Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Fifteen Years
Today is an anniversary for me. Fifteen years ago, right about now, I fell 6 feet from a fence and broke my back. Every day since then has really been a gift, since one of the first things I heard from the ER doctor after they discovered the break was "You are incredibly lucky. The type of fall you experienced can easily result in paralysis or death."
I will tell you though, there are some days it doesn't feel like I was lucky. Since that very cold morning, my life has never been the same. Pain, except for migraines, was a foreign concept to me. And even migraines...well....take something and they got better. This new world of pain is one that has been with me *every single day* in the past 15 years. Some days it can bring me to my knees. Other days, I do my best to ignore it.
The fall I had brought many changes to my life. Things I am not "medically cleared" to do. Things I shouldn't do, but do anyway because things have to get done, but for which I pay dearly in higher pain for days. It also brought, years later, syringomyelia which impacted greatly my already impacted abilities. The challenges of this condition are ones that affect me every single day. The pain, which I had learned to deal with, moved to a greater intensity and remains there. My pain is no longer primarily focused in one section of my back and instead, runs the entire length with more intense points along the way. My muscle strength is affected, my entire nervous system is impacted. My spinal fluid pressure, which fluctuates for everyone daily, can cause chaos inside me. Some days, I can't even twist the lid off a gallon of milk, let alone lift it. I'm grateful the kids are getting old enough to be of more help on my bad days. Kelton has learned to open jars for me and take lids off of things.
Fifteen years ago today - everything changed.
I remember once, a year into my recovery, shortly before my spinal fusion, my primary care doctor made the comment about how in five years I would look back and see how far I had come and how much more I was able to do. I'm still waiting for that day. I'm thinking it won't be coming BUT....I am alive and as healthy as I can be, all things considered. I'll take the pain and the limitations (and try not to show my frustration, and pain level, too much) over the possibility that the fall could have killed me.
Yes, I carried two babies to term. And I will tell you that never, in the entire 15 years, have I ever felt as good and had as low a level of pain as when I was pregnant. Pregnancy hormones were a good, good thing for me. I remember thinking that I wished there was a way I could stay pregnant forever because I just felt soooooo good!
Fifteen years ago.
I have constant pain to remind me at every single turn.
Time flies. And time crawls. All at the same time.
I will tell you though, there are some days it doesn't feel like I was lucky. Since that very cold morning, my life has never been the same. Pain, except for migraines, was a foreign concept to me. And even migraines...well....take something and they got better. This new world of pain is one that has been with me *every single day* in the past 15 years. Some days it can bring me to my knees. Other days, I do my best to ignore it.
The fall I had brought many changes to my life. Things I am not "medically cleared" to do. Things I shouldn't do, but do anyway because things have to get done, but for which I pay dearly in higher pain for days. It also brought, years later, syringomyelia which impacted greatly my already impacted abilities. The challenges of this condition are ones that affect me every single day. The pain, which I had learned to deal with, moved to a greater intensity and remains there. My pain is no longer primarily focused in one section of my back and instead, runs the entire length with more intense points along the way. My muscle strength is affected, my entire nervous system is impacted. My spinal fluid pressure, which fluctuates for everyone daily, can cause chaos inside me. Some days, I can't even twist the lid off a gallon of milk, let alone lift it. I'm grateful the kids are getting old enough to be of more help on my bad days. Kelton has learned to open jars for me and take lids off of things.
Fifteen years ago today - everything changed.
I remember once, a year into my recovery, shortly before my spinal fusion, my primary care doctor made the comment about how in five years I would look back and see how far I had come and how much more I was able to do. I'm still waiting for that day. I'm thinking it won't be coming BUT....I am alive and as healthy as I can be, all things considered. I'll take the pain and the limitations (and try not to show my frustration, and pain level, too much) over the possibility that the fall could have killed me.
Yes, I carried two babies to term. And I will tell you that never, in the entire 15 years, have I ever felt as good and had as low a level of pain as when I was pregnant. Pregnancy hormones were a good, good thing for me. I remember thinking that I wished there was a way I could stay pregnant forever because I just felt soooooo good!
Fifteen years ago.
I have constant pain to remind me at every single turn.
Time flies. And time crawls. All at the same time.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Ouch! My Ears!
I am sure half the town just heard a deafening scream from a very excited almost 7 year old. As for Kelton and I...well..I think we have suffered serious hearing loss. :)
I just told Kaylen that she can indeed get her ears pierced and oh my goodness is she excited! She now knows what she wants to ask for in regards to birthday gifts: ear rings. And a place to keep them all, of course. (That's more from me than her... but whatever.)
I'm a bit nervous. I have a recommendation of a good place to take her too. And I plan to do a bit more mommy-research before just plopping her down in a chair. I'm sure I don't need to find anyone with liability insurance for ear piercing but....maybe I do. :)
It's kind of funny that I never gave two thoughts about anything when, at 17, I decided to defy my parents and get my ears pierced (I was forbidden until I was 18.). I just went to the mall with some friends, slapped down the money and slid into the chair. With two "bangs" it was done. I added a third a few years later but again, I didn't give a single thought to where I went.
As a parent, I find I second guess my decisions when it comes to the health and safety of my children. I try to keep in mind that life is just a series of calculated risks. All I can do is assess the situation and make the best decision I can at the time with the information I have. Is it safe to let Kelton walk around the block alone to get in his newly required physical activity for school? It is safe to let the two of them ride their bikes around the block together but without me? Is it safe to let them out of my sight for two minutes? Is it safe to let Kaylen stand, waiting for the bus, alone in front of the house for five minutes while I wrangle Kelton into getting his stuff together to go out? Is it safe to take my daughter to the mall to get her ears pierced? I'm constantly questioning the safety of situations for them and this is no different.
But alas....I know millions of people have piercings and 99.5% of those people suffered no serious consequences. And yet...those millions are not my child. My flesh and blood. My responsibility.
So onward we go. My baby girl will be getting her ears pierced.
(And I suddenly understand why my parents said I couldn't until I was an adult. I'm sorry I defied you, Mom and Dad. But in my (lame) defense, I was only 6 months from being 18 years old.)
I just told Kaylen that she can indeed get her ears pierced and oh my goodness is she excited! She now knows what she wants to ask for in regards to birthday gifts: ear rings. And a place to keep them all, of course. (That's more from me than her... but whatever.)
I'm a bit nervous. I have a recommendation of a good place to take her too. And I plan to do a bit more mommy-research before just plopping her down in a chair. I'm sure I don't need to find anyone with liability insurance for ear piercing but....maybe I do. :)
It's kind of funny that I never gave two thoughts about anything when, at 17, I decided to defy my parents and get my ears pierced (I was forbidden until I was 18.). I just went to the mall with some friends, slapped down the money and slid into the chair. With two "bangs" it was done. I added a third a few years later but again, I didn't give a single thought to where I went.
As a parent, I find I second guess my decisions when it comes to the health and safety of my children. I try to keep in mind that life is just a series of calculated risks. All I can do is assess the situation and make the best decision I can at the time with the information I have. Is it safe to let Kelton walk around the block alone to get in his newly required physical activity for school? It is safe to let the two of them ride their bikes around the block together but without me? Is it safe to let them out of my sight for two minutes? Is it safe to let Kaylen stand, waiting for the bus, alone in front of the house for five minutes while I wrangle Kelton into getting his stuff together to go out? Is it safe to take my daughter to the mall to get her ears pierced? I'm constantly questioning the safety of situations for them and this is no different.
But alas....I know millions of people have piercings and 99.5% of those people suffered no serious consequences. And yet...those millions are not my child. My flesh and blood. My responsibility.
So onward we go. My baby girl will be getting her ears pierced.
(And I suddenly understand why my parents said I couldn't until I was an adult. I'm sorry I defied you, Mom and Dad. But in my (lame) defense, I was only 6 months from being 18 years old.)
Kaylen Gets Ready to Turn Seven
In exactly one month to the day, my six year old will magically transform into a seven year old. I can't believe it, though I'm starting to because every day when I look at her, I can see how much she is changing and turning into a "big kid" instead of my "little kid".
She wants a Barbie themed party this year. Where did unicorns go? It seemed like she wanted a unicorn birthday for years on end. Or princesses. Now her world revolves around Barbie. And Junie B. Jones books. I swear she devours those books!
She wants to get her ears pierced for her birthday. I pushed her off this summer when she started in asking. I told her she would have to wait and maybe we could talk about it closer to her 7th birthday. Here we are, and the conversation has resurfaced. For the life of me, I can't think of why not.
She is one of the most responsible children I know. She wears her glasses every day and reaches for them first thing in the morning. She takes care of them quite well for a 6 year old - and does her best to remember to take them off when she and her brother get to wrestling. She patches her eye every single day without being reminded - even though she really doesn't like it. (She is hoping the eye doctor will release her from the patch next week when we see him again. I'm hoping too.) She does the patching at school. On her own. Each and every day.
I know she would be responsible with pierced ears.
There would be no need to get lapel pins custom made to remind her to turn the piercing studs or clean them with the antiseptic. She would probably have it all done before I could even remind her.
Sometimes I worry about her need to be ultra responsible but really? It's kind of nice to have a child who is two steps ahead getting her "have to's" done on a regular basis. Her teacher is constantly telling me she is a teachers dream student because of her level of commitment to anything and everything she does.
And it's true.
And I'm going to pretend that it isn't because she has an irrational fear of failing or of stepping one step out of line. Instead, I'm going to go with it and encourage her to always do her best. So far, it's paying off! Just last night she told me she wants to go to a "good college. Like Yale." and then asked me if I think she could do it. YES! was my answer. Oh my sweet child, there is NOTHING you and your brother can not do if you really want to.
Seven, huh? Seems like just last year at this time she was five. Oh wait. She was. :)
She wants a Barbie themed party this year. Where did unicorns go? It seemed like she wanted a unicorn birthday for years on end. Or princesses. Now her world revolves around Barbie. And Junie B. Jones books. I swear she devours those books!
She wants to get her ears pierced for her birthday. I pushed her off this summer when she started in asking. I told her she would have to wait and maybe we could talk about it closer to her 7th birthday. Here we are, and the conversation has resurfaced. For the life of me, I can't think of why not.
