in the press and waited for the coffee to turn the right color.
I poured it into my waiting cup. And then made another press-full because that one? It didn't even come close to filling half my cup. I added the second press-ful to my cup and added my creamer. I took a drink.
BLECH! I apparently don't like French Press coffee. I did what any solider would do, though. I sucked that puppy down and waited to start feeling human.
Yeah. Not so much.
I got the kids ready for school and sent them on their way and then headed over to Stephanie's because I *KNEW* she would have coffee and I also knew she would have an extra coffee maker in her cabinet that I could borrow until I got a new one (in moments like this, I'm very glad she holds on to stuff.). I walked in, barely said hello, and went straight to the coffee pot. BLISS! I made a giant cup and sat on the couch and drank it. Every drop. Then I turned to face Stephanie (who was already hard at work on business stuff) and sweetly said "Good morning!"
She laughed. At me. :)
Two additional cups later - I was feeling better.
This afternoon I scoured Amazon, Target, WalMart and Overstock to see what I could find in the way of good coffee makers and I think I found one that will work out. It's another Cuisinart but sadly, only a 12 cupper instead of my beloved 14 cupper. I think it will do, though. And it was price comparable to other machines on the market. Shoot me but I have a problem with Mr. Coffee machines. I don't know if it's the name or what but it's something and I just can't go there. I looked at a Kitchen Aid maker at Target....for the price I would expect better. MUCH better. Passed on that one. The Cuisinart I found wasn't any more expensive that a Mr. Coffee. How long will it last? I don't know but considering I have had this one for .....four years? And I have worked it hard...I think I will get my money out of it. And then some. :)
But....it will take two days to get here. Until then, I have the old dusty one from Stephanie's pantry. Yes - it may take 20 minutes to brew a pot of coffee but there WILL be coffee in the morning. And that is very, very important.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Sunday
After fifteen amazingly beautiful days, the rain returned on Sunday. I have to admit, as much as I love the sunny, warm days, I do enjoy the rain. Which is good - you know, since I live in the Pacific Northwest and all. :)
We had a slow start to our morning but thanks to little Miss Motivation (who was fever free and feeling much better than the day before) Stephanie, Kaylen and I were hard at work by 9:30am. Where was Kelton, you ask? Curled up on the couch playing a computer game.....of course. :)
Anyway - the three of us got to work sorting through boxes separating their contents into garbage, garage sale and keep piles. Oh yes - the massive clearing out of stuff has begun and I am here to tell you that we have a crud load of stuff to sort through between the two houses. And honestly, sorting through things and paring down is probably the most time consuming of all the projects to be done.
We found tons of stuff.....as well as a small army of carpenter ants who are busy making a mess in the garage rafters. Ah....life in the country. All those trees around means you are bound to run into vermin and wood eating insects. We tracked down their route from outside to inside and sprayed the area but are definitely going to have a company come out and do a complete house-wide job. Did I mention I live in the Pacific Northwest? Carpenter ants are just part of the deal. And did I mention it was the country? Mice, bunnies, and baby birds learning to fly (but getting snatched up by two dogs only to be rescued by Stephanie and reunited with its mommy and daddy. The bird, I am happy to report, seemed ok and we watched him fly onto the relative safety of a low branch after being lovingly checked over by its parents. None the less - it was a bit TOO much country for this not-yet 100% country girl to see. *shudder* I know dogs will be dogs but wow. That was intense!) are also a big part of life.
Anyway.....back to the garage, we found all sorts of things. Nothing as exciting as silver bullion bars (which sure would come in handy!) but I did round up more than $10 in loose change. Every bit helps and it sure is better than a poke in the eye....or a head slamming into the attic rafter as I pulled stuff down to sort through. :)
We worked the entire day away and finally stopped around 6pm so we could make the kids dinner (and take a much needed shower!). When I complained of being tired, Kaylen was quick to point out that SHE did most of the work. She did do a TON of work but mostly, it was her motivation to keep going that kept us hard at work all day long. She is a trooper, that's for sure.
Kelton? He came out to check things out a couple times, helped a bit but mostly cheered us on from his comfy place on the couch. The place I surely would have liked to have spent a rainy Sunday as well. I'm glad someone got to rest....and I'm really glad we got so much accomplished.
We had a slow start to our morning but thanks to little Miss Motivation (who was fever free and feeling much better than the day before) Stephanie, Kaylen and I were hard at work by 9:30am. Where was Kelton, you ask? Curled up on the couch playing a computer game.....of course. :)
Anyway - the three of us got to work sorting through boxes separating their contents into garbage, garage sale and keep piles. Oh yes - the massive clearing out of stuff has begun and I am here to tell you that we have a crud load of stuff to sort through between the two houses. And honestly, sorting through things and paring down is probably the most time consuming of all the projects to be done.
We found tons of stuff.....as well as a small army of carpenter ants who are busy making a mess in the garage rafters. Ah....life in the country. All those trees around means you are bound to run into vermin and wood eating insects. We tracked down their route from outside to inside and sprayed the area but are definitely going to have a company come out and do a complete house-wide job. Did I mention I live in the Pacific Northwest? Carpenter ants are just part of the deal. And did I mention it was the country? Mice, bunnies, and baby birds learning to fly (but getting snatched up by two dogs only to be rescued by Stephanie and reunited with its mommy and daddy. The bird, I am happy to report, seemed ok and we watched him fly onto the relative safety of a low branch after being lovingly checked over by its parents. None the less - it was a bit TOO much country for this not-yet 100% country girl to see. *shudder* I know dogs will be dogs but wow. That was intense!) are also a big part of life.
Anyway.....back to the garage, we found all sorts of things. Nothing as exciting as silver bullion bars (which sure would come in handy!) but I did round up more than $10 in loose change. Every bit helps and it sure is better than a poke in the eye....or a head slamming into the attic rafter as I pulled stuff down to sort through. :)
We worked the entire day away and finally stopped around 6pm so we could make the kids dinner (and take a much needed shower!). When I complained of being tired, Kaylen was quick to point out that SHE did most of the work. She did do a TON of work but mostly, it was her motivation to keep going that kept us hard at work all day long. She is a trooper, that's for sure.
Kelton? He came out to check things out a couple times, helped a bit but mostly cheered us on from his comfy place on the couch. The place I surely would have liked to have spent a rainy Sunday as well. I'm glad someone got to rest....and I'm really glad we got so much accomplished.
Saturday
Saturday was a nice day, here in the Pacific Northwest and as people are meant to do on nice days (which are few and far between for most of the year), we spent some time outside.
Stephanie had to go in to work for a few hours and Andrew had a school thing to do so the kids and I were on our own for a while Saturday. I had noticed on Friday that there was a weekend neighborhood garage sale up the road a bit (in the ritzy neighborhood) so I loaded the kids into the car and we went to see what sort of treasures we might find. As it turns out, not many. Kelton picked up a couple small items (grand total for him ran about $3.00 for the day) and Kaylen picked out a few articles of clothing (her grand total was $5.00). As usual when I am shopping, I found nothing I needed or wanted. I always try to put a positive spin on that by telling myself (and the kids) that my life is pretty darn good for I want or need for nothing.
After we checked out the sales, we headed into town to get gas for my car (oops - I had really needed to do that on Friday. Silly me!) and then back out to Stephanie's. I did some chores while the kids played and within a couple of hours, Stephanie arrived home.
We had planned to just go sit on the front porch for a while and enjoy the afternoon but it didn't take long before Stephanie had pulled on a pair of gloves (where they tillman gloves ? I may never know but I do know they were mighty fancy and nice.) and was working on weeding the front garden. Kaylen wasn't feeling well (running a fever and just cranky as all get out!) so Kaylen cuddled in my lap while Stephanie and I chatted as she worked in the garden.
The afternoon flew by and before I knew it, it was time to make dinner for the kids. From there, it was a hop, skip and a jump to bedtime - for all of us. I have to say, I have never ever experienced time moving so quickly as I do when we are out in the country. It seriously FLIES! We get up by 8AM every morning and two blinks later, it's 9:30PM and we are heading to bed, completely exhausted from our day.
But what days they are. Good days. Amazing days.
Totally loving life.
Stephanie had to go in to work for a few hours and Andrew had a school thing to do so the kids and I were on our own for a while Saturday. I had noticed on Friday that there was a weekend neighborhood garage sale up the road a bit (in the ritzy neighborhood) so I loaded the kids into the car and we went to see what sort of treasures we might find. As it turns out, not many. Kelton picked up a couple small items (grand total for him ran about $3.00 for the day) and Kaylen picked out a few articles of clothing (her grand total was $5.00). As usual when I am shopping, I found nothing I needed or wanted. I always try to put a positive spin on that by telling myself (and the kids) that my life is pretty darn good for I want or need for nothing.
After we checked out the sales, we headed into town to get gas for my car (oops - I had really needed to do that on Friday. Silly me!) and then back out to Stephanie's. I did some chores while the kids played and within a couple of hours, Stephanie arrived home.
We had planned to just go sit on the front porch for a while and enjoy the afternoon but it didn't take long before Stephanie had pulled on a pair of gloves (where they tillman gloves ? I may never know but I do know they were mighty fancy and nice.) and was working on weeding the front garden. Kaylen wasn't feeling well (running a fever and just cranky as all get out!) so Kaylen cuddled in my lap while Stephanie and I chatted as she worked in the garden.
The afternoon flew by and before I knew it, it was time to make dinner for the kids. From there, it was a hop, skip and a jump to bedtime - for all of us. I have to say, I have never ever experienced time moving so quickly as I do when we are out in the country. It seriously FLIES! We get up by 8AM every morning and two blinks later, it's 9:30PM and we are heading to bed, completely exhausted from our day.
But what days they are. Good days. Amazing days.
Totally loving life.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Slow Down - Hurry Up
My life is a crazy contradiction right now. One side of my life is urging....screaming....DEADLINES! GET MOVING! GET IT DONE! WHY ISN'T IT DONE YET? LOOK AT ALL THIS THAT MUST BE ACCOMPLISHED NOW! The other side is kicked back, relaxed and saying "No worries. It will get done. Everything in its own time. No rush - we have time."
I'm feeling off kilter and honestly, exhausted from trying to balance it all - the needs, the wants. What I really want to do is install one of those fancy indoor outdoor ceiling fans on the porch and just sit back in a comfy chair with a cold glass of lemonade and just "be". Maybe the voices in my head (and the voices coming from all directions outside my head) would slow down, maybe stop, for just a while.