She is one of the most responsible children I know. She wears her glasses every day and reaches for them first thing in the morning. She takes care of them quite well for a 6 year old - and does her best to remember to take them off when she and her brother get to wrestling. She patches her eye every single day without being reminded - even though she really doesn't like it. (She is hoping the eye doctor will release her from the patch next week when we see him again. I'm hoping too.) She does the patching at school. On her own. Each and every day.
I know she would be responsible with pierced ears.
There would be no need to get lapel pins custom made to remind her to turn the piercing studs or clean them with the antiseptic. She would probably have it all done before I could even remind her.
Sometimes I worry about her need to be ultra responsible but really? It's kind of nice to have a child who is two steps ahead getting her "have to's" done on a regular basis. Her teacher is constantly telling me she is a teachers dream student because of her level of commitment to anything and everything she does.
And it's true.
And I'm going to pretend that it isn't because she has an irrational fear of failing or of stepping one step out of line. Instead, I'm going to go with it and encourage her to always do her best. So far, it's paying off! Just last night she told me she wants to go to a "good college. Like Yale." and then asked me if I think she could do it. YES! was my answer. Oh my sweet child, there is NOTHING you and your brother can not do if you really want to.
Seven, huh? Seems like just last year at this time she was five. Oh wait. She was. :)
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Better Late Than Never
So the news, splashing across Facebook today, is that Kristy McNichol has finally come out publicly. She is quoted as saying something to the effect of "I'm turning 50 and I want to live without fear...or not live a lie..." or something like that.
Kudos to her. Really.
I'm just wondering why it takes people so long to stand up and say "This is who I am." It's not like she had a huge romantic lead actress reputation to protect (and even then...come out!! It can only help others.). She hasn't even been on TV since the 90's. She has, however, been living with her partner of over two decades. WHAT? Seriously. I don't get it. I actually feel bad for her partner for being kept a secret. I have been a secret before and it feels awful. I will NEVER be someones secret again.
Did she ever once think how her coming out with her sexuality would help others? You know, back in the day when people knew who she was (and come on - we all KNEW she was gay). Did she ever wonder if she could help some other teen maybe not go down the road of prescription drug abuse addiction (or worse) as they tried to hide who they were for fear of retribution?
Here is something else I wondered this morning, as I read the article: where was Meredith Baxter-Birney in all this? She was a co-star on Family with Kristy McNichol. She came out a few years back. Did she ever reach back to help someone who clearly was struggling?
How can we, as a gay society, hold the straight society responsible for not being more understanding if we, as gay people aren't more understanding and helpful towards each other? Kristy, for her own reasons, kept her life a secret (and, her partner was therefore held as "less than" because the relationship was denied publicly) but if we would all stop living secret lives and just put ourselves out there, the world just might be a completely different place. And maybe, just maybe, the bullying and suicides in our young people would go down...and maybe just stop all together.
If we all stand strong, if we all stand proud of who we are....imagine what a difference we could all make.
Good for you, Kristy. I'm proud you finally stepped up. I'm happier still for your partner who can now actually be *seen* as your partner.
Now how about the rest of you still hiding behind your closet doors? Come out, come out where ever you are!
Kudos to her. Really.
I'm just wondering why it takes people so long to stand up and say "This is who I am." It's not like she had a huge romantic lead actress reputation to protect (and even then...come out!! It can only help others.). She hasn't even been on TV since the 90's. She has, however, been living with her partner of over two decades. WHAT? Seriously. I don't get it. I actually feel bad for her partner for being kept a secret. I have been a secret before and it feels awful. I will NEVER be someones secret again.
Did she ever once think how her coming out with her sexuality would help others? You know, back in the day when people knew who she was (and come on - we all KNEW she was gay). Did she ever wonder if she could help some other teen maybe not go down the road of prescription drug abuse addiction (or worse) as they tried to hide who they were for fear of retribution?
Here is something else I wondered this morning, as I read the article: where was Meredith Baxter-Birney in all this? She was a co-star on Family with Kristy McNichol. She came out a few years back. Did she ever reach back to help someone who clearly was struggling?
How can we, as a gay society, hold the straight society responsible for not being more understanding if we, as gay people aren't more understanding and helpful towards each other? Kristy, for her own reasons, kept her life a secret (and, her partner was therefore held as "less than" because the relationship was denied publicly) but if we would all stop living secret lives and just put ourselves out there, the world just might be a completely different place. And maybe, just maybe, the bullying and suicides in our young people would go down...and maybe just stop all together.
If we all stand strong, if we all stand proud of who we are....imagine what a difference we could all make.
Good for you, Kristy. I'm proud you finally stepped up. I'm happier still for your partner who can now actually be *seen* as your partner.
Now how about the rest of you still hiding behind your closet doors? Come out, come out where ever you are!
Sunday
It's Sunday and the kids and Dakota decided to have an impromptu lunch out together. It was a little strange to have her come and pick them up a bit ago but they are all happy and the kids will be back soon. I didn't really have plans today anyway...just hanging out having an "at home" lazy Sunday.
Stephanie and I have been working our way through the Gilmore Girls series so we have already watched a few episodes of that today and will probably watch more later. Right now, she is snoozing (Sunday naps are the best, don'tcha think?) and I am catching up on a few things. Sure - instead of blogging I could be watching mindless TV with the commercials that repeat at annoying intervals. ProActive? Really? Your commercials are *every where*. I'm growing tired of them. Maybe they wouldn't be so bad if they were 30 seconds instead of three minutes. I'd even take a minute but really? They are just tooooooo long.
I don't so much mind the ones for the best eyelash growth products or even the No No shaving egg thing. At least they are compact commercials.
I think commercials are the reason people have gone to TiVo's and DVR's. I know, that for me, I would much rather watch a TV show hours, or even days later, if it means avoiding all the commercials. I know that is how they pay for the shows and all but come on.......it's past the point of ridiculous with how many commercials they throw in there.
Huh. Apparently I have strong feelings on the subject. Who knew. :)
I think I'll get off my soap box and go back to having a lazy Sunday. Tomorrow is Monday and it's shaping up to be an unexpectedly very busy day. Oh joy.
Stephanie and I have been working our way through the Gilmore Girls series so we have already watched a few episodes of that today and will probably watch more later. Right now, she is snoozing (Sunday naps are the best, don'tcha think?) and I am catching up on a few things. Sure - instead of blogging I could be watching mindless TV with the commercials that repeat at annoying intervals. ProActive? Really? Your commercials are *every where*. I'm growing tired of them. Maybe they wouldn't be so bad if they were 30 seconds instead of three minutes. I'd even take a minute but really? They are just tooooooo long.
I don't so much mind the ones for the best eyelash growth products or even the No No shaving egg thing. At least they are compact commercials.
I think commercials are the reason people have gone to TiVo's and DVR's. I know, that for me, I would much rather watch a TV show hours, or even days later, if it means avoiding all the commercials. I know that is how they pay for the shows and all but come on.......it's past the point of ridiculous with how many commercials they throw in there.
Huh. Apparently I have strong feelings on the subject. Who knew. :)
I think I'll get off my soap box and go back to having a lazy Sunday. Tomorrow is Monday and it's shaping up to be an unexpectedly very busy day. Oh joy.
Saturday, January 07, 2012
Five Days Later
Here we are - 5 days after saying Good Bye to Jordan and I will say that we are all settling in. Kaylen still refuses to let me wash her bedding (though I told her the day was coming soon) and Kelton sleeps with a big, floppy stuffed dog that he got the day after he was born. He calls it his "Jordan dog". Maddie is doing ok but still wanders aimlessly, hates to be crated when I leave and well...hates when I leave the house. He big eyes are sad but she is slowly adjusting to life as the lone dog.
I'm doing ok. The first couple days were rough but sleep....well....as it turns out, sleep is an amazing thing. I still need to train myself to get back to sleeping better (and not waking up 3-4 times) but, on a good night, I am logging 8-9 hours of sleep which is HOURS longer than I have logged per night in a very long time. I have more stamina for the day, more patience and I'm not looking at the clock in the afternoon counting the minutes until I can crawl under the covers.
Who knew sleep was so important?!?! :)
I was up twice last night but neither time was because of an animal or a child. Can I say how strange it feels?
I do miss Jordan but I could really get used to this thing called sleep.
I'm doing ok. The first couple days were rough but sleep....well....as it turns out, sleep is an amazing thing. I still need to train myself to get back to sleeping better (and not waking up 3-4 times) but, on a good night, I am logging 8-9 hours of sleep which is HOURS longer than I have logged per night in a very long time. I have more stamina for the day, more patience and I'm not looking at the clock in the afternoon counting the minutes until I can crawl under the covers.
Who knew sleep was so important?!?! :)
I was up twice last night but neither time was because of an animal or a child. Can I say how strange it feels?
I do miss Jordan but I could really get used to this thing called sleep.
Where's the Snow???
I read a Facebook update from a friend on the East Coast this morning. It said something to the effect of "Is that a lawnmower I hear?"
It seems to be a common theme across the country: WHERE IS THE SNOW??
The days, for the most part, here in the Great Northwest, have been hovering around 50. FIFTY! That is crazy! So far, we haven't had any days or nights in the teens which is unusual. We usually have a really good cold snap but not this year. At least, not yet. I'm still hoping for one.
The kids and I pray for snow daily.
Instead though, there are some days when I don't even grab a jacket when I head outside. There is clearly no need for heated motorcycle clothing for those who are out riding their motorcycles. In fact, let me just be astonished by this fact: people are out RIDING THEIR MOTORCYCLES! This is crazy for January.
So where is the snow??!?!?!?!
It seems to be a common theme across the country: WHERE IS THE SNOW??
The days, for the most part, here in the Great Northwest, have been hovering around 50. FIFTY! That is crazy! So far, we haven't had any days or nights in the teens which is unusual. We usually have a really good cold snap but not this year. At least, not yet. I'm still hoping for one.
The kids and I pray for snow daily.
Instead though, there are some days when I don't even grab a jacket when I head outside. There is clearly no need for heated motorcycle clothing for those who are out riding their motorcycles. In fact, let me just be astonished by this fact: people are out RIDING THEIR MOTORCYCLES! This is crazy for January.
So where is the snow??!?!?!?!
Christmas Has Left the Building
After nine weeks of Christmas decorations, I am sad to say that we boxed everything up yesterday and put it away for another year. I know that nine weeks seems like a long time but for the kids and I, it went way too fast. Kaylen is so sad to have everything gone and I have to agree with her - the house is boring without the lights and colors. I put up the Valentine's Day decorations I have but they are so not the same. Still - better than nothing.