But there is too much to do. Too much that must be attended to.
And so I put the dream of a cold lemonade on hold and get ready to go to an all school field trip tomorrow. Because, you know, what's not relaxing about 530 children at Dozer Days?
I'm feeling off kilter and honestly, exhausted from trying to balance it all - the needs, the wants. What I really want to do is install one of those fancy indoor outdoor ceiling fans on the porch and just sit back in a comfy chair with a cold glass of lemonade and just "be". Maybe the voices in my head (and the voices coming from all directions outside my head) would slow down, maybe stop, for just a while.
But there is too much to do. Too much that must be attended to.
And so I put the dream of a cold lemonade on hold and get ready to go to an all school field trip tomorrow. Because, you know, what's not relaxing about 530 children at Dozer Days?
Soccer Mom
I didn't want it to happen. Believe me. But...as it turns out, I'm going to be the quintessential "soccer mom" minus the stupid mini-van. (Yes, I know some of you love your mini-vans but I am not a van loving person. Sorry.) Kaylen has recently decided that she MUST, simply MUST, play soccer.
Oh joy. All the things I love *she says, with sarcasm dripping heavily*. Outside. Mud. Dirt. Standing in the rain. Standing in the cold. Sports. Why yes...bring it on. But while all of those things I *don't* love, there is a little girl who I definitely DO love and for whom I would travel to the ends of the earth...or at least a soccer field.
So soccer it will be. And after all the day camp registration and fall league registration and figuring out how to get all the gear she needs (I don't know.....does she need uniform name tags?) .....she better LOVE it. :) Something tells me she will.
She is my little athlete. My go-getter. My "I have to be outside as much as I can, as often as I can" girl. I've always known this about her.....I called her my TomBoy Princess because there she would be: decked out on her prettiest party dress splashing in a mud puddle. From the time she could crawl, she would get herself to the sliding glass door that leads to the backyard and pound on it - begging to go outside. Or she would bring me her shoes and say "SIDE SIDE SIDE!" which I knew meant OUTSIDE OUTSIDE OUTSIDE!
She is still like that. Outside is where she lives. Where she wants to be. She doesn't care if she is out there alone - as long as she is outside.
So soccer. Wow.
Oh joy. All the things I love *she says, with sarcasm dripping heavily*. Outside. Mud. Dirt. Standing in the rain. Standing in the cold. Sports. Why yes...bring it on. But while all of those things I *don't* love, there is a little girl who I definitely DO love and for whom I would travel to the ends of the earth...or at least a soccer field.
So soccer it will be. And after all the day camp registration and fall league registration and figuring out how to get all the gear she needs (I don't know.....does she need uniform name tags?) .....she better LOVE it. :) Something tells me she will.
She is my little athlete. My go-getter. My "I have to be outside as much as I can, as often as I can" girl. I've always known this about her.....I called her my TomBoy Princess because there she would be: decked out on her prettiest party dress splashing in a mud puddle. From the time she could crawl, she would get herself to the sliding glass door that leads to the backyard and pound on it - begging to go outside. Or she would bring me her shoes and say "SIDE SIDE SIDE!" which I knew meant OUTSIDE OUTSIDE OUTSIDE!
She is still like that. Outside is where she lives. Where she wants to be. She doesn't care if she is out there alone - as long as she is outside.
So soccer. Wow.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Life...or something like it
I decided that I should write something - anything - tonight. It's been days since I put pen to paper, or in this case, fingers to keyboard, to do anything other than make To Do lists or a grocery list. That doesn't make for a very happy Casey.
So what am I doing right now? Funny you should ask. I'm eating the crust of my daughter's frozen cheese pizza that she had for dinner. Oh heck - let's just say "I'm eating dinner." because, let's face it, that's all I'm having tonight. Honestly I usually just eat their leftovers (or, more often, eat nothing) and call it dinner. I don't so much see the point of cooking a meal that I would eat when I know the kids won't. Judge me all you want - the kids eat kid food (pizza, chicken nuggets, mac-n-cheese, pasta, etc.) and I'm ok with that. I don't enjoy cooking anyway so more power to the microwavable food that they will eat.
I will cook food for myself but rarely ever *just* for myself. When Stephanie and I are together at breakfast or dinner times, I will cook for us (or rather, most often, we cook together) but just for myself? That just isn't happening. And I am more than ok with that.
Sure, sure...I know most people would rather slam their heads into a wall than go without meals but I am happy to say I have no need for a Nolan N43E helmet because there is no head slamming into walls here.
Anyhoo.......I bet you are all eager to know what I did today, aren't you? Well - for starters, I got the children up and ready for school. Yay me. Then I had to deal with a melting down child who is suddenly complaining that *ALL* her shoes are too small except for a certain pair, which could not be located...FOR THE SECOND MORNING IN A ROW. I found them the morning prior tucked into a backpack she had taken to a friend's the afternoon before (crisis averted) but this morning was a bird of a different color. I could not find those suckers *anywhere*! I even climbed into the tree house (which I detest. I don't enjoy heights. At all.) to see if she left them there when playing yesterday. We retraced every step she took, and some she didn't take. She was melting down. I started to melt down. The clock had long since struck time to leave. I finally found them wedged into the far corner of her closet - which of course was a mess - which of course led to me accidentally knocking it off the track. ARGH!