This morning, Kaylen and I took a quick trip to the grocery store and, on the way there, we saw a big Christmas tree recycling event in the parking lot of a church. Kaylen was full of questions: Why do they chip up the trees? What do they do with all the chipped up trees?
Composting is right up this child's alley. I'm pretty sure a good Christmas gift for her would have been a tumbling composter. All things garden related she is all over. I feel kind of bad because she didn't get to garden as much this past summer as she has in years gone by. I'm NOT a gardener and getting dirty isn't really my thing BUT..she loves it which means I see spring garden clean up in my future. Homemade soil would be a really good thing to have on hand, wouldn't it? :)
This morning, Kaylen and I took a quick trip to the grocery store and, on the way there, we saw a big Christmas tree recycling event in the parking lot of a church. Kaylen was full of questions: Why do they chip up the trees? What do they do with all the chipped up trees?
Composting is right up this child's alley. I'm pretty sure a good Christmas gift for her would have been a tumbling composter. All things garden related she is all over. I feel kind of bad because she didn't get to garden as much this past summer as she has in years gone by. I'm NOT a gardener and getting dirty isn't really my thing BUT..she loves it which means I see spring garden clean up in my future. Homemade soil would be a really good thing to have on hand, wouldn't it? :)
Crazy Friday
Yesterday was a strange but good day. I started the day off doing a bit of freelance work and, in the middle of it, I received a text from a friend asking if I wanted to meet for coffee. We made plans and I went about the rest of my morning and then drove to a nearby Starbucks to meet her. We chatted for a while and caught up on each others lives, which was awesome. All too soon, it was time to say goodbye. I came back home and got busy working on bills, PTO things and answering some emails that had come in. *BING* My text went off again. Same friend; saying thank you for meeting, let's do it again soon and "oh...did I mention (insert life changing information here)." (And no - I'm not going to tell you what that info is because I am a good friend and it is not my news to share.)
The texts flew fast and furious for a few minutes as I tried to figure out why, when I asked "So what's new with you?" she said "Oh not much...." I text'd her a sassy response saying that when I used that opening line, it would have been a good time to have decided to share it with me instead of ...you know...TWO hours later, after we said our goodbyes. :)
Anyway - I said "This is too big for text. When can you meet again?" "Now." came the answer. So I finished what I was working on and drove to another Starbucks. I'm telling you, I spent so many hours in Starbucks yesterday that I think I can name all their restaurant equipment. Hee hee.
So we met for another little while as she brought me up to date. I gave my thoughts on everything she was saying and it was a really good conversation. We ended our second meeting when it was time for me to get home to meet the school bus. Not nearly enough time to talk about everything she needs to talk about but a really good starting place. We left with the promise to get together more often for face to face catch up time. Texting is fine, and we do that often, but nothing beats the open hearted, face to face communication and back and forth "thinking out loud" process.
I don't envy the road she is on but I do support her 100% with whatever she decides is her best option. Because that is what friends do.
The texts flew fast and furious for a few minutes as I tried to figure out why, when I asked "So what's new with you?" she said "Oh not much...." I text'd her a sassy response saying that when I used that opening line, it would have been a good time to have decided to share it with me instead of ...you know...TWO hours later, after we said our goodbyes. :)
Anyway - I said "This is too big for text. When can you meet again?" "Now." came the answer. So I finished what I was working on and drove to another Starbucks. I'm telling you, I spent so many hours in Starbucks yesterday that I think I can name all their restaurant equipment. Hee hee.
So we met for another little while as she brought me up to date. I gave my thoughts on everything she was saying and it was a really good conversation. We ended our second meeting when it was time for me to get home to meet the school bus. Not nearly enough time to talk about everything she needs to talk about but a really good starting place. We left with the promise to get together more often for face to face catch up time. Texting is fine, and we do that often, but nothing beats the open hearted, face to face communication and back and forth "thinking out loud" process.
I don't envy the road she is on but I do support her 100% with whatever she decides is her best option. Because that is what friends do.
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
Resolves Revisited
Last year, on January 3rd, I posted a list of things I was resolving to do in 2011. I printed out a hard copy and, instead of tucking it away in a drawer of a roll top desk, I posted it near my bathroom mirror, where I have read it nearly each and every day of the past 365 days. I've heard that if you post your goals, you are more likely to achieve them.
I'm going to add here, before going any further, that this was a HUGE list which basically would have completely reinvented myself. I shouldn't be surprised I didn't hit all of them - and I'm not. I'm actually quite proud of myself for doing as many of them as I did.
Let's recap, shall we?
I Resolve.....
...to be kind even when those around me are not.
I did really well with this one. Not 100% of the time but enough that I am satisfied with my progress to "hold my tongue". I'm a work in progress though...as we all are. :)
...to spend time taking care of me instead of everyone but me.
I think I have done well moving myself up the priority list - even when others didn't so much enjoy me putting myself ahead of what they wanted to me do. There have been rough moments with this one but I truly believe that I need to matter, too.
...to learn to trust again.
Work in progress, remember? Though I will say for as far as I have to go on this one, I am leaps and bounds ahead of last year.
...to remind myself that I *am* worth it...I am worth the effort to get to know and understand.
Should I just label this one as WIP (work in progress) too? I am finding this one exceptionally challenging though I am working hard to retrain my immediate "go to" of "not worth the time or trouble".
...to put myself at the head of the list.
See above. Making strides.
...to find peace.
Ummm........I have found *moments* of peace. And for now, that's better than I had so I'm going with it. :)
...to do more things for myself just because I'm worth it.
I think I am doing so much better on this one - though it is challenging.
...to find at least one thing to be happy about each and every day.
I have had days where I focused on many happy things...and then I had days that dragged me under the bus. HOWEVER...I am trying to remind myself of how lucky and blessed I am on a regular basis. I have more "happy" than not now though, so I'm taking this one as a win.
...to spend time alone. A lot of time alone.
I have done this and done it well. I'm happy to say I can be alone and I am completely fine alone. I will also say that being alone/loner isn't what I want or who I am. I am glad to know I can be completely fine alone when I want to be or have to be. So again, WIN!
...to build a great life for the kids and me.
Work in progress...but the three of us are doing very well. We are more settled and cohesive than we were a year ago.
...to stop letting others opinions of me get the best of me.
This is hard for me but I am trying to keep in mind that what you think of me is none of my business. I am doing the best I can at being the person I am.
...to learn to tame my anxiety and stress level.
I'm better than I was. Most days. Though I have made a distinct correlation between taking on the weight of others opinion of me and my anxiety and stress level. So now the trick is to really not let others have that sort of control over me.
...to spend more time with friends.
I don't have a ton of in-real-life friends, but I do have a few and I have spent time with them. I don't have as much time as I would like to spend one on one with them but I do share my life with people which is the point of having friends.
...to laugh more and cry less.
DEFINITELY.
...to be the best mother possible to my children but not at the expense of losing myself again.
I'm calling a win on this one.
...to find who I am, what I want and what I need.
Work in progress, remember? I do have a more clear sense of all three though, which is way above where I started.
...to be true to myself and trust that it will all work out as it should.
This is a challenge but I am continuing to do my best on a daily basis. Some days, I succeed. Some days, I fail.
...to let go of the hurt, betrayal and heartbreak and move forward happily
I'm going to say that yes, I have let go and am moving on. I'm not perfect and some moments I fall backwards but overall, I'm moving forward and I am VERY happy.
So...for 2012, I'm going to continue working on these goals and I will add only one thing: Love like I've never loved before. And that includes everything: people, animals, hobbies...anything and everything I do I will do with as much passion as I can muster. I will grab ahold of life and love it for all it is worth - and it's worth a lot!
I'm going to add here, before going any further, that this was a HUGE list which basically would have completely reinvented myself. I shouldn't be surprised I didn't hit all of them - and I'm not. I'm actually quite proud of myself for doing as many of them as I did.
Let's recap, shall we?
I Resolve.....
...to be kind even when those around me are not.
I did really well with this one. Not 100% of the time but enough that I am satisfied with my progress to "hold my tongue". I'm a work in progress though...as we all are. :)
...to spend time taking care of me instead of everyone but me.
I think I have done well moving myself up the priority list - even when others didn't so much enjoy me putting myself ahead of what they wanted to me do. There have been rough moments with this one but I truly believe that I need to matter, too.
...to learn to trust again.
Work in progress, remember? Though I will say for as far as I have to go on this one, I am leaps and bounds ahead of last year.
...to remind myself that I *am* worth it...I am worth the effort to get to know and understand.
Should I just label this one as WIP (work in progress) too? I am finding this one exceptionally challenging though I am working hard to retrain my immediate "go to" of "not worth the time or trouble".
...to put myself at the head of the list.
See above. Making strides.
...to find peace.
Ummm........I have found *moments* of peace. And for now, that's better than I had so I'm going with it. :)
...to do more things for myself just because I'm worth it.
I think I am doing so much better on this one - though it is challenging.
...to find at least one thing to be happy about each and every day.
I have had days where I focused on many happy things...and then I had days that dragged me under the bus. HOWEVER...I am trying to remind myself of how lucky and blessed I am on a regular basis. I have more "happy" than not now though, so I'm taking this one as a win.
...to spend time alone. A lot of time alone.
I have done this and done it well. I'm happy to say I can be alone and I am completely fine alone. I will also say that being alone/loner isn't what I want or who I am. I am glad to know I can be completely fine alone when I want to be or have to be. So again, WIN!
...to build a great life for the kids and me.
Work in progress...but the three of us are doing very well. We are more settled and cohesive than we were a year ago.
...to stop letting others opinions of me get the best of me.
This is hard for me but I am trying to keep in mind that what you think of me is none of my business. I am doing the best I can at being the person I am.
...to learn to tame my anxiety and stress level.
I'm better than I was. Most days. Though I have made a distinct correlation between taking on the weight of others opinion of me and my anxiety and stress level. So now the trick is to really not let others have that sort of control over me.
...to spend more time with friends.
I don't have a ton of in-real-life friends, but I do have a few and I have spent time with them. I don't have as much time as I would like to spend one on one with them but I do share my life with people which is the point of having friends.
...to laugh more and cry less.
DEFINITELY.
...to be the best mother possible to my children but not at the expense of losing myself again.
I'm calling a win on this one.
...to find who I am, what I want and what I need.
Work in progress, remember? I do have a more clear sense of all three though, which is way above where I started.
...to be true to myself and trust that it will all work out as it should.
This is a challenge but I am continuing to do my best on a daily basis. Some days, I succeed. Some days, I fail.
...to let go of the hurt, betrayal and heartbreak and move forward happily
I'm going to say that yes, I have let go and am moving on. I'm not perfect and some moments I fall backwards but overall, I'm moving forward and I am VERY happy.
So...for 2012, I'm going to continue working on these goals and I will add only one thing: Love like I've never loved before. And that includes everything: people, animals, hobbies...anything and everything I do I will do with as much passion as I can muster. I will grab ahold of life and love it for all it is worth - and it's worth a lot!
Focusing on the Good
I was thinking last night about all the pets I have lost over the past 18 years. The number is startling to me. To bring it into perspective, when I moved here, there were 5 cats and 2 dogs. Of those original 7 animals, only 1 cat remains. Added to that one cat, is Maddie, who joined the family almost 4 years ago, and Zip, who came last year. Before moving here, I had gone through the loss of three others. That makes 9 animals...or 36 furry paws I have loved and lost. Wow.
Jordan is definitely being missed, though the kids and I were happy to realize that we were *not* missing his ummmmm.....gassy explosion smells. Who knew that it was all coming from him?!?! I feel bad for blaming Maddie, too. :) So - of all the things we are missing, we were able to happily focus on the one thing we are definitely NOT missing. :)
I absolutely want to get the carpets cleaned now that he is gone. Last time I had them cleaned, they stayed that way for exactly 23 hours. I have a feeling they will stay clean much longer now. Again, one more good thing to focus on.
And guess what? There is more room on the couch now. The three of us, and Maddie, can fit across the regular sized couch where before, it was a good day if we could fit two people and Jordan on it. I guess there is no need to research sectional sofas los angeles style now.
Hey - I'm trying to find all the positives I can. Losing Jordan has been painful.
OH! And I actually slept clear through to my alarm clock this morning! Do you know that I have only slept to my alarm once in the past 6 months?!?! AND......I was only up twice last night. Once for my own reason and once to let Maddie into my room. PARTY!!!
Not worthy of celebration, you say? I say you haven't lived my life in the past couple of years. Sleeping in large blocks of time has been unheard of for me. I have great hope as to what sleeping will do for me. I keep hearing stories of how sleep is good...and important. I will haev to let you know how my research pans out. :)
So here's to the good parts. And here is to hoping the kids, Maddie, and I adjust to the big empty hole we have in our lives and in our hearts.
Jordan is definitely being missed, though the kids and I were happy to realize that we were *not* missing his ummmmm.....gassy explosion smells. Who knew that it was all coming from him?!?! I feel bad for blaming Maddie, too. :) So - of all the things we are missing, we were able to happily focus on the one thing we are definitely NOT missing. :)
I absolutely want to get the carpets cleaned now that he is gone. Last time I had them cleaned, they stayed that way for exactly 23 hours. I have a feeling they will stay clean much longer now. Again, one more good thing to focus on.
And guess what? There is more room on the couch now. The three of us, and Maddie, can fit across the regular sized couch where before, it was a good day if we could fit two people and Jordan on it. I guess there is no need to research sectional sofas los angeles style now.
Hey - I'm trying to find all the positives I can. Losing Jordan has been painful.
OH! And I actually slept clear through to my alarm clock this morning! Do you know that I have only slept to my alarm once in the past 6 months?!?! AND......I was only up twice last night. Once for my own reason and once to let Maddie into my room. PARTY!!!
Not worthy of celebration, you say? I say you haven't lived my life in the past couple of years. Sleeping in large blocks of time has been unheard of for me. I have great hope as to what sleeping will do for me. I keep hearing stories of how sleep is good...and important. I will haev to let you know how my research pans out. :)
So here's to the good parts. And here is to hoping the kids, Maddie, and I adjust to the big empty hole we have in our lives and in our hearts.
FRBO
I am dreaming of a vacation. I think I always dream of vacations. Vacations are good....and fun. They can also be expensive and daunting.
My ideal vacation is time at the beach. I don't have lofty dreams. I have no desire to go to Europe. I have no desire to spend hours upon hours of traveling to get somewhere. I have no desire to need a passport. I am not high maintenance in the vacation department, that's for sure. Driving for 1 hour and 40 minutes can take me to my perfect escape - Seaside or Cannon Beach. An hour up or down the coast can take me to various other seaside towns. It's perfection at its best for me.
So imagine my delight when I cam across a website called For Rent By Owner (or, as is hip to do, the abbreviation of frbo)and for those of you dreaming of dreams far grander than I, it appears to be a global database.
Now...I personally find it kind of weird to be in someone elses home (bed and breakfast places are definitely not my style and neither was renting a condo or a house for a week that was someones second home) but different strokes for different folks, and all that.
Might be worth a look-see. Even for me. :)
My ideal vacation is time at the beach. I don't have lofty dreams. I have no desire to go to Europe. I have no desire to spend hours upon hours of traveling to get somewhere. I have no desire to need a passport. I am not high maintenance in the vacation department, that's for sure. Driving for 1 hour and 40 minutes can take me to my perfect escape - Seaside or Cannon Beach. An hour up or down the coast can take me to various other seaside towns. It's perfection at its best for me.
So imagine my delight when I cam across a website called For Rent By Owner (or, as is hip to do, the abbreviation of frbo)and for those of you dreaming of dreams far grander than I, it appears to be a global database.
Now...I personally find it kind of weird to be in someone elses home (bed and breakfast places are definitely not my style and neither was renting a condo or a house for a week that was someones second home) but different strokes for different folks, and all that.
Might be worth a look-see. Even for me. :)
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Jordan
I had thought that this past weekend would have been different. I had planned to upload Christmas photos and share stories of Christmas, both here and up with my family. I thought it would be all happy, happy, joy, joy but alas, as is often the case, God laughs while I make plans.
Instead of sharing with all of you the happiness of the holiday season and the start of the New Year, I sat and cradled the head my 14.5 year old Dalmatian as I said my thanks and goodbye to him.
Jordan McKay Duncan was a dog I never thought I wanted. He, and his brother, Pixel, were strays that a friend of Dakota's adopted from a shelter when they were 18 months old. She had only wanted Pixel but couldn't leave Jordan behind because he was slated to be put down at the end of that day. She called us and asked if we would take him.
We went to meet him on October 31st and upon meeting me for the first time, he lifted his leg and peed all over me. Not really a great way to endear yourself to me but to him, I think he was marking me as his own. We took him home where he joined 6 month old Jaxon.
The years went by and he grew older but he was always, always, always a wonderful dog with so much love to give. He wormed his way onto my couches and my bed....and definitely my heart.
The last two years have been trying with him. The last year was the hardest I ever went through with an animal. Through it all, I loved him because getting old isn't graceful and it isn't fun......and it was no different for Jordan. It felt like once the kids were both sleeping through the night, Jordan began his numerous nighttime wakings and needing outside. His accidents, too many to count. His getting off schedule and demanding to be fed at 2am for months on end. Believe me, if Jordan wasn't sleeping, I wasn't sleeping either. There have been many nights I logged a pitiful 3 hours of sleep while taking care of Jordan's needs and cleaning up messes.
I honestly believe that Jordan single paw-edly kept SpotShot carpet spot removal in business. He gave my washer and dryer a run for their money. He tried my patience. And even though I would tell myself I wouldn't miss him when he was gone, I knew it would be far from the truth.
Through it all, those big brown eyes would look at me and say "I'm sorry. I love you and I am so sorry to make such messes." And I would forgive him over and over and over as I scrubbed poop out of carpets.
My life revolved around Jordan for the past 18 months. I couldn't be gone for more than a couple hours unless he was gated in the kitchen. And even then, I would often come home to messes. Every moment was consumed with "Does Jordan need out? Does he need medicine? Is he ok? What does he need now?" and the like. It was exhausting. Completely overwhelming and utterly exhausting. But it was my life.
And then...the kids and I got home from Seattle on the 31st. The kids left with Dakota around 5pm and I headed out to Stephanie's to celebrate the New Year. I was back home by 1am to take care of the dogs. I let the dogs out in the backyard to do what dogs need to do except the fireworks were so loud that Maddie got completely wound up. She charged at Jordan, trying to get him to play. Jordan, being unsteady on his legs because his back knees were so weak (from his days of rough play with Jaxon and, as it turns out, perhaps hereditary issues as well) was knocked off balance. I could tell immediately that he was hurt. He limped his way back into the house. I gave him a pain pill to help and I was hoped he would "walk it off" the next day and I started getting everyone settled in for the night. He wanted up on Kaylen's bed. I helped him, as usual, get up on it. Then...after I left the room, he jumped down. The thud and cries were heartbreaking.
I ran in and sat with him until he was calm. I helped him up and tried to get him to sleep on the floor. Nothing doing - he wanted the bed. I helped him up and he stayed there until 6am. He got down on his own and limped outside, then ate his breakfast and, with help, went back to bed. At 8am he got up again without falling but was clearly in pain. I gave him more medication to help. By 830am he couldn't walk without assistance and he would fall to the ground over and over. I sat with him and kept him calm.
At 9:30 I text'd Dakota to fill her in and we made a plan. Having been up very late to celebrate the New Year, the kids were still sleeping. They were up, an hour later, the four of them got ready and headed over. At that point, I had been sitting on the floor with Jordan for a few hours. Stephanie had spent a couple hours talking with me on the phone and listened to me as I talked about Jordan's younger years and all the emotions I was dealing with at that moment. I am so thankful for that connection because sitting with him, knowing what was coming, was painful. I realized losing him was going to be far more difficult than I had been telling myself for the past year.
Finally, around 12:30, Dakota, and everyone, showed up. I was hesitant about having the kids there but it turned out to be a really good thing. They were able to see for themselves that he was in bad shape and I think it helped them understand a bit why we had to make the choice we did.
Kaylen wanted pictures taken with him so we took photos and everyone had some time to say goodbye. We couldn't get him up to get him to the car so we scooted a blanket under him and we all carried him out to the car. Dakota and Vicki went with Jordan and I stayed with the kids.
It was absolutely gut-wrenching to watch them drive away. I pulled myself together for the sake of the kids and I took care of them. Dried their tears and indulged them in making scrapbook pages (their idea) so they could have photos to remember Jordan. They wanted the pictures we had taken printed out, so I downloaded them and printed them. They created pages and Kelton typed up a poem. I think it was really good for them to do while they processed their loss.