Mommy meltdown for one.
After saying my piece about how they both have too much stuff and swearing to God above that I will go into their rooms with a big trash bag and throw out everything that doesn't have a place to be......we were finally on our way to school. I saw them off to their classrooms and took care of the PTO stuff I needed to get done and then I went to Wally World to do some long overdue grocery shopping. Waaaaaay too much money later, I packed up the car with all I had bought and headed over to Lowe's to return something and pick up something else. From there I went home and put away groceries (which never seem to be enough considering how much they cost), started the dishwasher, took care of the laundry and called my (former) mother-in-law (she says I am still her daughter-in-law, and always will be, because she didn't divorce me. Oh how I love that woman!). We have been trying to get together for the past couple weeks but schedules never seem to work out. This was true again today. I had a couple hours before early release whereby I could squeeze in a visit but alas, she did not. We caught up a bit on the phone and said we will try to work soemthing out again next week (the rest of my week is booked).
I did some cleaning and fixed Kaylen's closet door and then.... I plopped myself down to watch an episode of Judging Amy. OH YES I DID! I love Judging Amy and it is on GMC every day at 11 and 12. I record it daily but I never actually go back to watch it so if I am home, I will make sure to catch at least one of the episodes. After all these years, it's still one of the best shows around.
Before I knew it, the kiddos were home so I was wrapped up in them until everything settled back down. Kaylen had a friend come over (she has turned into a social butterfly these past few weeks and is never without a play date after school) so while Kelton played in his room and Kaylen played outside, I got to work in my room cleaning things out. It's always a good thing to get rid of clothes and items you no longer need and today was no exception. Four bags of clothing and purses I no longer need are bagged up and waiting a garage sale and I went through a bunch of old keepsake boxes and trashed 95% of the contents. Moving forward, and all that.
Then, I cleaned a cabinet in the kitchen because the state of the contents had been driving me crazy. Leftover containers seem to take on a life of their own. I matched up lids with containers and tossed out everything that didn't have a match.
By then I was running out of steam so I had a cup of coffee (left over from this morning) and played a few games of Scramble...which I have become addicted to. I never seem to win but it's fun just the same. I find I move through the games as I tire of them. Words with Friends turned to DrawSomething and now I'm hooked on Scramble. Gotta wonder what's next. Or maybe I shouldn't wonder. :)
And now I am wondering what to do with the next few hours. I have a book I am wanting to read (no..it's not 50 Shades of Gray. It's a parenting book based on the Love and Logic theory) but wanting to read and sitting down to read are two entirely different animals. My eye sight (because of the syringomyelia) makes reading challenging during the best of times so at night it is especially difficult. My sight is fine for *seeing*, it's just reading print that is hard.
Kaylen is in the yard wandering around and playing on the swing set - coming in every few minutes to share something about her day, or her life, with me. Kelton is watching TV (for the first time all day). It's a quiet evening - my favorite kind. No kid arguing. Just quiet. Gotta love that.
Maybe I'll go sit on the patio and think about life. There is so much to think about these days.
So what am I doing right now? Funny you should ask. I'm eating the crust of my daughter's frozen cheese pizza that she had for dinner. Oh heck - let's just say "I'm eating dinner." because, let's face it, that's all I'm having tonight. Honestly I usually just eat their leftovers (or, more often, eat nothing) and call it dinner. I don't so much see the point of cooking a meal that I would eat when I know the kids won't. Judge me all you want - the kids eat kid food (pizza, chicken nuggets, mac-n-cheese, pasta, etc.) and I'm ok with that. I don't enjoy cooking anyway so more power to the microwavable food that they will eat.
I will cook food for myself but rarely ever *just* for myself. When Stephanie and I are together at breakfast or dinner times, I will cook for us (or rather, most often, we cook together) but just for myself? That just isn't happening. And I am more than ok with that.
Sure, sure...I know most people would rather slam their heads into a wall than go without meals but I am happy to say I have no need for a Nolan N43E helmet because there is no head slamming into walls here.
Anyhoo.......I bet you are all eager to know what I did today, aren't you? Well - for starters, I got the children up and ready for school. Yay me. Then I had to deal with a melting down child who is suddenly complaining that *ALL* her shoes are too small except for a certain pair, which could not be located...FOR THE SECOND MORNING IN A ROW. I found them the morning prior tucked into a backpack she had taken to a friend's the afternoon before (crisis averted) but this morning was a bird of a different color. I could not find those suckers *anywhere*! I even climbed into the tree house (which I detest. I don't enjoy heights. At all.) to see if she left them there when playing yesterday. We retraced every step she took, and some she didn't take. She was melting down. I started to melt down. The clock had long since struck time to leave. I finally found them wedged into the far corner of her closet - which of course was a mess - which of course led to me accidentally knocking it off the track. ARGH!
Mommy meltdown for one.
After saying my piece about how they both have too much stuff and swearing to God above that I will go into their rooms with a big trash bag and throw out everything that doesn't have a place to be......we were finally on our way to school. I saw them off to their classrooms and took care of the PTO stuff I needed to get done and then I went to Wally World to do some long overdue grocery shopping. Waaaaaay too much money later, I packed up the car with all I had bought and headed over to Lowe's to return something and pick up something else. From there I went home and put away groceries (which never seem to be enough considering how much they cost), started the dishwasher, took care of the laundry and called my (former) mother-in-law (she says I am still her daughter-in-law, and always will be, because she didn't divorce me. Oh how I love that woman!). We have been trying to get together for the past couple weeks but schedules never seem to work out. This was true again today. I had a couple hours before early release whereby I could squeeze in a visit but alas, she did not. We caught up a bit on the phone and said we will try to work soemthing out again next week (the rest of my week is booked).
I did some cleaning and fixed Kaylen's closet door and then.... I plopped myself down to watch an episode of Judging Amy. OH YES I DID! I love Judging Amy and it is on GMC every day at 11 and 12. I record it daily but I never actually go back to watch it so if I am home, I will make sure to catch at least one of the episodes. After all these years, it's still one of the best shows around.
Before I knew it, the kiddos were home so I was wrapped up in them until everything settled back down. Kaylen had a friend come over (she has turned into a social butterfly these past few weeks and is never without a play date after school) so while Kelton played in his room and Kaylen played outside, I got to work in my room cleaning things out. It's always a good thing to get rid of clothes and items you no longer need and today was no exception. Four bags of clothing and purses I no longer need are bagged up and waiting a garage sale and I went through a bunch of old keepsake boxes and trashed 95% of the contents. Moving forward, and all that.
Then, I cleaned a cabinet in the kitchen because the state of the contents had been driving me crazy. Leftover containers seem to take on a life of their own. I matched up lids with containers and tossed out everything that didn't have a match.
By then I was running out of steam so I had a cup of coffee (left over from this morning) and played a few games of Scramble...which I have become addicted to. I never seem to win but it's fun just the same. I find I move through the games as I tire of them. Words with Friends turned to DrawSomething and now I'm hooked on Scramble. Gotta wonder what's next. Or maybe I shouldn't wonder. :)
And now I am wondering what to do with the next few hours. I have a book I am wanting to read (no..it's not 50 Shades of Gray. It's a parenting book based on the Love and Logic theory) but wanting to read and sitting down to read are two entirely different animals. My eye sight (because of the syringomyelia) makes reading challenging during the best of times so at night it is especially difficult. My sight is fine for *seeing*, it's just reading print that is hard.
Kaylen is in the yard wandering around and playing on the swing set - coming in every few minutes to share something about her day, or her life, with me. Kelton is watching TV (for the first time all day). It's a quiet evening - my favorite kind. No kid arguing. Just quiet. Gotta love that.
Maybe I'll go sit on the patio and think about life. There is so much to think about these days.
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Lost in Time
Because I am apparently in a "lost in time" mood, I have been watching the video montages I put together years ago. They make me both sad and happy. Lifetimes ago indeed.
Do me a favor, give me a few mintues of your time and watch the first years of my babies lives. I can't believe how much they have grown. Or how much things have changed since those days.
My babies. The best of the best of what my life was, is, and will be. I am a lucky mommy - I made some pretty damn amazing children. :)
Kelton's First Year
Kaylen's First Year
And keep reading - there are two more posts from earlier today. :)
Do me a favor, give me a few mintues of your time and watch the first years of my babies lives. I can't believe how much they have grown. Or how much things have changed since those days.
My babies. The best of the best of what my life was, is, and will be. I am a lucky mommy - I made some pretty damn amazing children. :)
Kelton's First Year
Kaylen's First Year
And keep reading - there are two more posts from earlier today. :)
I Think I Figured It Out
I was sitting here, reading through years gone by on my blog when I clicked on April 2007. Why yes...yes...there IS a reason I am feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Friday is the 5th anniversary of my mom's death. This isn't news to me. I know the date by heart. Stephanie and I have talked about it being this Friday. I guess I just hadn't consider it to be a contributing factor in how I am feeling today.
Five years. Almost impossible to believe but then again, not impossible. It's been a lifetime....and it was just yesterday.
I scrolled through the posts and was immediately transported back in time. Kelton turned 5 years old the day the kids and I moved into a hotel north of Seattle for our 5 week stay. Kaylen was just over 2 years. Somehow, even today, those are the ages the kids are stuck at in my minds-eye. I see them in the photos and I think "OH! THERE you are! Where have you been?"
I came across this video montage I made the week before the kids and I made the move up there for the long stay. We had gone up to visit for Easter Weekend, we all (my brother, sister and I) knew the time was dwindling - we just didn't know how quickly. It makes me sad to see my mom in these photos. A shell of who she was but all too soon gone forever. The one of Kelton, standing beside my mom (his cousin standing on the other side of her) brings instant tears.
My kids don't remember her at all. Kelton has memories of the hotel, the wheelchair, being with my family...sketchy memories, at best, but he doesn't remember my mom at all. It's sad to me. I wonder often what life would have been like had she never been sick (she had a progressive neurological disease (PLS) )....if she had gotten to know my kids. If they had gotten to know her.
I guess it makes complete sense that I'm feeling lost today.
Five years.
That's the thing about life - it just keeps moving forward.
Five years. Almost impossible to believe but then again, not impossible. It's been a lifetime....and it was just yesterday.
I scrolled through the posts and was immediately transported back in time. Kelton turned 5 years old the day the kids and I moved into a hotel north of Seattle for our 5 week stay. Kaylen was just over 2 years. Somehow, even today, those are the ages the kids are stuck at in my minds-eye. I see them in the photos and I think "OH! THERE you are! Where have you been?"