Dakota and Vicki soon returned and after a few minutes, we got the kids ready to leave. Just as they were leaving, Stephanie arrived. We said goodbye to the kids and closed the door. It didn't take long before I was a mess of tears. Stephanie held me and let me cry and cry. We spent time with Maddie, who was a mess in her own right. Dakota took care of the kids and got them through the day.
It's been a couple days of intense grieving for all of us. Last night, when I was putting the kids to bed, it was hard for all of us. Jordan was a BIG presence in this house. He was seemingly everywhere and suddenly.....he is no where. It's a huge change that has all of us off kilter and feeling fragile.
In time, we will get used to him not being here but for now? Right now the house is big and empty and quiet.
We miss you Jordan. You will forever be loved by us. Thank you for an amazing 13 years with me.
Instead of sharing with all of you the happiness of the holiday season and the start of the New Year, I sat and cradled the head my 14.5 year old Dalmatian as I said my thanks and goodbye to him.
Jordan McKay Duncan was a dog I never thought I wanted. He, and his brother, Pixel, were strays that a friend of Dakota's adopted from a shelter when they were 18 months old. She had only wanted Pixel but couldn't leave Jordan behind because he was slated to be put down at the end of that day. She called us and asked if we would take him.
We went to meet him on October 31st and upon meeting me for the first time, he lifted his leg and peed all over me. Not really a great way to endear yourself to me but to him, I think he was marking me as his own. We took him home where he joined 6 month old Jaxon.
The years went by and he grew older but he was always, always, always a wonderful dog with so much love to give. He wormed his way onto my couches and my bed....and definitely my heart.
The last two years have been trying with him. The last year was the hardest I ever went through with an animal. Through it all, I loved him because getting old isn't graceful and it isn't fun......and it was no different for Jordan. It felt like once the kids were both sleeping through the night, Jordan began his numerous nighttime wakings and needing outside. His accidents, too many to count. His getting off schedule and demanding to be fed at 2am for months on end. Believe me, if Jordan wasn't sleeping, I wasn't sleeping either. There have been many nights I logged a pitiful 3 hours of sleep while taking care of Jordan's needs and cleaning up messes.
I honestly believe that Jordan single paw-edly kept SpotShot carpet spot removal in business. He gave my washer and dryer a run for their money. He tried my patience. And even though I would tell myself I wouldn't miss him when he was gone, I knew it would be far from the truth.
Through it all, those big brown eyes would look at me and say "I'm sorry. I love you and I am so sorry to make such messes." And I would forgive him over and over and over as I scrubbed poop out of carpets.
My life revolved around Jordan for the past 18 months. I couldn't be gone for more than a couple hours unless he was gated in the kitchen. And even then, I would often come home to messes. Every moment was consumed with "Does Jordan need out? Does he need medicine? Is he ok? What does he need now?" and the like. It was exhausting. Completely overwhelming and utterly exhausting. But it was my life.
And then...the kids and I got home from Seattle on the 31st. The kids left with Dakota around 5pm and I headed out to Stephanie's to celebrate the New Year. I was back home by 1am to take care of the dogs. I let the dogs out in the backyard to do what dogs need to do except the fireworks were so loud that Maddie got completely wound up. She charged at Jordan, trying to get him to play. Jordan, being unsteady on his legs because his back knees were so weak (from his days of rough play with Jaxon and, as it turns out, perhaps hereditary issues as well) was knocked off balance. I could tell immediately that he was hurt. He limped his way back into the house. I gave him a pain pill to help and I was hoped he would "walk it off" the next day and I started getting everyone settled in for the night. He wanted up on Kaylen's bed. I helped him, as usual, get up on it. Then...after I left the room, he jumped down. The thud and cries were heartbreaking.
I ran in and sat with him until he was calm. I helped him up and tried to get him to sleep on the floor. Nothing doing - he wanted the bed. I helped him up and he stayed there until 6am. He got down on his own and limped outside, then ate his breakfast and, with help, went back to bed. At 8am he got up again without falling but was clearly in pain. I gave him more medication to help. By 830am he couldn't walk without assistance and he would fall to the ground over and over. I sat with him and kept him calm.
At 9:30 I text'd Dakota to fill her in and we made a plan. Having been up very late to celebrate the New Year, the kids were still sleeping. They were up, an hour later, the four of them got ready and headed over. At that point, I had been sitting on the floor with Jordan for a few hours. Stephanie had spent a couple hours talking with me on the phone and listened to me as I talked about Jordan's younger years and all the emotions I was dealing with at that moment. I am so thankful for that connection because sitting with him, knowing what was coming, was painful. I realized losing him was going to be far more difficult than I had been telling myself for the past year.
Finally, around 12:30, Dakota, and everyone, showed up. I was hesitant about having the kids there but it turned out to be a really good thing. They were able to see for themselves that he was in bad shape and I think it helped them understand a bit why we had to make the choice we did.
Kaylen wanted pictures taken with him so we took photos and everyone had some time to say goodbye. We couldn't get him up to get him to the car so we scooted a blanket under him and we all carried him out to the car. Dakota and Vicki went with Jordan and I stayed with the kids.
It was absolutely gut-wrenching to watch them drive away. I pulled myself together for the sake of the kids and I took care of them. Dried their tears and indulged them in making scrapbook pages (their idea) so they could have photos to remember Jordan. They wanted the pictures we had taken printed out, so I downloaded them and printed them. They created pages and Kelton typed up a poem. I think it was really good for them to do while they processed their loss.
Dakota and Vicki soon returned and after a few minutes, we got the kids ready to leave. Just as they were leaving, Stephanie arrived. We said goodbye to the kids and closed the door. It didn't take long before I was a mess of tears. Stephanie held me and let me cry and cry. We spent time with Maddie, who was a mess in her own right. Dakota took care of the kids and got them through the day.
It's been a couple days of intense grieving for all of us. Last night, when I was putting the kids to bed, it was hard for all of us. Jordan was a BIG presence in this house. He was seemingly everywhere and suddenly.....he is no where. It's a huge change that has all of us off kilter and feeling fragile.
In time, we will get used to him not being here but for now? Right now the house is big and empty and quiet.
We miss you Jordan. You will forever be loved by us. Thank you for an amazing 13 years with me.
Filling Time
Can you tell I am killing time today? Well - not really killing it. Trying to fill it up.
The kids went back to school today and without Jordan needing near constant attention, the house is quiet and empty. Maddie, while an attention hound in her own right, is depressed and quiet. Everything feels "off" so I am keeping my mind busy to keep the tears and sadness at bay. I had no idea I would miss him as much as I do. I guess I was just fooling myself.
So - after the kids left for school, and Stephanie headed to work, I got busy. I had a ton of laundry to do (two loads of clothes, one load of Jordan's bedding, and Kelton's bedding. I need to wash Kaylen's bedding, too, but she has made me promise to "never ever wash them again" or...as I actually promised, to not wash them...yet. They smell like dog and need to be washed but Kaylen is grieving for her "bedtime buddy" so I will give her a couple more days.). The laundry amount isn't the overwhelming part - it's the time involved in drying each load. The dryer vent runs half the length of the house and isn't very effective (even after having the line replaced a few years back) so each load takes about 140 minutes to dry. It's a lot. But that's life.
After getting laundry started, I cleaned the kitchen and then started cleaning out the puzzles and games that the kids have outgrown to make room for their new Christmas gifts. That, of course, led to straightening up a bit of the garage and filling my trunk with a ton of stuff to take to Goodwill. Just as well though, I had decided the house was just too weird feeling and I needed to get out for a bit.
I needed to replace the front door locks since they started freezing up (unbeknowst to me. The pet sitter and my neighbor had a terrible time while the kids and I were in Seattle. When I got back, I tried to unlock the door and it took almost 5 minutes before the lock gave and let me in. WOW!) so I headed first to Goodwill and then to Home Depot.
In the row with the very cool address signs, I find the door locks. The fancy ones called my name but the checkbook slapped reality into me and I settled for the basic style but I did step it up and bought the brushed stainless. I tried hard to convince myself that with my weakening hand muscles, the new ADA approved handle would be a better option but...the reality of saving $13 won out. Oh well...not like I use the front door all that much anyway since I park in the garage. :)
After Home Depot, I ran into the grocery store and picked up milk and then headed home. I got to work quickly on the locks and within an hour, they were installed and I had rekeyed them to fit my current key. Yes, I said *I* rekeyed them. My brother told me about Kwiklock locks that come with a master key so that you can rekey the lock without changing the lock any time you want. FANCY! Once I figured it out, it was quick and easy. No sense incurring the cost of new keys when I don't have to.
I have to say, I am VERY proud of myself for my new found lock changing ability. Yay me!!!
Just call me Casey the Locksmith. If you need your locks changed...I will be happy to help you for a reasonable fee. :)
The kids went back to school today and without Jordan needing near constant attention, the house is quiet and empty. Maddie, while an attention hound in her own right, is depressed and quiet. Everything feels "off" so I am keeping my mind busy to keep the tears and sadness at bay. I had no idea I would miss him as much as I do. I guess I was just fooling myself.
So - after the kids left for school, and Stephanie headed to work, I got busy. I had a ton of laundry to do (two loads of clothes, one load of Jordan's bedding, and Kelton's bedding. I need to wash Kaylen's bedding, too, but she has made me promise to "never ever wash them again" or...as I actually promised, to not wash them...yet. They smell like dog and need to be washed but Kaylen is grieving for her "bedtime buddy" so I will give her a couple more days.). The laundry amount isn't the overwhelming part - it's the time involved in drying each load. The dryer vent runs half the length of the house and isn't very effective (even after having the line replaced a few years back) so each load takes about 140 minutes to dry. It's a lot. But that's life.
After getting laundry started, I cleaned the kitchen and then started cleaning out the puzzles and games that the kids have outgrown to make room for their new Christmas gifts. That, of course, led to straightening up a bit of the garage and filling my trunk with a ton of stuff to take to Goodwill. Just as well though, I had decided the house was just too weird feeling and I needed to get out for a bit.
I needed to replace the front door locks since they started freezing up (unbeknowst to me. The pet sitter and my neighbor had a terrible time while the kids and I were in Seattle. When I got back, I tried to unlock the door and it took almost 5 minutes before the lock gave and let me in. WOW!) so I headed first to Goodwill and then to Home Depot.