I came across this video montage I made the week before the kids and I made the move up there for the long stay. We had gone up to visit for Easter Weekend, we all (my brother, sister and I) knew the time was dwindling - we just didn't know how quickly. It makes me sad to see my mom in these photos. A shell of who she was but all too soon gone forever. The one of Kelton, standing beside my mom (his cousin standing on the other side of her) brings instant tears.
My kids don't remember her at all. Kelton has memories of the hotel, the wheelchair, being with my family...sketchy memories, at best, but he doesn't remember my mom at all. It's sad to me. I wonder often what life would have been like had she never been sick (she had a progressive neurological disease (PLS) )....if she had gotten to know my kids. If they had gotten to know her.
I guess it makes complete sense that I'm feeling lost today.
Five years.
That's the thing about life - it just keeps moving forward.
Blah ....but still a decent day
I'm feeling kinda down and out today. Not too bad but just enough to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I do not like feeling this way. And especially when I can't pinpoint the reason. I have thoughts about it bouncing around my head but nothing specific I can reach out and grab.
It might be because I am working on 4 hours of sleep and I've reached the point of being too tired to cope. Why didn't I get more sleep? I stayed up too late watching TV and texting with Stephanie but by 11:45pm, it was lights out and I quickly fell asleep. 4AM arrived and I had a coughing fit (yep - another cold. Lovely. Feels like we have had a cold circulating for the entire winter.) and once I had that under control, I was wide awake. Well...you know, until 6:30 when I suddenly was *very* sleepy. Of course.
Too bad for me - it was time to get the day moving. I had a cup of coffee in a silent house (which has become a nice part of my routine) and then went to wake the kids. The kids, I will add, were also up too late though they were both sleeping by 9:30pm. I got Miss Kaylen up easily enough but Kelton was having no part of it. I left him sleeping and Kaylen and I hit the shower. After I was dressed and ready, I woke up Master Kelton. Not an easy task but he was finally up and stumbling around.
We all ate (and I sucked down another cup of coffee) and were quickly on our way to the school. I had some PTO business to attend to and it was a teacher appreciation event morning so I stayed and chatted for a bit.
I headed home to wait for Stephanie. She had a medical appointment that I attended with her and then we grabbed a late breakfast/early lunch. Since it was early release Wednesday, and the day was waning, we decided to run some errands and then head quickly back to the house to be there for the arrival of the school bus. The kids and Stephanie spent a few minutes together and then Kaylen was off to a play date with a new friend who lives around the corner and Stephanie headed back to her house. Kelton settled in with a computer game and I did household chores and then went out and mowed the lawn.
Kelton and I hung out for the afternoon which was really nice. It's always good to have one on one time with the kids. It's something I don't often get so I cherish it when I have it. When it is just one of the them and me, they confide so much in me and ask my opinion and advice. I love it. It makes losing them as "my babies" easier to take because we have a new relationship that is developing.
A few hours down the road, Kaylen came home and brought her friend with her. After talking with the grandmother, we arranged for the friend to stay and play here for another half hour. I love that Kaylen seems to make friends so easily. I wish Kelton did. I worry about him - he tends to be a loner while Kaylen thrives in groups of little girls. Night and day, they are, day and night.
Finally it was just the three of us again and I prepared dinner. It has since been cleaned up and the kids areirritating each other watching tv in the living room.
It's an early bedtime tonight. Beside the fact that we all need to catch up on some sleep, Kelton has his final MSP (state mandated test) tomorrow and I want him at his best.
I hope tomorrow finds me feeling more comfortable in my skin.....and I'm hoping like hell this cough will be improved. I'm so very tired of it and it wrecks havoc on my syringomyelia (and then symptoms thereof).
Sleep. I need sleep. Please let me sleep tonight.
It might be because I am working on 4 hours of sleep and I've reached the point of being too tired to cope. Why didn't I get more sleep? I stayed up too late watching TV and texting with Stephanie but by 11:45pm, it was lights out and I quickly fell asleep. 4AM arrived and I had a coughing fit (yep - another cold. Lovely. Feels like we have had a cold circulating for the entire winter.) and once I had that under control, I was wide awake. Well...you know, until 6:30 when I suddenly was *very* sleepy. Of course.
Too bad for me - it was time to get the day moving. I had a cup of coffee in a silent house (which has become a nice part of my routine) and then went to wake the kids. The kids, I will add, were also up too late though they were both sleeping by 9:30pm. I got Miss Kaylen up easily enough but Kelton was having no part of it. I left him sleeping and Kaylen and I hit the shower. After I was dressed and ready, I woke up Master Kelton. Not an easy task but he was finally up and stumbling around.
We all ate (and I sucked down another cup of coffee) and were quickly on our way to the school. I had some PTO business to attend to and it was a teacher appreciation event morning so I stayed and chatted for a bit.
I headed home to wait for Stephanie. She had a medical appointment that I attended with her and then we grabbed a late breakfast/early lunch. Since it was early release Wednesday, and the day was waning, we decided to run some errands and then head quickly back to the house to be there for the arrival of the school bus. The kids and Stephanie spent a few minutes together and then Kaylen was off to a play date with a new friend who lives around the corner and Stephanie headed back to her house. Kelton settled in with a computer game and I did household chores and then went out and mowed the lawn.
Kelton and I hung out for the afternoon which was really nice. It's always good to have one on one time with the kids. It's something I don't often get so I cherish it when I have it. When it is just one of the them and me, they confide so much in me and ask my opinion and advice. I love it. It makes losing them as "my babies" easier to take because we have a new relationship that is developing.
A few hours down the road, Kaylen came home and brought her friend with her. After talking with the grandmother, we arranged for the friend to stay and play here for another half hour. I love that Kaylen seems to make friends so easily. I wish Kelton did. I worry about him - he tends to be a loner while Kaylen thrives in groups of little girls. Night and day, they are, day and night.
Finally it was just the three of us again and I prepared dinner. It has since been cleaned up and the kids are
It's an early bedtime tonight. Beside the fact that we all need to catch up on some sleep, Kelton has his final MSP (state mandated test) tomorrow and I want him at his best.
I hope tomorrow finds me feeling more comfortable in my skin.....and I'm hoping like hell this cough will be improved. I'm so very tired of it and it wrecks havoc on my syringomyelia (and then symptoms thereof).
Sleep. I need sleep. Please let me sleep tonight.
Monday, May 07, 2012
Seriously? Monday? Again?
Do I only post on Monday? It can't be true but it sure feels like it because I seem to want to post the title as "Monday, Monday" but I know I have used it before. Recently. Oh well...not that it's important to know exactly when I post...only that I do, indeed, post. I'm not sure why it is important, but it feels like it is.
Long gone are the days when I spun tales of what the children were doing, day by day. With both in school, my time with them is limited and even when we are together, they are more likely to have their head in a video game, a book or a dress-up make believe game that I am not privy to. Instead of days when I changed diapers, arranged play dates, attended playgroups, and entertained for hours on end my days are filled with conversations of who is said what at school, who likes whom and who is "so over" whom. Who got the lead in the grade music show and who wishes they did. What butterflies hatched this week or which days the MSP test is scheduled. I pack lunches, make meals, clean up, make sure everyone has clean clothing, clean bedding, that their rooms aren't condemned by the board of health (Kelton - are you listening? No matter how many times I clean your room, or stand over you while you clean it, you have to make an effort to KEEP it clean on a daily basis. Really, my child, it isn't that hard to put your stuff away or make your bed! Calling yourself a "mini hoarder" isn't really that endearing to me...the person who detests clutter but has had to learn to lower my standards on the issue once I had children.).
I get my work done, the chores, the errands...keep it all running as smoothly as possible. All of that is hardly post-worthy but it's something.
I miss the days of sharing stories about Kelton and his obsession with water (which, by the way, hasn't changed ONE. BIT. in the past 10 years. Just this afternoon, Kelton, Kaylen and the neighbor child asked of they could wash my car. Sure, why not. No harm, no foul. Except........*sigh* When will I learn to limit his access to water? Probably never. I keep hoping he will outgrow his need to spray everything and everyone in sight. I seriously doubt it will happen.), or how Kaylen would have tea parties with all her dolls every. single. afternoon. Or how they would sit and intently watch every second of Blue's Clues or Dora.
How did they grow into these children with lives of their own? Their world no longer revolves around me and I know this is just a taste of what is to come in the years ahead. My days no longer revolve around their minute by minute needs (though is still absolutely revolves around them). No naps to figure into the schedule. No craft project to do in the mornings. No play dough squished into the carpet.
Sometimes I read back through my archives and it makes me sad to know those days are over. But I am so glad I have a record of them. The silly things they said and did. The heartbreaking moments. The days that had me wanting to yank out every hair on my head (Oh I still have a few of those every now and again but they are different. Looking back - those times were easy compared to the hair pulling days of now.) I miss those days and while I love the people they are now, I absolutely miss the babies they were then. Life felt hard - I think it always does in the moment - but looking back, those were some precious and amazing days (and let's not forget terrifying with all of Kaylen's health issues and whatnot). And I know that given the passage of time, I will feel the same way about these days.
Life just keeps moving forward. Breath by breath, moment by moment.
Long gone are the days when I spun tales of what the children were doing, day by day. With both in school, my time with them is limited and even when we are together, they are more likely to have their head in a video game, a book or a dress-up make believe game that I am not privy to. Instead of days when I changed diapers, arranged play dates, attended playgroups, and entertained for hours on end my days are filled with conversations of who is said what at school, who likes whom and who is "so over" whom. Who got the lead in the grade music show and who wishes they did. What butterflies hatched this week or which days the MSP test is scheduled. I pack lunches, make meals, clean up, make sure everyone has clean clothing, clean bedding, that their rooms aren't condemned by the board of health (Kelton - are you listening? No matter how many times I clean your room, or stand over you while you clean it, you have to make an effort to KEEP it clean on a daily basis. Really, my child, it isn't that hard to put your stuff away or make your bed! Calling yourself a "mini hoarder" isn't really that endearing to me...the person who detests clutter but has had to learn to lower my standards on the issue once I had children.).
I get my work done, the chores, the errands...keep it all running as smoothly as possible. All of that is hardly post-worthy but it's something.