In the row with the very cool address signs, I find the door locks. The fancy ones called my name but the checkbook slapped reality into me and I settled for the basic style but I did step it up and bought the brushed stainless. I tried hard to convince myself that with my weakening hand muscles, the new ADA approved handle would be a better option but...the reality of saving $13 won out. Oh well...not like I use the front door all that much anyway since I park in the garage. :)
After Home Depot, I ran into the grocery store and picked up milk and then headed home. I got to work quickly on the locks and within an hour, they were installed and I had rekeyed them to fit my current key. Yes, I said *I* rekeyed them. My brother told me about Kwiklock locks that come with a master key so that you can rekey the lock without changing the lock any time you want. FANCY! Once I figured it out, it was quick and easy. No sense incurring the cost of new keys when I don't have to.
I have to say, I am VERY proud of myself for my new found lock changing ability. Yay me!!!
Just call me Casey the Locksmith. If you need your locks changed...I will be happy to help you for a reasonable fee. :)
Everything but the Kitchen Sink
Let's talk kitchen sinks, shall we?
Mine is an almond color. Don't judge. It came with the house and it works just fine, thank you. :) The truth is, I like it. It was a big side and a smaller side and it is deep. I do not like shallow kitchen sinks. In mine you can hide a stack of dishes and from the breakfast bar, no one would ever know they were in there. So see? I like my almond color kitchen sink.
But what I don't like it how easy it stains. Coffee will stain it as will red sauces, etc. I scrub it a lot and sometimes I let bleach sit in it to give it a good bleaching. And yet, more times than not, it doesn't look at clean as I would like it to look.
So let's discuss the stainless steel sink. Those stay stain-free but do they get scratched or do they resist damage like that - even after years go by? I remember my parents had stainless. Stephanie has stainless and so does my sister. They tend to show water spots if you aren't careful though, yes? My sink does not though pans will leave black scuff marks that need to be scrubbed out.
Not that I plan to replace the kitchen sink at this point in time but you know me...always thinking. :)
Mine is an almond color. Don't judge. It came with the house and it works just fine, thank you. :) The truth is, I like it. It was a big side and a smaller side and it is deep. I do not like shallow kitchen sinks. In mine you can hide a stack of dishes and from the breakfast bar, no one would ever know they were in there. So see? I like my almond color kitchen sink.
But what I don't like it how easy it stains. Coffee will stain it as will red sauces, etc. I scrub it a lot and sometimes I let bleach sit in it to give it a good bleaching. And yet, more times than not, it doesn't look at clean as I would like it to look.
So let's discuss the stainless steel sink. Those stay stain-free but do they get scratched or do they resist damage like that - even after years go by? I remember my parents had stainless. Stephanie has stainless and so does my sister. They tend to show water spots if you aren't careful though, yes? My sink does not though pans will leave black scuff marks that need to be scrubbed out.
Not that I plan to replace the kitchen sink at this point in time but you know me...always thinking. :)
Gold
Have you seen that commercial....the one with the $50.00 value gold coin that is currently available for a mere $9.95? Do you think those suckers are *really* worth $50? And if so, WHY are they selling them for 1/5 the value?
It does get me thinking though about the value of gold. Is this a good time to buy gold bullion or sell your no longer needed gold jewelry? It's so confusing.
Buy? Sell?
*rolling on the floor laughing*
Yeah...like that's a real issue for me. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
But still......it does leave me wondering.
It does get me thinking though about the value of gold. Is this a good time to buy gold bullion or sell your no longer needed gold jewelry? It's so confusing.
Buy? Sell?
*rolling on the floor laughing*
Yeah...like that's a real issue for me. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
But still......it does leave me wondering.
Post Christmas Clean Up...or Not
Well - Christmas is over. I would say the tree is down, but it isn't. Kaylen doesn't want the season to be over AT ALL so I agreed to let things stay up until this weekend when she will be here to help me pack it all up.
Personally, I'm mixed. I wasn't but I am now. I love the living room all holiday'd out but with all that has happened in the past couple days (more on that later. It deserves it's own post.), I think I'm ready to have it all put away and cleaned up.
But the clean up - oh the clean up. The kids gifts are placed under the tree and the thought of finding places for everything is daunting. Kelton has always been reluctant to give away outgrown toys and Kaylen is following suit (she used to be SO good about saying goodbye to things!) I confess that I cleaned out the puzzle and game cabinet this morning and made way for their new things. I'm sure Goodwill was happy to see me coming. :) Perhaps they even broke out their Champagne to cheer the 3rd of January since that has consistently been the date I take a huge carload of stuff to them.
But for today, everything stays put. So if you still feel the need for a bit of Christmas, come over and sit in my living room. :)
Personally, I'm mixed. I wasn't but I am now. I love the living room all holiday'd out but with all that has happened in the past couple days (more on that later. It deserves it's own post.), I think I'm ready to have it all put away and cleaned up.
But the clean up - oh the clean up. The kids gifts are placed under the tree and the thought of finding places for everything is daunting. Kelton has always been reluctant to give away outgrown toys and Kaylen is following suit (she used to be SO good about saying goodbye to things!) I confess that I cleaned out the puzzle and game cabinet this morning and made way for their new things. I'm sure Goodwill was happy to see me coming. :) Perhaps they even broke out their Champagne to cheer the 3rd of January since that has consistently been the date I take a huge carload of stuff to them.
But for today, everything stays put. So if you still feel the need for a bit of Christmas, come over and sit in my living room. :)
Business Loans
I came across information for bad credit small business loans and I have to say, at first thought this seems to me like a not great thing but then, when I started thinking about it, maybe for some this could be just the ticket out of trouble and back into the middle class.
When you first think "bad credit", you don't usually put that together with business loan. I mean...let's look at it like this: if you aren't paying your bills, why should you get a loan that ...you know...you have to pay back which we already stated, you aren't doing.
BUT......what if you had just fallen on hard time and defaulted on things without it being a habitual issue? Wouldn't you deserve a chance to start over? To maybe chase a dream that could put you back on track for obtaining the "American Dream" again?
Don't we all deserve a second...and sometimes a third...chance to try again?
I think we all deserve to chase our dreams and find success with that which makes us happy and fulfilled.
So rock on, people. Rock on.
Do good.
When you first think "bad credit", you don't usually put that together with business loan. I mean...let's look at it like this: if you aren't paying your bills, why should you get a loan that ...you know...you have to pay back which we already stated, you aren't doing.
BUT......what if you had just fallen on hard time and defaulted on things without it being a habitual issue? Wouldn't you deserve a chance to start over? To maybe chase a dream that could put you back on track for obtaining the "American Dream" again?
Don't we all deserve a second...and sometimes a third...chance to try again?
I think we all deserve to chase our dreams and find success with that which makes us happy and fulfilled.
So rock on, people. Rock on.
Do good.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Yep. That's what we are doing around here. Waiting. And waiting some more.
Kaylen, said this morning, "I can't believe Christmas is in TWO days! I've been waiting FOREVER!!"
As a mom, I have to say that the time has flown by. I'm ready though - as ready as I will be. So bring it on....let's get this party started!!! :)
Merry Christmas to you all!!!!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
The Weather Outside...
...is actually quite nice. Cold, but clear. A perfect day. It could actually pass for summer time....you know, if I could pretend the trees had leaves on them. Maybe, if I closed my eyes for a minute, and concentrated hard, I just might be able to hear happy children playing in the yard, or in the pool. I might be able to hear birds chirping. Maybe, in my minds eye, I would be able to see two happy dogs laying in sun patches in the grass. I could have a different set of "worries" like if I need a swimming pool fence to keep the kids safe, or trying to figure out a good time to get the lawn mowed.
But summer it is not. We are at the official start of winter. December 21st. Six more months until thoughts of swimming pools and whatnot fill my head. Right now, it's all about the Ho Ho Ho, Fa La La and how to keep bored children from spinning out of control. Kelton does better with no routine. He finds things to do. Right now he is working on building a webpage and writing a Winter Break journal. Kaylen is a tougher one. She is B.O.R.E.D. She wants to be in school, and with her friends. She has gone through so many activities today, including helping me make Peppermint Kisses. That activity alone kept us busy for over an hour and yet...10 minutes later, she was complaining about being bored again. *sigh*
I love having them home with me though- bored, or not. I love having them running around and I don't even mind the huge messes they make with their craft supplies and toys. I cherish every moment I have with them....even the moments that are hard and frustrating. :)
I wish it would snow today. And a lot. A few years ago we had so much snow this time of year - something crazy like 20 inches. It kept falling and falling and it was amazing and wonderful and magical. You know, until the ice dams caused the melting snow to seep into the ceiling in the living room...but even then, it was still magical in the world. Christmas should have snow. Plain and simple. But Christmas in the Northwest rarely does. Doesn't make me stop wishing for it though. :)
Snow would be awesome. The kids would have so much fun building snow people and we could go for snow walks. Build a fire, have hot cocoa and watch Christmas shows. As it is, this afternoon I am planning to do the whole fire, cocoa and Christmas shows thing but snow would make it that much more magical.
Let it snow. That's what I say.
In the meantime, here are some photos I took of the Peppermint Kiss making. I would share the recipe but I don't wanna. :)
YUMMY!!!!! These little things are incredibly addicting. Yum Yum Yum!!!!
But summer it is not. We are at the official start of winter. December 21st. Six more months until thoughts of swimming pools and whatnot fill my head. Right now, it's all about the Ho Ho Ho, Fa La La and how to keep bored children from spinning out of control. Kelton does better with no routine. He finds things to do. Right now he is working on building a webpage and writing a Winter Break journal. Kaylen is a tougher one. She is B.O.R.E.D. She wants to be in school, and with her friends. She has gone through so many activities today, including helping me make Peppermint Kisses. That activity alone kept us busy for over an hour and yet...10 minutes later, she was complaining about being bored again. *sigh*
I love having them home with me though- bored, or not. I love having them running around and I don't even mind the huge messes they make with their craft supplies and toys. I cherish every moment I have with them....even the moments that are hard and frustrating. :)
I wish it would snow today. And a lot. A few years ago we had so much snow this time of year - something crazy like 20 inches. It kept falling and falling and it was amazing and wonderful and magical. You know, until the ice dams caused the melting snow to seep into the ceiling in the living room...but even then, it was still magical in the world. Christmas should have snow. Plain and simple. But Christmas in the Northwest rarely does. Doesn't make me stop wishing for it though. :)
Snow would be awesome. The kids would have so much fun building snow people and we could go for snow walks. Build a fire, have hot cocoa and watch Christmas shows. As it is, this afternoon I am planning to do the whole fire, cocoa and Christmas shows thing but snow would make it that much more magical.
Let it snow. That's what I say.
In the meantime, here are some photos I took of the Peppermint Kiss making. I would share the recipe but I don't wanna. :)
YUMMY!!!!! These little things are incredibly addicting. Yum Yum Yum!!!!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
This Love Is Ours
I am so loving this song!!!
"Don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine and life makes love look hard. The stakes are high, the water is rough, but this love is ours...."
"Don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine and life makes love look hard. The stakes are high, the water is rough, but this love is ours...."
Monday, December 19, 2011
Christmas Week
Well. Here we are. Christmas week. I can hardly believe another year of life is winding down. Honestly, it doesn't so much seem like it should be nearing the end of December already. September. Yes. But no later in the year than that.
Not that anyone asked me. :)
The house is decorated and ready to go. There are gifts under the tree waiting for the big day. I have plans to make some Christmas goodies this week and then, of course, Santa cookies for Christmas Eve. As Christmas' go, this is a fairly simple one and that's fine by me.
In the days after Christmas, the five of us will be traveling to Seattle for Christmas with my family. I've been a little stressed over how all our stuff, gifts and us will fit in the car (not to mention the gifts coming back!) but I also know it always seems to work out. It's times like these I think "An RV would be good. It would have enough room." But alas, no RV in my future which, of course means, I don't have to worry about rv insurance. So all in all...that's a good thing. :)
Christmas. Fa la la la la and all that. My emotions go back and forth - I'm wishing it was over and I'm trying to soak it all in. Christmas, as an adult, sure isn't the same as Christmas as a child. So I'm doing all I can to make sure my children have a great, memory-worthy Christmas. Lots of fun, laughter and family. Because it's not about what's UNDER the tree. It's about who you have to celebrate with.
Not that anyone asked me. :)
The house is decorated and ready to go. There are gifts under the tree waiting for the big day. I have plans to make some Christmas goodies this week and then, of course, Santa cookies for Christmas Eve. As Christmas' go, this is a fairly simple one and that's fine by me.
In the days after Christmas, the five of us will be traveling to Seattle for Christmas with my family. I've been a little stressed over how all our stuff, gifts and us will fit in the car (not to mention the gifts coming back!) but I also know it always seems to work out. It's times like these I think "An RV would be good. It would have enough room." But alas, no RV in my future which, of course means, I don't have to worry about rv insurance. So all in all...that's a good thing. :)
Christmas. Fa la la la la and all that. My emotions go back and forth - I'm wishing it was over and I'm trying to soak it all in. Christmas, as an adult, sure isn't the same as Christmas as a child. So I'm doing all I can to make sure my children have a great, memory-worthy Christmas. Lots of fun, laughter and family. Because it's not about what's UNDER the tree. It's about who you have to celebrate with.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Something Monumental, This Way Comes
No. Seriously, you guys. THIS is monumental news. In my world, I call it earth shaking. In yours....well...you'd probably call it every day life.
Are you ready?
No, really. Are you sitting down?
Ok well - if you aren't, you have no one to blame but yourself when you fall over.
Here goes:
I COOKED. Twice this week. And I don't mean kid-friendly, pop it in the microwave cooking. I've been doing *that* for years. I also don't mean "Oh look! I boiled water and added pasta." Again, I've been doing that for years.
I mean honest to goodness COOKED. Meat, no less. With side dishes to ...you know...make a well-balanced, honest to God, meal. With meat.
Yes, that nasty smelling, raw stuff. I cooked it and.......Kelton ate it and LIKED IT! Holy moly Batman -alert the authorities.
As a rule, in my previous life, I would say "Oh - I don't cook." and well, it was true. But in recent months....say....possibly 11 or 12 months, I have very slowly and carefully started learning how to cook. I had the basics down before: Omelette's? Mine rocked. Scrambled eggs? Perfection! Banana bread? Off the charts freakin' fantastic! My grandmother's Mac-n-Cheese? Oh yes - I can rock that really well, too. I even ventured into the land of homemade gluten-free stuffing for Thanksgiving. (and I have learned to cook a wicked good stuffed hash browns and eggs over medium, too!)
But "meals"? Rarely. And meat? NEVER.
Tonight though.....without benefit of a miller welding helmet, I made hamburger patties with melted cheese. The other night? Shake-n-Bake chicken. Side dishes? Yes, thank you very much.
And both nights, I purposely walked outside for a few minutes just so I could walk back in and smell the amazing aroma of food that I, myself, had cooked. I'm telling you, I am very proud of myself. I not only cooked meat but I TOUCHED it. And if you know me, you know there is precious little that grosses me out more than touching raw meat.
I am so proud of me.
Yeah - I know. A regular day in most of your lives but for me - HUGE! :)
Are you ready?
No, really. Are you sitting down?
Ok well - if you aren't, you have no one to blame but yourself when you fall over.
Here goes:
I COOKED. Twice this week. And I don't mean kid-friendly, pop it in the microwave cooking. I've been doing *that* for years. I also don't mean "Oh look! I boiled water and added pasta." Again, I've been doing that for years.
I mean honest to goodness COOKED. Meat, no less. With side dishes to ...you know...make a well-balanced, honest to God, meal. With meat.
Yes, that nasty smelling, raw stuff. I cooked it and.......Kelton ate it and LIKED IT! Holy moly Batman -alert the authorities.
As a rule, in my previous life, I would say "Oh - I don't cook." and well, it was true. But in recent months....say....possibly 11 or 12 months, I have very slowly and carefully started learning how to cook. I had the basics down before: Omelette's? Mine rocked. Scrambled eggs? Perfection! Banana bread? Off the charts freakin' fantastic! My grandmother's Mac-n-Cheese? Oh yes - I can rock that really well, too. I even ventured into the land of homemade gluten-free stuffing for Thanksgiving. (and I have learned to cook a wicked good stuffed hash browns and eggs over medium, too!)
But "meals"? Rarely. And meat? NEVER.
Tonight though.....without benefit of a miller welding helmet, I made hamburger patties with melted cheese. The other night? Shake-n-Bake chicken. Side dishes? Yes, thank you very much.
And both nights, I purposely walked outside for a few minutes just so I could walk back in and smell the amazing aroma of food that I, myself, had cooked. I'm telling you, I am very proud of myself. I not only cooked meat but I TOUCHED it. And if you know me, you know there is precious little that grosses me out more than touching raw meat.
I am so proud of me.
Yeah - I know. A regular day in most of your lives but for me - HUGE! :)
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Christmas Cookies
Today I wanted to do fun Christmas things with the kids as this is the last weekend before Christmas that they will be with me (though thankfully, I do have them with me during Christmas break - which I am VERY happy about. I love having this special time with them even when it is patience-trying. *grin*). I had a few "have to's" to get done but I also sprinkled in some fun into the errands. And I arranged for my friend, Cande, and her two girls to come over for Christmas cookie making. We picked up some firewood, cookie making supplies and a Christmas movie (Jack Frost). We even grabbed some McDonald's (the first time I've taken them to McDonalds in about ummmmm....six months. Wow!) after we finished our running around.
We came home and ate while we started watching Jack Frost. After lunch, I built a nice fire and made the living room cozy. We love fires in the fireplace but we only seem to have them when the Christmas tree is up. Ah tradition!
After the movie, I went to work finding all the cookie cutters and getting things ready. The kids helped me straighten up (and Kelton did a GREAT job cleaning the bathroom!) and then, while we waited for our friends to arrive, we wrapped the gifts for the Seattle cousins.
Finally our friends arrived and the fun was off and running! The four kids get wild and crazy when they are around each other and Cande and I try to not lose our minds. :) The kids (with help) rolled out the dough and used the cookie cutters to create their cookies. We baked their creations and cleaned up the mess while they all ran off to play. When the cookies were cool, we called them in for round two of the messy fun.
Oh my! The fun that was had. At one point, we were all laughing so hard it was hard to breathe. Kelton was using so much red gel stuff that when the tube started running low, it made "farting" sounds. Could it be any more hysterical for a 10, 9, 6 and 4 year old? No. No it could not be. :)
After the cookie making, the little girls pulled out Let's Dance for the Wii and went crazy. Oh my!!! So cute!
All in all, we had a great Christmas-y day! And now, as the hours of the day dwindle, we are all snuggled on my bed watching Frosty Returns. It's been a good day!!
We came home and ate while we started watching Jack Frost. After lunch, I built a nice fire and made the living room cozy. We love fires in the fireplace but we only seem to have them when the Christmas tree is up. Ah tradition!
After the movie, I went to work finding all the cookie cutters and getting things ready. The kids helped me straighten up (and Kelton did a GREAT job cleaning the bathroom!) and then, while we waited for our friends to arrive, we wrapped the gifts for the Seattle cousins.
Finally our friends arrived and the fun was off and running! The four kids get wild and crazy when they are around each other and Cande and I try to not lose our minds. :) The kids (with help) rolled out the dough and used the cookie cutters to create their cookies. We baked their creations and cleaned up the mess while they all ran off to play. When the cookies were cool, we called them in for round two of the messy fun.
Oh my! The fun that was had. At one point, we were all laughing so hard it was hard to breathe. Kelton was using so much red gel stuff that when the tube started running low, it made "farting" sounds. Could it be any more hysterical for a 10, 9, 6 and 4 year old? No. No it could not be. :)
After the cookie making, the little girls pulled out Let's Dance for the Wii and went crazy. Oh my!!! So cute!
All in all, we had a great Christmas-y day! And now, as the hours of the day dwindle, we are all snuggled on my bed watching Frosty Returns. It's been a good day!!
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Oh How I Hate 3AM
I was exhausted last night. I've been running a low grade fever for a few days (probably due to my syringomyelia since I don't feel sick at all) and by 6pm last night, I could barely keep my eyes open. I made it to 8:30 and then tucked the children into their beds. I watched a half hour of TV and then shut off the light, sinking down onto my pillow with a happy sigh. Only.....sleep didn't come. As it does in the dark of night, my mind started racing with worries and whatnot. Finally around 11, I dozed off.