I miss the days of sharing stories about Kelton and his obsession with water (which, by the way, hasn't changed ONE. BIT. in the past 10 years. Just this afternoon, Kelton, Kaylen and the neighbor child asked of they could wash my car. Sure, why not. No harm, no foul. Except........*sigh* When will I learn to limit his access to water? Probably never. I keep hoping he will outgrow his need to spray everything and everyone in sight. I seriously doubt it will happen.), or how Kaylen would have tea parties with all her dolls every. single. afternoon. Or how they would sit and intently watch every second of Blue's Clues or Dora.
How did they grow into these children with lives of their own? Their world no longer revolves around me and I know this is just a taste of what is to come in the years ahead. My days no longer revolve around their minute by minute needs (though is still absolutely revolves around them). No naps to figure into the schedule. No craft project to do in the mornings. No play dough squished into the carpet.
Sometimes I read back through my archives and it makes me sad to know those days are over. But I am so glad I have a record of them. The silly things they said and did. The heartbreaking moments. The days that had me wanting to yank out every hair on my head (Oh I still have a few of those every now and again but they are different. Looking back - those times were easy compared to the hair pulling days of now.) I miss those days and while I love the people they are now, I absolutely miss the babies they were then. Life felt hard - I think it always does in the moment - but looking back, those were some precious and amazing days (and let's not forget terrifying with all of Kaylen's health issues and whatnot). And I know that given the passage of time, I will feel the same way about these days.
Life just keeps moving forward. Breath by breath, moment by moment.
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
An Unexpected Surprise
It's been a long week and it's only Wednesday. I've been putting in a lot of hours and trying to keep up on the kids and the house. I gave up on groceries earlier this week but decided that tonight I really needed to replace the milk that expired on April 27th and pick up a few other things to keep us going until I can do a real shopping trip.
The kids and I piled in the car and headed off to the grocery store. We got what we needed and as we started to head home, I decided that I really wanted to spend some much needed time with my kiddos instead of rushing home to put away groceries, make dinner, clean up dinner, etc., so I suggested we go to Red Robin for dinner. I knew it would be a hit to my budget but it's been months and months since the kids and I have had someone else make our dinner and clean up after us. Who knew that going out to eat would become such a huge extravagance in my life.
We pulled in, parked, and within minutes were being escorted to our table. On the way, we passed a familiar looking face - a teacher from the school, who was having dinner with her daughter. We waved at each other and the kids and I took our seat at our table. I turned my attention to the kids and they took turns sharing about their day at school and various other tidbits of information. We placed our orders and then went back to talking.
We had a very nice dinner and were completely enjoying our time together when it came time to pay the check. The waitress came over and handed me what I thought was my bill. At the top it said "Thanks, Casey! (heart) K. Morgan" I sat there completely confused - wondering how the waitress knew my name (and not connecting at all who had signed it). She jumped in and excitedly said "It was all very top secret at the time but your meals have been paid for." Then it hit me: K. Morgan. The teacher!
Tears immediately filled my eyes. The kids sat there in wonder and started peppering me with a million questions. What an amazing gift! It is truly stunning to me how many people I have touched with my work at the school and through the PTO and even more stunning to realize how much my work mattered over the years. It's so easy to get stuck in the day to day and not see the impact I have on those around me and now, as I am slowly starting to say my goodbyes to the school: the teachers, the staff, and the students; who have become my family over the past five years, I am finding that people are reaching out with their thanks and love. It's a fantastic feeling to know I mattered...and to know I will be missed. Because heaven knows I sure am going to miss all of them.
Thank you, Ms. Morgan. You made my day and thank you just doesn't seem like enough.
The kids and I piled in the car and headed off to the grocery store. We got what we needed and as we started to head home, I decided that I really wanted to spend some much needed time with my kiddos instead of rushing home to put away groceries, make dinner, clean up dinner, etc., so I suggested we go to Red Robin for dinner. I knew it would be a hit to my budget but it's been months and months since the kids and I have had someone else make our dinner and clean up after us. Who knew that going out to eat would become such a huge extravagance in my life.
We pulled in, parked, and within minutes were being escorted to our table. On the way, we passed a familiar looking face - a teacher from the school, who was having dinner with her daughter. We waved at each other and the kids and I took our seat at our table. I turned my attention to the kids and they took turns sharing about their day at school and various other tidbits of information. We placed our orders and then went back to talking.
We had a very nice dinner and were completely enjoying our time together when it came time to pay the check. The waitress came over and handed me what I thought was my bill. At the top it said "Thanks, Casey! (heart) K. Morgan" I sat there completely confused - wondering how the waitress knew my name (and not connecting at all who had signed it). She jumped in and excitedly said "It was all very top secret at the time but your meals have been paid for." Then it hit me: K. Morgan. The teacher!
Tears immediately filled my eyes. The kids sat there in wonder and started peppering me with a million questions. What an amazing gift! It is truly stunning to me how many people I have touched with my work at the school and through the PTO and even more stunning to realize how much my work mattered over the years. It's so easy to get stuck in the day to day and not see the impact I have on those around me and now, as I am slowly starting to say my goodbyes to the school: the teachers, the staff, and the students; who have become my family over the past five years, I am finding that people are reaching out with their thanks and love. It's a fantastic feeling to know I mattered...and to know I will be missed. Because heaven knows I sure am going to miss all of them.
Thank you, Ms. Morgan. You made my day and thank you just doesn't seem like enough.
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