At 3, Jordan woke me by jumping down off Kaylen's bed (where he sleeps). I sleep incredibly lightly - which sucks for me but which is also good when you have an old dog. I let Jordan outside and stood in the open door, as the freezing air swirled around me, for a good 10 minutes as I encouraged Jordan to do what he needed to do. He is old and I swear he has a bit of dementia. He peed a few times (yes - you read that right) and then convinced me with his sad eyes that he was done.
I let him back in and helped him back up on Kaylen's bed.
No more sleep for me though. The stresses and worries hit me like a ton of bricks. I watched the clock go from 3:15 to 4:25 to 4:40 and then..I drifted off. 5am and Jordan's awake again. I put him outside AGAIN (because I know he needs to poop) and again I play the "GO!" game with him to no avail. Ten minutes later, I give up and in he comes. He and I go back to our beds. This time I drift off in about 15 minutes......
He's up again at 5:30. I put him outside AGAIN and then I give up and feed him. I put him outside again and he just stands on the patio for several minutes and just stares at me. I sigh and let him in.
We walk back to the bedrooms and.........HE POOPS ON THE FLOOR! SERIOUSLY?????????
I haven't slept for more than a wink and a nod since Three-Freaking-O'Clock and at 5:45 he poops on the floor?!??!?!?!?! He had been outside FOUR times!
So let's recap, shall we? I slept from 11-3 which is 4 hours.....add in *maybe* 30 more minutes and you get a whopping 4.5 hours of sleep. And I wish I could say this was a rarity. But it is not.
Any wonder why I fall apart emotionally every few weeks?!?!
Ugh!!!!
At 3, Jordan woke me by jumping down off Kaylen's bed (where he sleeps). I sleep incredibly lightly - which sucks for me but which is also good when you have an old dog. I let Jordan outside and stood in the open door, as the freezing air swirled around me, for a good 10 minutes as I encouraged Jordan to do what he needed to do. He is old and I swear he has a bit of dementia. He peed a few times (yes - you read that right) and then convinced me with his sad eyes that he was done.
I let him back in and helped him back up on Kaylen's bed.
No more sleep for me though. The stresses and worries hit me like a ton of bricks. I watched the clock go from 3:15 to 4:25 to 4:40 and then..I drifted off. 5am and Jordan's awake again. I put him outside AGAIN (because I know he needs to poop) and again I play the "GO!" game with him to no avail. Ten minutes later, I give up and in he comes. He and I go back to our beds. This time I drift off in about 15 minutes......
He's up again at 5:30. I put him outside AGAIN and then I give up and feed him. I put him outside again and he just stands on the patio for several minutes and just stares at me. I sigh and let him in.
We walk back to the bedrooms and.........HE POOPS ON THE FLOOR! SERIOUSLY?????????
I haven't slept for more than a wink and a nod since Three-Freaking-O'Clock and at 5:45 he poops on the floor?!??!?!?!?! He had been outside FOUR times!
So let's recap, shall we? I slept from 11-3 which is 4 hours.....add in *maybe* 30 more minutes and you get a whopping 4.5 hours of sleep. And I wish I could say this was a rarity. But it is not.
Any wonder why I fall apart emotionally every few weeks?!?!
Ugh!!!!
Saturday, December 03, 2011
Gifts Under the Tree
Ask and ye shall receive.Kaylen wanted gifts, wrapped and pretty, under the tree, so I made that wish come true. The kids are with Dakota this weekend and, since I had nothing to do this morning, I ran out and bought some tape (we go through tape like it's water. The kids LOVE using tape), came home, pulled out the gifts and started wrapping.
Instead of putting on something Christmas-y to watch, I turned on an episode of Tori and Dean's Home Sweet Hollywood because well....I could. :)
I wrapped and wrapped and wrapped and soon it was done. Well...not all of it. I left the cousin gifts for Kaylen to help me with. She loves to wrap. I put a couple gifts for each other the kids, and our gifts for Stephanie and Andrew, under the tree. The gifts joined the presents that my grandmother sent down for us.
I have to say, Kaylen was right. The tree just looks prettier with gifts under it.
Guitars
I was just thinking the other day how there used to be so many musical instruments in my house. I had two guitars. Dakota had two guitars. For a while I had an electric guitar but I never really played it so I consigned it. We never had gretsch guitars but we did have a djembe and various other percussion devices. Kelton even had a drum set, not to mention to other music sets that are well known for toddlers and preschoolers.
When Kelton was born, we uprooted ourselves and moved 3.5 hours south. At that time, I decided to let my guitars go since I never played them (and honestly, with a baby, my hands were quite full). We moved everything else with us. The toddler set was outgrown eventually, though it still does reside in the garage and Kaylen will pull it out every so often to play with it. The rest? It all moved out when Dakota did and now resides with her. Including Kelton's drum set. She has a basement and had room for it, so it just made sense.
I find, at times, I miss having music producing items around. I will, at times, briefly think about how much I miss playing my guitar. But the truth is, I wouldn't play it. I have too many other things I want to do with my time. It was great though, in days gone by, to just pick up the case, pull it out and start making music.
Music is good. But for now, the radio will have to do. :)
When Kelton was born, we uprooted ourselves and moved 3.5 hours south. At that time, I decided to let my guitars go since I never played them (and honestly, with a baby, my hands were quite full). We moved everything else with us. The toddler set was outgrown eventually, though it still does reside in the garage and Kaylen will pull it out every so often to play with it. The rest? It all moved out when Dakota did and now resides with her. Including Kelton's drum set. She has a basement and had room for it, so it just made sense.
I find, at times, I miss having music producing items around. I will, at times, briefly think about how much I miss playing my guitar. But the truth is, I wouldn't play it. I have too many other things I want to do with my time. It was great though, in days gone by, to just pick up the case, pull it out and start making music.
Music is good. But for now, the radio will have to do. :)
Thursday, December 01, 2011
December 1st
My Facebook post today went a little like this: "Wow. December. Again. How?"
And yes, that is how I am feeling. How in the world can it be December again already? Sometimes I can hear my grandmother's voice saying "Stop trying to speed things up. Just wait. The older you get, the faster time will go."
Score one for Grandma. She sure nailed that one.
Right now, my life is threatening to overwhelm me. Yes, again. Maybe it's still. I don't know. But whatever the case, there it is. The day to day, while certainly enough to keep me busy and wondering how I will get it all done, isn't so bad. It's the emotional parts that get me. And this time of year? It's filled with emotional parts. Let's not forget my posting from December 1, 2009. The holidays? They are definitely NOT what they used to be. But they are what I choose to make it so I'm trying. God knows I'm trying.
Kaylen wants to know why I haven't wrapped their gifts and put them under the tree yet. After all, she says, trees are prettier with presents under them. Touche, young one, touche. I told her I just haven't had time yet. Maybe I will wrap a couple things this weekend and slide them under there as a surprise for when they come back home Sunday. I just don't want them to get used to looking at the few things I have for them and thinking "That's it?" because yes, that is it. From me, at least. Santa will have something for each of them. Dakota and Vicki will have some for them. Stephanie will have a gift for each. Other family gifts will be received at family gatherings.
I still need to find a way to let them know there will be no Christmas stocking for me this year. I've been working on the backstory....you know, money problems across the world so Santa is asking parents if it is ok if he skips filling their stocking this year so that there is more for the kids. I don't know. I'm wishing like heck we never let them believe that Santa fills Mommy's stocking too. *sigh* But that's life. It won't always be like this but it is what it is.
I don't have a lot of questions about what to get people in my life this year because there isn't money for that. Pictures of the kids just might have to do. On one hand, it's kind of nice to not have to worry about things like "what is the best ps3 game to get someone" or "Gosh - will they like this thing I found for them?" On the other hand....it sucks. My biggest worry is the kids. Which is what my biggest worry should be - and has been.
It's hard - this time of year. Yesterday I spent a few good hours under my covers coming out to brave the world at either end to take care of kids and chores and whatnot. I don't regret taking some hours to hide. I find there are just days I need to hide. And cry. Licking my wounds, as it were, for a few hours (maybe a day or two) here and there help me get back to facing the world.
And facing the world is something I always get back to.
Ready. Or not.
And yes, that is how I am feeling. How in the world can it be December again already? Sometimes I can hear my grandmother's voice saying "Stop trying to speed things up. Just wait. The older you get, the faster time will go."
Score one for Grandma. She sure nailed that one.
Right now, my life is threatening to overwhelm me. Yes, again. Maybe it's still. I don't know. But whatever the case, there it is. The day to day, while certainly enough to keep me busy and wondering how I will get it all done, isn't so bad. It's the emotional parts that get me. And this time of year? It's filled with emotional parts. Let's not forget my posting from December 1, 2009. The holidays? They are definitely NOT what they used to be. But they are what I choose to make it so I'm trying. God knows I'm trying.
Kaylen wants to know why I haven't wrapped their gifts and put them under the tree yet. After all, she says, trees are prettier with presents under them. Touche, young one, touche. I told her I just haven't had time yet. Maybe I will wrap a couple things this weekend and slide them under there as a surprise for when they come back home Sunday. I just don't want them to get used to looking at the few things I have for them and thinking "That's it?" because yes, that is it. From me, at least. Santa will have something for each of them. Dakota and Vicki will have some for them. Stephanie will have a gift for each. Other family gifts will be received at family gatherings.
I still need to find a way to let them know there will be no Christmas stocking for me this year. I've been working on the backstory....you know, money problems across the world so Santa is asking parents if it is ok if he skips filling their stocking this year so that there is more for the kids. I don't know. I'm wishing like heck we never let them believe that Santa fills Mommy's stocking too. *sigh* But that's life. It won't always be like this but it is what it is.
I don't have a lot of questions about what to get people in my life this year because there isn't money for that. Pictures of the kids just might have to do. On one hand, it's kind of nice to not have to worry about things like "what is the best ps3 game to get someone" or "Gosh - will they like this thing I found for them?" On the other hand....it sucks. My biggest worry is the kids. Which is what my biggest worry should be - and has been.
It's hard - this time of year. Yesterday I spent a few good hours under my covers coming out to brave the world at either end to take care of kids and chores and whatnot. I don't regret taking some hours to hide. I find there are just days I need to hide. And cry. Licking my wounds, as it were, for a few hours (maybe a day or two) here and there help me get back to facing the world.
And facing the world is something I always get back to.
Ready. Or not.
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